Must learn to say no ….

I got a request from the very nice people at the Department: Library & Information Service to be a Guest Speaker at their Service Awards Ceremony.  This week.  To talk for 20 minutes.  In front of 200 people!

Alarmed much?

Initially I tried to ignore the request, but Ridhwaana has proved a persistent stalker.

I was not sure how to say no.  She did ask nicely.  Initially I was flattered, and whilst the size of my head swelled, I was unable to get my mouth to say no!!  I then hoped that they would make contact with someone else, if I ignored her long enough.

Prayed they would find someone else.  Was about to rattle of a short list of other people I suggested they contact.

They didn’t. I left it too late, so now I will be stage/hiding behind a podium talking to 200 people.  I am mortified.  I am throwing up in a little brown bag strategically lined with plastic so it does not leak as I slip it into my large dirty orange handbag.

My brain is flooded with adrenaline.  To be honest it is flooded with that other stuff.  The stuff that makes you put your fingers in your ear and go la-la-la-la and procrastinate.

I cannot think what I could possibly say to Library people or any people for that matter, which will sound vaguely interesting for 20 minutes, and without embarrassing myself … more than I usually do.

How the hell do I get myself into this situation?!  More importantly who can I pay to get me out of this situation?

I am thinking about having a liquid breakfastv and then just seeing how it goes, speak off the cuff, no notes …..

Cripes, I haven’t told them I have a social phobia and one of more endearing qualities in a high pressured situation is to talk insanely and exhibit symptoms that disimiliar from Tourette’s.  That I am sure will go down like a lead balloon!

Have not prepared anything …. I might fake a stomach bug.

Will the Vanish commercial vanish if I put Vanish on it?

There is a new Vanish television campaign on television.  Actually I am not sure if it is new, it is new to me, so for ease of use just call it new.

I am not sure if you have been fortunate enough to see this airing on television.

It is so damn good they decided that they need a {black} and a {white} version.

The black version has two women standing in a kitchen, casually, each with their own washing machine.  That seems normal, I always bring own washing machine over when visiting my mates – and we usually position it casually in the middle of the kitchen.  Whilst we chat about the things that worry us about our washing.  It happens ALL THE time!

So the two women are looking at brightly coloured shirts pulled from each of their washing machines.  The washing machines are in the middle of the kitchen, clearly close to a water supply.

The one crows about how the stain is out, and the other woman looks dejected as hers it appears is not.  The answer is Vanish.

The white version is two women standing no doubt in the same kitchen – I am sure that no expense was spared on this ad campaign.

These two women are dressed by the assistant to the assistant stylist who puts together Bree van der Kamp’s outfits on Desperate Housewives.  Thin string of pearls, dress nipped the waist with a skinny belt, perfect hair, you know the type.

Same two washing machines IN THE MIDDLE of the kitchen.

The first woman is looking at a long sleeve clearly GREY shirt that is dry and ironed, but which we must believe has been pulled from her washing machine. Because shit always comes out of the washingmachine dry and ironed.

She laments how she cannot get her husband’s shirts WHITER!  She is having a conversation and wrinkling her slightly botoxed forehead about why her husband’s shirt is not WHITER!  Her husband’s shirt not being white is causing her great distress — you understand.

Oh my fkn stars!

What the hell is Vanish trying to do?  Alienate their hard-won customers they might have lured with their funky pink packaging.   I am beginning to suspect that they have dug up an ad-man from 1930 and put him in charge of this account.

Initially I was horrified.  I thought I misunderstood, but I was lucky enough to see this advert twice. Either I have fallen through a worm hole in time, or the advertising team at VANISH have lost their fkn minds!  Sadly it appears to be the latter.

Here is a warning, if I ever arrive at your house with my washing machine, I insist that you smack me against the side of the head with a metal doorstop.

If I am ever standing in the middle of your kitchen, or you are in mine, and we both have our washing machines on hand, and I ever utter the phrase: “I don’t know what to do to get my husband’s shirts whiter!”

I give you permission.  No retract that.  I implore you to hit me between the eyes with the microwave oven – plugged in or not is irrelevant.

Vanish, seriously what the fk are you doing?