I have never had a good self-image.
Even when I weighed 50 kilograms, I hated my body because it was too skinny. I am 1.75 metres tall – so I was pretty damn skinny.
My nose is too pointy, my knees are too knock kneed. I used to hate/loath the large birthmark on my left hand side. There is very little about me physically that I like. Funny (not so much) how we are our own worst enemies.
I have always been an erratic eater, and eat when food passes me rather than have planned set meal times. I seldom eat breakfast. I gorge on Chuckles, and Pasta, and can easily quell the dreams of a bottle of wine.
I will go a day without eating anything, other than drinking tea, then at 19h00 realise “Hey I am hungry” – open a packet of Plain Lays and eat that whilst I sip two or four glasses of wine.
Not a great meal plan by any one’s standards.
I don’t really eat vegetables, but I eat salad, so I don’t get too worked up about it. I love pasta in almost any shape or form. I get wildly excited by NUSSFIT spread thickly on top of white bread. I can do 4 slices of that for breakfast, lunch and supper with a thick chocolaty smile.
Any the who, I have been adding kilograms slowly to my frame.
When I had Connor (2001) I weighed around 55 – 58kilograms. When I had Georgia (2005) I weighed around 65kilograms. When I had Isabelle(2009) I did not even bother getting on the scale, it was close to 69kilograms and I felt like a heffalump.
I can honestly say that my weight has little to do with the pregnancies, but all to do with the way my eating habits changed when I was breastfeeding. Before I had Connor I ate small meals, after Connor I started tucking in to starters, main and dessert. Breastfeeding meant I could eat almost what ever I liked and did not add weight. But then I stopped breastfeeding, and continued to eat the same calorie intake.
This year has been the worst, and I have ballooned past 70 kilograms, and nearly shat myself when I realised my weight was sitting at 77 kilograms, which means 80 kilograms was not that far off.
I hate seeing myself in photographs. I despise seeing my reflections (our bathroom has a full wall of a mirror, so it is tricky to take a crap without having it in full living colour reflected back at you). I know I am on route (already there) of being fat, and I can’t seem to maintain the will power not to eat 4 slices of white bread with NUSSFIT.
I am very reluctant to stand up and say, so I am on a diet, or I am on this exercise plan, as I like to fail quietly, not in the full glare of public scrutiny. I have realised the sooner I accept that I am making some changes, and incorporate them into my life, my blog, what I do, the better it is for me to keep going with the,
I need a life style change, and not just a ‘flash in the pan’ diet. I think I am past where a diet can help me – the idea of a gastric bypass is looking more and more attractive.
I have been reading several books (at once) on the Atkins Diet. I am finding little in the way to fault it right now. I do appreciate if I googled “what’s wrong with Atkins” I will be killed in the flood, but for now I am focussing on what works about it.
I decided to start and not stall any longer.
I started on Tuesday, 6 November – and I am following what they recommend as the Induction Plan which is meant to last two weeks. My feeling is that I will see how I am faring in two weeks, and make a decision whether to remain on the Induction Phase or move to the next phase.
The food I am eating is a totally brain shift – it is food I eat, but food I would not naturally consume without a side of potatoes, pasta or rice – in short the Atkins Diet is a bit prohibitive (understatement) of Starch. It is pretty freaky about Sugar too, but I would say it has quite a focus on eating a particular level of protein and fat – and moving your diet dramatically away from Refined Starch and Sugar.
I don’t feel bad in any way. I am not quite skipping around saying I feel great, but my usual diet does not include sugar, full cream milk or loads of junk food, so it is not really a huge reach shift – but it is still early days.
I have my food diary, and I am still busy reading through three Atkins Diet Books to get my head around how it works. My water intake has increased, and unfortunately alcohol is prohibited during the Induction Phase, so I am missing my glasses of wine rather acutely right now.
A lifestyle shift does require me to move my arse off the couch. I decided to quietly join Walk for Life. So me and a few dozen ladies whose mean age is probably 65 head out for a bit of a walkabout on a Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning.
I do want to get up to runing – I just need to get there again – and I like the way the programme takes it really s — l — o — w. I figure that I will just stick with what they prescribe, and walk until they say I am ready to run.
I weighed myself this morning, and the scale did show an improvement — I am fine with slow progress, as long as it leads to permanent weight loss. What ever happens I seriously cannot remain in the condition and the weight that I am.
So if you are looking for me I will be the one in the corner eating copious amounts of meat with a side order of rocket, olives and sprouts and sipping my water as I eye your wine!