Mother’s Day. A treacherous time of year. Gift wise.
The stores are overflowing with trinkets, slippers and mugs with bears saying things like “The Best MOM Ever” and similar shit.
There are promises of Mother Day Lunches, which throw in a free glass of wine, and a red carnation. It is all a bit blegh and worrisome.
I am not exactly sure that the definition is of trinket verses “something I would actually like” but it is fair to say that if it has the word MOM printed anywhere on it, it is not going to be a good gift.
If there is a red heart anywhere, and the hint of a carnation, you can be certain it is just shite and should be avoided.
It is probably not something you want to give or receive.
I am fairly sure I will get a home made card from Isabelle’s school, and even a macaroni necklace. I quite liked last year’s one — I kept it for some time, but maybe a bracelet this year or macaroni ear rings would be a nice add on gift.
The possible only exception with gifts that include the word “MOM” would be Mommy Juice Wine
I know that the idea is when you get a shockingly bad gift is to say the mantra: “its the thought that counts” – to which I say I tend to be thinking “what the fuck were you thinking??”
At the end of the day what is it that moms want? Here are a couple of ideas of good gifts:
1. To go to the toilet uninterrupted. I could not think of a better way to spend a day, than Kennith coming up with a bag of all my favourite Woolies treats, making me a cup of tea, p0uring a bag of chuckles into a bowl, putting this on my side table and saying: “I am going to take the kids out for the day. You relax, sleep, go for a shit, flick channels on the remote, go wild – we will see you at 17h00. Enjoy the day by yourself in the house. Oh I have done all the washing up, the kids rooms are clean, the house is in ship shape order. I even got Connor to clean up the dog shit – have a great day by yourself reading your book and dozing!”
That there is the perfect gift.
2. To read a book in the bath uninterrupted. Mine usually ends up with a small person coming and either getting in to the bath, or better yet sit on the toilet take a giant crap, and then tell me “Us finished” so I have to get out the bath to wipe their bum. Toilet paper on wet hands, and looking at your child’s chocolate starfish whilst you are trying to soak yourself in the wonders of a Body Shop bath oil, is sort of lost in this exercise.
3. A day at a Spa. Not to be confused with a day at the Spar. Which is similiar, but is not one of those instances where you go “ah, well just semantics hey!” Not just being given a voucher, but it being planned for you. Again revert to point 1. Driving you to the spa, saying hey I got the kids, you enjoy your 6 hours of relaxation – I will catch you at 16h00. Enjoy.
4. A box of goodies from the Body Shop. I adore the stuff from the Body Shop. Those guys can seldom get it wrong. I loved the “gingerbread” range that came out over Xmas. Still using it, adore the Body Shop.
5. One hour time out. Three fresh croissants, fresh butter, some divine cheese, honey, a pot of tea, the newspaper and an hour to read and enjoy it all.
6. Lovely jammies. Not ones with hearts, not ones with “My MOM is the best” just lovely cotton or warm winter jammies – again aim for Woolworth. PEP not so much! That’s a good gift.
7. Exclusive Books Vouchers – and being dropped off for 90 minutes to shop and choose books, then to meet your husband (kids need to be somewhere else) for a divine lunch!! That is a great way to spend Mother’s Day.
8. Godiva Truffles – here buddy, you just cannot go wrong!
These are a couple of ideas of shit not to give:
1. Appliances – I know a 4 slice kitchen toaster looks like a really good idea. I bet she has even said something like “shit balls we need a new washing machine.” Mother’s Day is not the day or the time to present anything that can be plugged in to a wall socket. In the kitchen. (this obviously excludes vaccuum cleaners and irons, which I assumed would be a foregone conclusion, but let’s add those in the interests of sanity)
2. A gift that is actually for you – this might include lingerie, a fishing rod or golf clubs, a new tv remote, new wii that sort of thing.
3. Anything available at 21h00 on a Saturday night — if you had to stop at an Engen or BP Quick Shop to buy it, well then odds are it is not the best buy you can make.
4. Artificial flowers — A definite must if you plan on being wacked in the head with them, and your Facebook status being changed to “it’s complicated.”
5. Robot flowers – if you are purchasing flowers from the guys at the side of the road on mother’s day, then ask yourself why? If you don’t know the answer, then hit your head against the steering wheel, and repeat exercise until you black out and the man at the traffic lights steals all your money (for those who appear baffled, in South Africa we refer to traffic lights as robots — hence the heading). Do not buy flowers at traffic lights/robots – are you too lazy arse to stop at Woolworths at the very least?
6. Gym membership — For the love of gd this is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this. She will hear “you are fat and you better go exercise” – you will hear the slamming of doors, and then you will have to go and buy a back up gift to say sorry, and still continue to service the gym membership for 24 months even though she is not going to be using it.
7. Lingerie — A mediocre to tacky gift on Valentine’s Day – but wow, just bad on Mother’s Day.
8. Deodorant masquerading as perfume!! Hells bells, my guess is you are in the aisle at Clicks. Stop yourself, put the tacky box down, leave the store. Go and get a drink, think it through again. If it still looks like a good idea, order a large fucking drink.
9. Heart bears, heart anything that has stuffing. Unless it is a stuffed chicken and you are serving it for lunch, then you can put an heart on it anytime!
10. Slippers. How many slippers does any women need? One pair that is how many. One pair. If you or anyone you have known have bought a pair in the last dozen years, then cross this piece of shit off your ‘stuff to get mom’ list.
11. A membership to Weight Watchers or a mountain bike (see point 6). Both kinda say that you are starting to get a bit chunky, and we need someone to bring in the big guns.
12. An electric egg boiler. No, just say fucking no!
13. Soap that has bigger wrapping than the soap. This is a visual trick to make you think you are buying a fabulous gift, but really it is a bar of soap and enough plastic and shit to fill your plastic recycling bucket.
14. A puppy. A kitten. A rabbit. A hamster. Fantastic another mouth to feed, and more shit to pick up. Do not buy pets as gifts —you can buy pets as meals. Chicken great for Sunday lunch, rabbit makes a good stew, and so on.
15. Re-gifting. Regifting is super funny, but not for mother’s day, because odds are you are going to fuck it up and give me the shit I gave you at Christmas. This behaviour is just too risky, unless you have a fantastic spreadsheet-of-keeping-a-record-of-who-gives-you-stuff system.