Originally posted on UK parenting website Mamami, the 14-part test will have you holding your sides with laughter, and nodding in agreement – I amended a few and added a few points.
Read, nod, laugh then forward on to a friend who thought she would have a baby, because it looks so easy. And fun.
Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
- Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
- Leave it there.
- After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
- Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
- Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
- Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2: Knowledge
- Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
- Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
- Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3: Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
- Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
- At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
- Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
- Set the alarm for 3am.
- As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
- Go to bed at 2.45am.
- Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
- Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
- Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
- Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4: Dressing Small Children
- Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
- Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
- When you think you might be getting this right, buy a cat with long hair.
- Attempt to bath the cat, dry the cat, dress the cat, and do the cat’s hair with two ponytails.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5: Cars
- Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
- Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
- Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
- Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
- Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Remove all your good CD’s and keep only a Barney one, which you will need to play every time you get into the car. Eventually you will be sticking a coin in the CD player.
- Throw shoes/socks/underwear and McDonalds takeaway boxes around the car, and smear KFC chicken along the windows – eye height would be a good reference point.
Test 6: Going for a walk
- Go out the front door.
- Come back in again.
- Go out.
- Come back in again.
- Go out again.
- Walk down the front path.
- Walk back up it.
- Walk down it again.
- Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
- Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
- Retrace your steps.
- Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
- Give up and go back into the house.
- You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8: Grocery Shopping
- Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
- Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
- Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old
- Hollow out a melon
- Make a small hole in the side
- Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
- Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
- Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
- Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
- Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
- Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11: Mess
- Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
- Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
- Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
- Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
- Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers
- Make a recording of someone shouting ‘Mummy’ repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
- Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13: Conversations
- Start talking to an adult of your choice.
- Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
- Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
- Put on your finest work attire.
- Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
- Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
- Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
- Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
- Do not change (you have no time).
- Go directly to work
Want to check out the original article, look here!