So anyway there was this baboon in my car ….

Connor is doing an Orienteering Programme in Tokai forest.  I drop him off at 09h30.  He runs around a bit and I collect him at 12h30.

It is too far to come back home, so I found a coffee shop to work and then headed back to collect Connor.

I arrive at the designated spot, turn my car engine off, roll down the windows, and lean into the back seat to grab my diary so I can make some last minute phone calls whilst I wait.

As I turn back, what do I find in the front seat half way in through the window? A baboon.  An actual hairy baboon.

I think I did the matrix stands still in time thing.  I visualised my hand turning the little lever for the window to roll up really fast.

Then I remembered that the car is not from 1977 so has a button.  Great, but not as impressive as a little handle I can wind the sh*t out of.

I wondered to myself if I could get to the button before the baboon ate my face. I mused about this for what seemed like an eternity.  I must confess this baboon was doing a very slow slink in through the window to deposit himself firmly in the passenger seat.

Or maybe it was just an indication of how slow times moves in Tokai Forest.

Eventually my right hand found the button, whilst my left hand continued to hold my diary firmly in place.  Just in case I wanted to make any quick appointments for the last 30 seconds of my life.  With a face.  And 10 fingers.

I pushed the button.  Which did make me realise how sssssssllllllllllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that button actually is.  It clearly is not designed for episodes of manic window up pressing, but more for lazy Sunday ice cream eating.

Here is the surprise part.  Granted if you will assume anything other than a large hairy baboon in your passenger seat is not sufficient surprise for one day.

I never thought what would happen if whilst he was injecting himself into my car, the window came up.  Would it make him jump forward? Or make him jump backwards?

The other option in the less than ideal map of the world is that Senior Hairy would have vaulted himself forward.  And there we would have been.  The two of us.  Trapped inside a white VW Caddy, with nothing to talk about and little to eat. Other than my face.

Fortunately baboon guy jumped backwards – or slid, or what ever baboons do when exiting a vehicle.  There I sat staring through the glass at him thinking FCK!

Baboon guy was not finished with me.  His hand gripped the door handle and pressed it so that he could enter in a more leisurely fashion.

You know when you are trying to push the “LOCK ALL THE FREAKING DOORS AND WINDOWS RIGHT NOW” button and you start hitting the the windscreen wipers, demister for the back window and child lock button at the same time.

Whilst you have a baboon trying to get into your car?

Just like that.

I locked the car and then sat there gasping for breath.  I was sure I was in a scene from Jurassic Park. I needed a glass of water on my dashboard.

Mr Hairy Pants is probably quite used to this behaviour, so he sat on the car in front of me and showed me his pen.is.

I tried to communicate with very complicated hand signals that I was married.  And an inter specie relationship probably was not going to work out.  It was all very tempting.  But I knew the measure of true love.

I was sure our love was not going to be able to look past the distance between my home in Parow and his in Tokai.

Long distance love does not always work.

He still sat there and showed me his pe.nis.  I am not sure if this has worked with previous girls.

It reminded me why I would be reluctant to get divorced and hit the dating scene again.

I looked at him.  He looked at me.  In a knowing manner.  And then he jumped on my car and worked his way around trying each door – as well as the boot.  Seriously for all this ev0lution vs creation mumbo-jumbo, my baboon was thorough!

When he realised we had a love whose name should not be spoken, he went to sit on the roof of my car and every now and then would put his leathery little fingers on the windscreen.  If you paired it with the song they sang when the Titanic ship sank it would have been pretty romantic stuff.

Eventually I started thinking that he was going to rip the roof off with his little leathery fingers – funny how the thing that draws you to a mate eventually repels you!

Somewhere I saw Connor (in my imagination) skipping up to the car only to be confronted with a face eating baboon.

You know how when you are small and an adult looks at you and says “I bet he is more scared of you than you are of it” – well freak that sherbet.  Baboons in Tokai Forest are plenty scary.

This is a picture of my guy.  I got it off his Facebook profile.  He likes walks in the rain and mosquitoes on the beach.

baboon_reluctantmom

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20 Comments

  1. ha ha ha. am finished.

    Reply
  2. Alexandra

     /  July 16, 2013

    I was shaking trying to keep the laughter inside (there is a client meeting in the next cubicle).

    Reply
  3. Janet Kahn

     /  July 10, 2013

    My boss now knows I am on fb instead of working because I am rolling in the aisles holding my sides cos they are sore from laughing!

    Reply
  4. Tracy

     /  July 9, 2013

    I think I just woke up the whole neighbourhood with my uncontrollable laughter!! Thank you thank you!! P.s. I think in another time, another place, you and Mr Baboon could have been soulmates 😉

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 10, 2013

      Totally. I do think the fact that I am not that into men with back hair might have stood in our way …. eventually. It will be the love whose name cannot be spoken.

      Reply
  5. LOL! Rather you than me!

    Reply
  6. Hilarious and terrifying all at once. Baboons are scary critters!

    Reply
  7. Hahaha! I would have first had a little accident in my pants, and then possibly I would have driven off to see how well he held on. I think you handled it all very nicely.

    Reply
  8. Tania

     /  July 9, 2013

    Very Funny but really glad you weren’t harmed.

    Reply
  9. Dude that is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Totally made my day! I know those baboons well and you described that guy perfectly! I must admit I started hoping you’d at least have a little fling with him… seemed like it was meant to be, no?

    Reply
  10. randomthoughtso

     /  July 9, 2013

    OMFG/ You made me giggle my coffee into a cappuccino. Scary. But you survived. And made it hilarious

    Reply
  11. Thank you Wow you made my day. The tears are rolling down my face

    Reply
  12. JOYCE

     /  July 9, 2013

    Listen chick, I haven’t laughed this much in a really long time. I think this piece is destined for a magazine somewhere. Seriously.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 9, 2013

      Yes, I am taking calls from National Geographic right now ….. well that is what the man says and he is from Nigeria, so it must be true.

      Reply
  13. Natacha

     /  July 9, 2013

    I absolutely loved your version of your little encounter with Mr Baboon!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 10, 2013

      Little encounter?? Did you see the size of this guy? When adrenaline is pumping and you are trapped inside a caddy I am sure that things also look bigger, so for me is was huge. It was my huge encounter with Mr Baboon> And he showed me his penis ….; twice. That is practically a third date.

      Reply
  14. This post is so hysterical, although you have my commiserations as well!

    Reply
  15. OMG Serious!?!

    Reply
  16. OMW! That was both terrifying and hilarious! Loved your description of your close encounter but scared witless on your behalf.

    Reply

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