Adventure Boot Camp and McDonald’s go head to head …..

Adventure-Boot-Camp-for-Women

Adventure Boot Camp is 4 weeks of hell.

There is not one moment of joy.  I get really excited when I get asked to grab my yoga mat and the sun has gone down, because I live in hope that I will be doing final stretches and then stand around and clap like a seal, and be allowed to go home.

I am the oldest and fattest person there.  I am last in every possible activity.

This is not a cry for help or affirmation, it is a fact.

There are girls that laugh and giggle throughout – meanwhile I am attempting to hold my bladder in and not shit in my pants.  I am wearing lycra and even in my fairly elementary understanding of sport’s wear I realise that a large lump of poop in my pants will be noticed.

It is a difficult hour – I swear and curse a great deal.  I am amazed I have an apron for a stomach that often tends to lie against my thighs —- I wish to die right there and then.

I never walk away happy.  I limp away in relief that it is over.

The endorphins do not know how to find me.  Possibly I need to do one of those location updates on my phone, maybe they would find me then.

I wore a Simple Minds t-shirt last night – concert in Cape Town 1995 – that I think was older than most girls there.  1995, they were embryos, and I was considered underweight.

I miss those days.

It is all tragic, and sad …. and makes me long for my quiet time eating a McDonalds McMuffin, my large chips and large Coke Zero.  See the problem?

Tell me again how much a gastric bypass costs … and what you need to do to qualify?

Pop over to Adventure Boot Camp and {like} the image, I think I win something.

It might be lipo-suction, and a free session at plastic surgeon …. or a stomach pump …… or a head band ….. right now I would settle for home made pasta and about 27 liters of wine.  I am too exhausted to pay attention.

True story.

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10 Comments

  1. MotivatedNotHumiliated!!

     /  September 20, 2013

    Adevnture BootCamp is AWESOME!!! Go eat Mc Donalds while i get Sexy for Summer!! Simone you are awesome! love the way you push us an make us regret the Mc Donalds we eat ( obviously months before bootcamp).

    Reply
  2. Tanya

     /  September 7, 2013

    I certainly don’t find any humour in your posts but, I suppose you have a strange way of expressing it… ‘Heave in a Primary school’ …lol… All good…I on the other hand, have a better way of expressing HUMOUR! No need to be told to loosen up….haha! Enjoy your Mc Muffin.

    Reply
  3. Tanya

     /  September 6, 2013

    If bootcamp makes you so unhappy don’t register again. Rather that than comparing it to Mc Donalds and having nothing good but, negativity to share. Don’t compare yourself to others. you are unique for a reason and unfortunately we are what we eat. Get your mindset right and with that follow a healthy lifestyle and don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s about you nobody else. This is actually not even funny at all. Clap like seals…really?? Try laughing, it’s good for your soul! The title of your blog should be your name vs Mc Donalds def not Adventure Bootcamp…..

    Reply
    • Wow Tanya Ellis {Porra) – you do realise there was a certain element of humour involved in this post?

      Simone who gives the class is brilliant – and I think as much as I bitch and moan, she realises that she is pushing me and I appreciate it. Of course I hate boot camp – I hate anything that makes me sweat and heave in a primary school. But I go – and the reason I go IS BECAUSE I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR — try and loosen up a bit …. just a tiny bit.

      Reply
  4. simone

     /  September 6, 2013

    No she’s not! she’s the FISH! x

    Reply
  5. simone simon

     /  September 5, 2013

    Celest like ur 2nd entry says……..swim girl swim!……before I put a McDonalds Mcmuffin in my mouth I will first think long and hard to what it will do to me and my body, considering that you have children and at the end of the day we WANT to live a long, healthy life for them…….that includes exercising and eating healthy…..at the end of the day its a SACRIFICE…..girl nothing comes easy in. Life…..however its easier to put a McDonalds Mcmuffin in your mouth than doing 20 squats!….but at the end of the day the 20 squats wins by far!……….

    You are by far not the fattest and for sure not the oldest……ROSS has done over 40 camps after having a tripple bypass heart surgery!!!! I mean!!!! What an amazing excample for us all! Ross is over 60! We have ladies in the forties and late thirties too……the most I would say…….

    Me being a mum of 3 will keep on doing bootcamp and train ladies cause @ the end of the day we should c the bigger picture and look into the future!……

    U the best girl!

    Reply
  6. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  September 4, 2013

    Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I love you Celeste! This is brilliant! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I’m laughing with you and not at you by the way… as I was also once the oldest, fattest and most unfit person at ABC. Then I wised up and realized I could quit!

    Reply
  7. Oh Lauren, a fellow battered soul. I really do not understand how people get that excited about exercising …. I keep hoping that if the world ends it will before Adventure Boot Camp, it seems such a waste to do an hour of it and then the world ends …. and then I am standing at the pearly gates wearing my bad fitting lycra and knowing that the last words that passed my lips were “thank fk!”

    Reply
  8. Lauren

     /  September 4, 2013

    I cant even tell you how much this post made me laugh! If it makes you feel any better, I would be in the back of the class with you watching the skinny bitches yawn from boredom while I sweated more liquid than the Titanic took in.

    Reply

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