When it all goes wrong ….

Connor was invited to a birthday party for Friday morning.  I read the SMS invite and my eyes read 10h30.

Friday at 09h45 I rechecked the SMS to realise it said 10h00.

Flew out the house wearing the stuff you pray no one sees you in.  Screeched off down the road.  Traffic on the N1 was bumper-to-bumper at 09h48 on a Friday morning.

I yelled and screamed, but the traffic did not seem to care.

Roared into the parking area, and because it was that kind of  day, there was no parking and I had to park at the furthest possible entrance to the shopping centre.

Ran through the shopping centre with a 12 year old dragged behind me.  Get to location cannot find party people.  Gate holders seem to have no idea about the party – I think okay, I will just pay for him to go in and then he can join the party — I am sure they are inside there somewhere.

Look in wallet.  No money.  F*ck!

Little hamster in head tries to work out best route through maze.  Decide.  Okay leave Connor at the entrance of the party place – hugely stressful to me, as he is now standing alone inside the biggest mall – really regret our earlier decision not to give him a fully charged cell phone.

Yes, that is working out quite nicely now.

I give him firm instructions to remain in this position and only move if he sees the party group.

I run some more to the other side of the center.  Actually I ran first in the incorrect direction, so it did take twice as long.

Find an ATM – stand in queue.  Bouncing on my toes as you do when you are waiting and wondering if at this exact moment your child is being kidnapped by a man in a vest.

Get to ATM – put card in – hand shaking, either not enough caffeine or too much adrenaline, or too much crack for breakfast.

ATM takes card, does not give money, not a slip of paper, or a f*ck you very much.  Just takes the card and then politely asks for “next customer please.”

The issue now is how long to wait for your card to expelled from the machine or to run and see if you can located your child before a man in a vest whisks him away in a red Toyota Tazz.

After 10 minutes and screaming at the ATM.  I decided if I ran really fast I could collect my child and run to the bank to stop my card before it got spat out of the machine into a person who realises I am still using 12345 as my ATM don’t tell anyone PIN number.

Ran to where I left Connor, he was not there.  Mild sh*t attack.  Hopped from foot to foot and eventually saw him at the party – tried to call child’s-mom-whose-party-it was, she was not answering.

Thought okay, calm down, try and take a breath.  Next plan is to run to bank, stop card, and hopefully they can give me an emergency card, as I had no money and no access to any money without an ATM card.

Running to the bank – good plan to save time.

Inside the bank, it appears to run on a different time line altogether.  I

st00d in the line so long the person who walks down the line to ask you in a helpful voice why you are standing in the queue – who seems like a jolly good idea, but the reality is even if you said your pants were on fire they would smile and nod telling you you are in the right queue.

I really wish banks would understand that checking if clients are in the right queue, is not as effective as say opening another teller window and thus shortening the queue.

After just short of two hours I had received an emergency card and been able to cancel the other cards connected to my accounts so the bank could issue new ones.

By the time I got back to the party place, the party had ended  and the kids had wandered off to a fast food outlet.

There was a bit more of me panicking, phoning the phone that does not get answered, and basically have a total humour failure in the middle of a shopping mall.

Eventually found him.

He had had a great time.

Me?  I was bleeding out of my ears from stress.

But then Connor and I went and had McDonalds together and then I felt a bit better.


{little did I know that this was going to be amateur hour for the shit day it was going to be….}

Leave a comment


  1. I am exhausted just from reading this!

  2. Brilliant. I love thee

  3. countesskaz

     /  December 23, 2013

    Really? Aaaaah, it must have been an excruciating morning. Ps Well done on your award by the way.


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