What did you get for Xmas? I got a divorce. You?

{I have changed the settings, so you will need to click through to the site to read the full post …… }

Kennith asked/made it clear that he wanted a divorce.

IMG_1431

On 20 December 2013.

I thought we were talking about the fact that I had got a dog (Parker, the French Bulldog}, and not really taken his thoughts regarding a new dog into consideration – and had gone ahead and got a dog.  That is actually what I thought the issue was about.

It appears I was mistaken.

This is Parker, this is not what the disagreement was about.  This is not what we are getting divorced over.

Parker_9179

Parker_9069

It was an evening that proved I was far off the gist of the conversation.

It also proved I had absolutely zero SPIDEY senses.  None it seems.

I did not see it coming.  At all.  No idea.  I still had not grasped we were talking about divorce until about 30% into the conversation – I kept thinking well this is about Parker.

Talk about a slow learner.

You know when you brain is going “kehhhhhh ……” {said in the accent of the waiter from Fawlty Towers} and not quite getting what it is that you are actually talking about?

Just like that.

I really would like to say that I took it like a real trooper, but I would be lying.

I felt like a truck had side-swiped me.  I still do.  I have given up looking for the truck registration.  I have chosen to just lie on the road and go “aaaahhhhh fuck!” in the hope another truck will come along and just finish it off.

I walk into rooms and wonder what the hell I am doing there, because I had forgotten.  Brain = blank.

I cried the ugly cry.  When your mouth does that shape that it is not meant to, and you cry so hard that the tears actually can no longer get out because your eyes are scrunched so hard.

Just like that.

I went on to convince myself that I had somehow heard wrong and Kennith did not actually mean he wanted a divorce after 20 years of being together.

We had not had an argument.  There was no screaming “fuck you” down the passage.  As far as I knew no one had “stepped” outside the relationship.

Well I am convinced that is actually how it is.  I was being broken the news whilst I was thinking we were maybe arguing about something totally different.

Xmas day came and went.  We had a lovely day with his cousin, and I was exhausted by 14h00.  I felt there was this elephant in the room that I could not mention, and was screaming inside – every minute made me die a bit more.

I took the kids and headed out to my mom in Hermanus on the 26 December.  I tried to take the time to digest what was happening – and just to have some quiet time in my head.

My mom let me sleep late.  I could spend time just staring into the distance.  She just let me be.  Bless her cotton socks.

My brain still told the rest of me that I was sure that Kennith did not mean it. He was just having a moment.

I would get back and things would be okay.  Strained but okay.  I had convinced myself.

My mom kept asking “but why?………..” and I did not seem clear on why, so she kept looking at me like I had confused the shopping list, and just needed to really get a grip on things.  I just sat on the couch and sipped wine, and stared into the distance.

She let me.  And for that I will be forever grateful.

I realised that Kennith had not suggested divorce as a conversation starter.  He had told me we were getting a divorce.

He explained his reasons, and though I did not agree.  They were his reasons, and I need to respect them.  I guess that is why it is called a divorce, and not a pleasant picnic discussion at Kirstenbosch.

I returned from Hermanus and was sure that if I walked in with a certain swagger and confidence, then this entire “divorce” thing would disappear.

It seemed no amount of swagger would do the trick.

He moved to the spare room.  He took the large screen TV.  I was left wondering what the hang was happening.  Having to tell myself in no uncertain terms that THIS WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING – then have a bit more of an ugly cry into my pillow.

Divorce I was told was still the plan.

Then we started talking about child custody, and where we would live and all sorts of things that are without a doubt, what I would call a “fucking nightmare!”

My head is screaming.  I tried to look like it was all well within my grasp of things to absorb.

It wasn’t.  It isn’t.

This entire thing is an absolute nightmare.  NIGHT freaking MARE.

It seems however it plays out when I am awake, which is less than ideal.  When I sleep I dream of other things, so it is a nice getaway.

I am beyond the point where one goes “so how are you otherwise?” – I am a wreck.  There are no buts, there is no silver lining – I am fairly sure the time for unicorns and them farting rainbows is just about over.  This people is the time of hard decision, pain and anguish.

2014 is going to be a very challenging year. Winding a 20 year relationship down, has got to be challenging.

I don’t know, I have never done it before.  I am thinking that it must be “less than ideal” – my guess is it will be less then ideal. no matter how we much we set out not to “be ugly” to each other.

Translate hard as “what the fuck” – I just do not know how I will find the strength, the resources, and the mental and emotional power to make it through.

But one must.  Mustn’t one?  What are the choices?

Lots of difficult decisions to be made. Lots of anguish.  Lots of screaming. Lots of crying.  And lots of things that make me want to have a saline drip on wheelies with wine pumping in my veins 24/7.

But that might not present well to the lawyer when chatting about child custody.  So I may need to go and delete and few posts off this blog.

I will be the villain one day. Kennith can be the villain on other days.  And so it will go.

If we are lucky we can get to the other side without totally destroying our children, and maybe having a smidgen of respect for each other.

And a thin layer of sanity.  Granted zero bank balance, and my guess is a fairly low sense of self esteem.

I cannot do cliches.

I cannot do silver lining.

I cannot do “things will work out” … I just cannot.  If you tell me things aren’t over until …. oh, you know the rest, please please please try not to.

I know you think they will make me feel better, but the only thing that may make me feel better is if I was not having to go through a divorce in 2014.

Be there for my rants.  Be there for my silences.  Be there for my epic breakdowns and when I question sanity, and my place in the universe.  Just be there for me when I need bolstering and when I need a “quiet in my storm.”

It is all a bit of a cluster mind fuck right now.

Now you know.

Excuse me. whilst I have a long lie down.

Tune in again a bit later, normal broadcast will resume.

I wish that this was my sentiment – I really wish it was …… but maybe later …. or maybe never.

storm

How was your Xmas?  Did you get anything that surprised you as much?

{rules of engagement – it needs to be respected that both Kennith and I are going through this – I would really appreciate if there were no slandering comments, and just being a bit of a dick comments.  I am sure that both of us are to blame, in different ways, but at the end of the day we have three children, and though there might have been a decision on to be with one another, we need to respect that we are trying to do the best that we can.  And survive the day.  So, no shit talk!  ‘kay?}

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56 Comments

  1. I got the same Christmas present in December of 2014. Although I would not find out for a couple of months later, there was a girlfriend. And the divorce? I was the one who asked for the divorce. Officially. I had him served with papers 3 months after he left. He hadn’t even consulted with a lawyer. WTF? Still “married” today as we can’t come to an agreement.

    Reply
    • Mazeltov. I got my divorce for Christmas the year before last —- it was very special. I could not have been more surprised had I been told we were getting a donkey.

      Unfortunately it has now became part of Xmas. Fucker could have waited for another date to totally destroy, but hey, I guess shits gotta happen when shits gotta happen.

      Reply
      • I read somewhere that most separations/divorces happen around Christmas and New Years. Lots of reasons behind it, depending on the situation. On to making new memories.
        I love how candid you are. And I too use fuck/fucker way more than I should.

        Reply
  2. I had chills reading this whole thing. Your honesty is beautiful and heart breaking all at once. I wish you the best through this.. I really do..

    Reply
  3. Sorry Celeste, that sucks balls. Be strong

    Reply
  4. Thank you to everyone who left comments – and those who sent me private messages. I will confess that I do feel very scared, afraid, anxious and overwhelmed by this entire process.
    Did not see it coming, still a bit shell shocked. I am very appreciative of all the support, offers to drink copious amounts of wine and other distractions that have been offered. I may well be crying on your couch some time soon with my 5 litre box of wine!!!!

    Reply
  5. Charlene

     /  January 16, 2014

    Love you and here for you always, now you have it in writing. XXXXX

    Reply
  6. A “soul-ripper”. That is how one good friend described it. I am sorry you are in this unimaginably difficult transition in your life. Grieve well with the right people. You have a lot of folks rooting for you.

    Reply
  7. julie10

     /  January 15, 2014

    No words of wisdom come to mind. You are about to have my 2013 only worse. I only have one kid. There is no good when it comes to divorce. Prepare for the ugly. Even nice people become ugly during divorce. It’s just how we are as humans. It’s been 11 months for me and I still wake up thinking “what the fuck happened”. My door is open any time. x

    Reply
  8. So sorry 😦

    Reply
  9. Margot

     /  January 14, 2014

    So flippen sorry things are kak. What a gatslag. Which my phone tried to autocorrect to fat slag. Either or. Xxx

    Reply
  10. Ashley

     /  January 14, 2014

    One day at a time.

    Reply
  11. Loretta

     /  January 14, 2014

    Have not read your blog in a while and so decided to stop by…. Really sorry Celeste. This can only be beyond kak, so I think it’s exceptionally brave of you to put it out there. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  12. Coco

     /  January 14, 2014

    Oi so so sorry to hear, this is just “kak”! You will survive this, for yourself, your children and with lots of help from your family, friends, lawyer and WINE!!! xxx

    Reply
  13. bluebirdscrapper75

     /  January 14, 2014

    Celeste. I am so so sorry to hear this. Fucking awful. Thinking of you and sending you love and strength at this time. And heaps of bear hugs. XO

    Reply
  14. I am so sorry. What a shock to have that thrown at you.

    Reply
  15. Christiane Allen Pitts

     /  January 14, 2014

    Thinking of you and your family. Divorce sucks and there’s no other way to say it! I divorced when my daughter was almost 2 and I was SURE the pain would kill me. I got through it and you will too. Sending good, calming, positive vibes from Houston, Texas! xoxox

    Reply
  16. So very very sorry Hun. Lots of love x

    Reply
  17. Kim

     /  January 13, 2014

    Hello Reluctant Mom, I don’t usually post comments, but after reading your post I couldn’t help myself. Please know that you are in my thoughts and that I wish only the best for you…I am so sorry.

    Reply
  18. Beth

     /  January 13, 2014

    So very sorry.

    Reply
  19. Wishing you good luck and lots of strength to get through this.

    Reply
  20. I’m thinking of you. I wish you weren’t going through this, just reading your post makes me feel sick.

    Reply
  21. Sarah-The Mommy City

     /  January 13, 2014

    Thinking of you and here to read your rants x

    Reply
  22. Candy

     /  January 13, 2014

    OMF!!! Strongs!!!

    Reply
  23. Sorry to hear!

    Reply
  24. First post of yours I’ve read. Won’t be the last. My heart goes out to you. I am familiar with the stuttering brain trying to make sense of and accept the new reality. I know that hollow feeling in the chest and gut as you slowly realize what is happening. There is no sugarcoating, it sucks. Know that you’re not alone and that it is okay to need help. We accept that people need help at the beginning and end of life. Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another. Hugs for you guys.

    Reply
  25. It sucks! Big Time! Thinking of you all!

    Reply
  26. It’s an awful thing to go through…even when you are the one pulling the plug. Good luck.

    Reply
  27. Jenny

     /  January 13, 2014

    I too wish I had words of wisdom. My husband said this to me four years ago. We have battled to rebuild our marriage ever since and I still have many days where I wonder if I did the right thing by staying. Know that if you do or not, your marriage won’t be the same, you won’t be the same and it will be hard and messy either way – sometimes I think divorce is ‘better’ as there is at least an end point and a new beginning for all concerned including the kids. I don’t think that was hugely helpful only to say I understand a little of the devastation and disbelief. Big love to you.

    Reply
  28. I cried – snot en trane – when I read your post. Anyone that’s been through a divorce can promise you, it’s a bitch!! BUT, you need to know that even though you want to curl up and die, NEVER underestimate your strength as a woman and as a mom, NEVER let anyone make you feel less that the awesome woman that you are. Like my five year old says – Luv you big time!!

    Reply
  29. Alexandra

     /  January 13, 2014

    Thinking of you and wishing there was something I could do or say that would help.

    Reply
  30. 😦 So sad to read this today. It is raw, it is honest. You are raw, you are honest. Take care.

    Reply
  31. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  January 13, 2014

    It sux! Big, sweaty, hairy donkey balls! I’m sorry you’re going through this… all of you!
    You know where to find me and I’m here if you want to chat!
    xxx

    Reply
  32. Hi Celeste. My word, did NOT see that coming at all!

    I am going through something similar. Except without the element of suprise. My situation was untenable for a long time before I decided to call it quits.

    I identify with One Parent Short’s comment. Just when u wanna crawl into a hole and press pause on the whole world for a while whilst you figure out WTF just happened to your life, that is just when you need to pucker-up & deal with lawyers, admin, logistics, scary words like “custody”, remembering the specified value of your individual assest stipulated per your pre-nuptial contract way back when…I mean, REALLY? HONESTLY? You are asking me THAT, LIKE RIGHT NOW???!?*&! Then you start to wrack your brain thinking WTF you might have done in the past which he could use against you.But he wouldn’t…would he???!?? Then you realise you don’t know whether he would or not because in a split second, your “wing-man” and partner for life has kind of become a complete stranger to you…

    I have no platitudes to offer. Except to say take it one step at a time. As you start to figure out the 1st thing, then the 2nd & so on, you might start to feel a liiiiiitttle bit more in-control of your life and hopefully that will make you feel ever so slightly better as time goes on. But it’s a process. You’re heartbroken, confused, you whole world as you knew it has just shifted off its axis. Give yourself time my dear. Strength and love to you.

    Reply
  33. Natacha

     /  January 13, 2014

    Been there, done that. Pop me an email. We can get together for a glass of wine. We are both in the north.

    Its hard, its harder than hard. But you do get through it.

    Reply
  34. You know, I just couldn’t understand why I felt physically like I had been in a major car accident and yet instead of being hospitalised and put on a P.C.A drip of pethadine with round the clock care, I was expected to get up day after day and make sandwiches for school and get dressed. I tried to tell people “You don’t understand – I can’t move”, but they say that stuff that doesn’t help in a well meaning way and invite you to picnic with them on the weekend. The funny thing is that looking back it was those kids needing those damn sandwiches that made me recover a little quicker than I would have if I had been allowed to be where I wanted to be, which was swallowed up by my mattress or vomiting or both. Strangely enough it was a friends husband who said something that stuck with me and helped a lot, he said “When you need to, then be strong and brave, but when you don’t, then don’t fight it, feel it”. (If I know him it was probably a song lyric), but It’s become my mantra for all of life’s stuff now. It gives you permission to put on a brave face without feeling like a fake, because it also allows you to take time to feel all of it in order to get through it.

    Ugh, I’m so so sorry.

    Reply
  35. Nicci

     /  January 13, 2014

    Thinking of you xx

    Reply
  36. No platitudes.

    Good luck with the little bit of limbo while you sort things through and head into the unknown of the next chapter.

    Here’s hoping the next chapter is a good one xxx

    Reply
  37. honey. I have no words. Im so sorry.

    Reply
  38. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Sterkte!

    Reply
  39. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply
  40. Shock Horror What The??? I have no other words.

    Reply
  41. Wow, did not expect this and am so sorry to hear it.

    Reply
  42. Oi! Having been here I know how sucky this time is. You are trying to process it but have to keep your head together for the kids and practical stuff. It is not easy and it’s probably not going to get easier for a while.

    BUT it does – eventually – hold on to that! (and your glass of wine)

    If you want to vent or talk or whatever – you have my number and my email.

    xx

    Reply
  43. Andrea

     /  January 13, 2014

    Thinking of you and your family during this tough time xx

    Reply
  44. I am so sorry. My father also chose Christmas as a good time to end his marriage. Take deep breaths. Cry. Take a step forward. And then another. And on the bright side – you have a dog, which is a lot like having a husband. You need anything – we got your back.

    Reply
  45. colleen

     /  January 13, 2014

    i am so sad to read this , no huge words of wisdom or guidance here. you will all be in my thoughts, as you say you are entering a mine field…

    Reply
  46. Gee friggin whiz. Just that really. So sorry Celeste. Warm thoughts to you all as you ride this particularly big storm xx

    Reply
  47. Charlotte

     /  January 13, 2014

    What a truly shitty way to start off the new year. So sorry that you are having to go through this.
    One thing I will always remember about my parent’s truly gawd-awful divorce was that at no stage did my mother ever bad mouth my father in front of us / to us (although she had ample cause to!). Try make that memory for your kids, if you can.

    Reply
  48. Celeste – I have wine and my door is always open. You’ve dropped a book in my post box so you should now where it is, if not i will whatsapp you the address when ever you need it. If you need to talk through the night with wine in your drip, i have sleeper couch in my lounge as well. I’m here babes with wine.

    Reply
  49. F*ck! 😦

    Reply
  50. Dear reluctant mom, I love your blog and your open, honest and bold writing. I enjoy learning about life in SA and about issues over there. I loved your post about that American female game hunter. I love what u do and I know something was going on but god I’m so sorry. No cliches no positive sentiments, just I’m sorry and thinking of u, over in Sydney. Take care of yourself !

    Reply
  51. Tania

     /  January 13, 2014

    This has always been the greateat fear for myself. Marriage has its good & bad, mine is no different, yet I live in daily fear that my other half would hit me with this news & I would sit with my eyes wide & my mouth open but speechless. More so now as I’ve sacrificed my career to raise the children so that he can continue studying, work longer hours, improve his own self worth & career. SH*T!!! Thank you for sharing, I am there for you if you need anything, something, whatever!! Xx

    Reply
  52. Celeste, you are in my thoughts. I know that your blog community is here to provide strength and support xx

    Reply

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