Kennith moved out today.
Tomorrow will be the first day that I wake up without him as part of my every day life, which has been a constant for nearly 20 years.
I realised today that I have not fully absorbed the “emotional” side of this process.
I have been so busy with the logistics.
How we will divvy up the house.
What happens with the children and what happens financially for the children that I have not really “sat” with the emotional fall out.
I am really good at ticking off the blocks, making lists, and ensuring that things get done in an organised efficient manner.
I am not always so good at dealing with the “emotional stuff” – I avoid it and defer it until it all hits me in one giant mother of a smack against the side of my head.
I have been so focused on the “details” that I have not had a chance to really take this process IN.
I have had two instances where I sobbed. Where I cried like a lunatic.
The one I sat in my car and I cried with snot bubbles and that silent scream that you do when you are on the edge of insanity.
Then I stopped crying because I have shit to do, and stuff to get sorted. I do not have the time to lie in a heap on the floor with a pack of Kleenex.
I have the odd tear, and sniffle, but I have not had a cry.
I chew it back. I nod and say “I am fine” ….. I just do not have the time. I am afraid and I barely have the energy to hold my shit together.
I am too afraid that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop. Ever.
And then the world will come to an end.
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new psychologist.
I think it is time to meet a new man. Sit on the couch and have a good all-fall-down. Then pay him as I leave for listening to my problems. Sounds almost like a date, just no possibility of a split bill.
I “feel” like I am “okay” but I have learnt a long time ago that actually that I am pretty awesome at constructing and maintaining facades of sanity. If you need someone who puts a “chin up” on anything, please contact me – I have it so taped, I could give classes.
I realise I need to get a good psychologist in my corner — because at some point this is all going to crack. Going to break.
And then all the king’s horses and men will not be able to put this Humpty Dumpty together again.
Today is not a fun day.
My guess is that tomorrow is not going to be any better.
I wanted to say “any fucking better” but then I decided I should really try to stop saying “fuck” “fucking” or “for fuck sake” so fucking much. Then I decided, well fuck that.