I gave a talk recently and left writing or preparing anything until the night before, and then I sat bleary eyed cobbling some thoughts together. I used a bit of this “looking at my journey with Reluctant Mom” so I am sharing it with you here.
Looking back over a few years of Reluctant Mom ….. part two
The first part is here if you wish to catch up on the “story” …. and this is the follow on to that piece.
The art of drowning ……
My daughter suckled non-stop.
I became adept at doing everything whilst she fed. I could not put her down as she would immediately spring awake and start to SCREAM. Not meow like a newborn, but scream like a maniac.
She showed every symptom of colic, without actually having colic.
She screamed non-stop and only stopped if she was feeding, or being rocked to sleep. If one more person looked at her screaming and said “are you sure you have fed her enough” I was seriously going to stab someone in the head with a squirrel.
I learnt to sleep sitting up straight in bed whilst doing this mad rocking motion to just get her to sleep.
I rocked her whilst I sat on the toilet, I rocked her when I was working on my computer.
I rocked her whilst doing everything.
I was always feeding her, which though is supported by various breast feeding organisations it is hell on your nipples, and leaves very little time for niceties like napping, showering or teeth brushing.
I was a mess — I had visions of taking my daughter, my sweet gorgeous daughter and throwing her across the room.
I knew it would be very bad – but I fantasised about the few moments of peace I would have whilst she flew though the air. Before she hit the wall.
I know I sound flippant about it now – but the thoughts of how to get her to be quiet and the absolute lack of sleep, and trying to juggle a house and two other children were draining to say the least.
I used to think about it —- and often.
Then I took myself along to a psychiatrist for a little chat and a script. I wasn’t coping. I was giving a semblance of coping, but the reality is that I was not coping.
I felt quite devastated that I just could not get this motherhood thing right.
I realised that this having babies was seriously hard work. NO matter how much you prepared. NO matter how much you thought you knew it all or read, you actually do not know how it is until you are there.
As a mom I felt that I could not explain to anyone how difficult it was.
How hard this process was, and how I felt like I was dying every day.
Drowning in it all.
Instead of being joyous and excited about life – I was exhausted, frantic and really not enjoying motherhood at all.
I doubted myself and wondered how on earth I could have got myself into this hole with three children, and a fast depleting grasp on sanity.
To be continued ……..