The week that was raw, brutal and painful ….

{for those who are not on point with the subject matter, Kennith and I are going through a divorce process, and instead of using litigation we are using mediators and facilitators – we have had three sessions, and pretty much wrapped up our 20 year relationship in a mere 6 hours —–}

Thursday was the day.

It was the epic and highly anticipated mediation and facilitation session.  Number 4.  The big one.

The one I have been dreading, lost sleep over, had fear that I was losing my mind which at best I have a very tentative hold on – I had escalated anxiety “moments” and this week was raw, rough and painful.

I was at my best when I was sleeping.  During my waking moments I was a total disaster.

I sleep like a fucking champion!

I had worked myself into quite a froth by the time Thursday rolled around.

I did make one good decision this week, and that was to book an interview with my head doctor from 10h00 – 11h00, and then the mediation session would run from 11h00 – 13h00.

The hour before was just so that I did not have a total melt down during the m&f.

Dr A was great, and he kept me centered, and focused, and definitely help to reduce the “flight or flight” process that was happening on my side.  I needed to keep it together for the two hour m&f, and I needed him to just keep me focused and my anxiety at bay.

I had already bailed on the earlier booking we had for about two weeks ago and I knew I could not postpone again.

I have been erratic, slightly insane (okay very insane), totally off the wall bonkers on several occasions, and have lived in fear of Thursday dawning.

I was scared. Petrified.  Afraid.  I felt like I was walking into a gladiator’s arena with absolutely no protection.

I had escalated the entire thing to the point where it consumed my every thought, breath and fear for the last month.  And every day that got closer to Thursday I could feel my anxiety, and stress growing …..

Thursday arrived.  As it has want to do.

Like with all things, it was not as bad as I had feared.  It was not as brutal as I had anticipated.

It was painful.  It was excruciating.  It was horrible, it was all of those things.  At it’s worst it was not worse than the anticipation, fear and anxiety that I had created.

I recall at one point seeing the time and it was 11h40.  I could not believe we had only been in there for 40 minutes it felt like several life times had passed in that office.

I walked out of the session at one point to have a good cry.  We were on a subject that I just could not look at in a non-emotional way, and I think I also had a moment of clarity when I realised I was fighting for something that I had to accept I was going to lose.

When I say “good cry” I mean the kind where you are tjunking, loudly with snot and tears spilling down your face whilst people walking past hold their children a little closer in case crazy crying lady outside the psyche clinic really lost the last thread of the plot.

This week has felt like every cell in my body was vibrating and the hamster in my head was running at full throttle. On ritalin.

I have honestly never been as scared as I was of Thursday.

I was jumpy, distracted.  I felt like my head was constantly losing the plot.  I have had wild erratic thoughts, found it difficult to remain on point, and this week has totally overwhelmed me.  Consumed me.

And spat me out.  Wet, shivering and feeling weak.

I have made so many mistakes this week, so many bad decisions, so many things I wish I could get a re-do on.   I wish I had more control over my emotions and my spinning head. I wish I had.  I just wish I had differently.

alone-2014

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. ailsaloudon

     /  April 19, 2014

    You wonder how people you gave all your love to could do this to you – you invest your life in them and then they toss you aside without a care! So wrong and I think you should be able to still lay blame in the divorce – this business where you just have to say you are incompatible DOES NOT do this wrong they have done to you any justice. Hugs sweetie, the death of your marriage is just like a death in the family – it hurts like hell and takes time to get over. My thoughts are with you!

    Reply
  2. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I am praying for you! Yes, as some have said above….we need a good cry every now and then. Let the emotions out so you can think clearly. And writing…not like here on the blog but grab a pen and paper or a computer and keyboard and write out exactly what is going through your head. No matter how random and nonsensical it is! Again…I am praying for you and your family!

    Reply
  3. So sorry that you have to go through this … but at least you can say you survived Thursday.

    Reply
  4. It sounds awful, so sorry.

    Reply
  5. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  6. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  April 14, 2014

    But it’s over and you did it, you got through it and you’re still here!
    Big hugs!
    xxx

    Reply
  7. *Big Hugs* It sounds like you coped with the situation the way anyone else would have given the circumstances. Wishing you strength and peace as you get through this garbage dump of a situation.

    Reply
  8. Celeste, you made it and you survived it. well done. I’m sure the feeling is mutual with regards to wanting to change a few things you did or said. I say mutual as I’m sure K might also have done things differently. There’s no memo for these kind of situations.

    Chin up old girl.

    Reply
  9. A big virtual hug xx

    Reply
  10. {hugs} Tough days will pass.. You are indeed stronger than you can ever imagine. {hugs} I wish you well.. 💐

    Reply
  11. ((hugs))

    Reply
  12. ((hugs)) The good news is that you got through it! You survived that meeting. You are stronger than you thought!

    One day at a time!

    Reply
  13. REne

     /  April 13, 2014

    Big hug and squeeze

    Reply
  14. I am sending love and strength your way. Hoping those good cries can help some.

    Reply

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