The lies we tell ourselves …. to get by

You know the part where I said I was fine and coping really well.

The sheer magnitude of that “lie” became apparent yesterday as I proceeded to have what can only be described as a shit-fucking day, and a total break with reality.

I am not sure if shit and fucking should be combined, but it was the sort of the day where there were few other options that would work.

I have managed to cope pretty well.  I told you I was coping well.  I told me I was coping well.

I told my psychologist I was “fine actually” …. anyone who would listen I told them I was fine.

It appears coping and just putting things into neat boxes, and avoiding dealing with them is almost the same thing.

On Sunday I had been invited to a really lovely day away with my friend and her lovely guy.  We had a relaxing day.

Went out for dinner, and it was really just really great.

view

I am not a big “sea” person – possibly because I have always lived at the sea, or near the sea, the sea holds very little in the way of wonder for me.

Mountains are far more my thing.

My divine friend and her significant man person, were nice enough to “evacuate” their room and let me have the room with a view – I know I should have said “no, really guys, no” but then I didn’t.

But then I saw the view — and well then I rethought that I might in fact be a “sea person.”

Monday pulled around.  And then I had a poes collapse.

The epic kind.  I know we tend to use rather “epic” liberally but if I can direct you to one of it’s meanings of unusually great size or extent” then I get to use the word epic for my day yesterday.

The sort of day where I stood wondering how many sleeping tablets would be sufficient to have a really long sleep, say versus off”ing yourself.  My personal feeling on numbers is 22.

I am not sure why, but I feel that 22 is the “magic number.”

I have not done any personal investigation, it just is the number that I think would be the number.

I opted not for 22.  I just wanted enough to sleep for most of the day.

I figured THAT range would be more than 1 less than 10 –  like sleep for the day and maybe the rest of April, but wake up refreshed, or at least not crying.

Kennith had the kids with him.

I lay on my bed curled up in a ball.

I cried like I have not cried since that time I fell whilst roller-skating and broke my coccyx. And then realised I still had to get off my sorry arse and roller-skate the rest of the way home.

Do you know how much fun roller skating is when you have a broken coccyx.  Not as much as you would think.

That kind of cry.

I would swap a broken coccyx for the way I feel right now.

I cried so hard my eyes looked not dissimilar to sheep’s vaginas.  I will be honest and tell you I have not really looked at a sheep’s vagina, but I just have this picture.

And my eyes sort of filled the mental picture I had created of a sheep hoo-ha.

The humour, or the part that is slightly funny, is that I didn’t sleep.  I dozed for a bit.

I did not sleep last night. I did not sleep this morning.  I have not slept since Monday night.

I have ingested two week’s worth of sleeping tablets and I did not go to sleep.  Do you think LIFE is laughing right now?

Or possibly I misread the box, and I took two weeks’ worth of diarrhea medication.  My eyes were red and very swollen, it could have happened.

I hope someone is laughing, because we know it is not me.

I did some more crying last night, and usually crying makes me very tired.

I had to do it (cry) quietly into my pillow as I had two kids sleeping in my bed, and a dog.

This morning dawned and I put my big girl panties on, showered, brushed teeth, attempted to arrange my hair around my now swollen face, dropped kids off and then drove to work.

I am attempting to not cry at work — well I can cry, but only when I know no one is looking.   I am moving between no mascara and panda-eyes.

How much can one person cry?  Is there a number?  Is there a liters per capita?  Is there a point where your fucking tear ducts just burst into flames?

Yeah, so anyway, in answer to the previous question no, I am not fucking fine.

Next person who asks gets punched in the vagina.

 

{this post is not a cry for help —– it is just a cry}

 

 

 

 

 

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9 Comments

  1. Vannessa

     /  May 13, 2014

    Sending you big hugs {{{}}} (I hope I wasn’t sending you a vag, I never know what is the sign for it but apparently something like that, anyway feel free to punch it if it is).

    I’ve also been at the point of wondering how many tears one person could possibly have. The good news is they will dry up eventually but only when they have served their purpose. xxx

    Reply
  2. ailsaloudon

     /  May 5, 2014

    I just want to mother you – hold you in my arms and let you cry. I know how much you are hurting – or nearly know.

    I have a stash of pills for my exit day but I don’t have young children. When I was going through the discovery of my cheating now ex husband, I promised my adult, unemployed son that I would not take the (NO IT ISN”T EASY) easy way out. I am obviously still around but when the maintenance stops and I have nowhere to go – the stash is there.

    I twice took overdoses when I was in my 20’s and broke up with a fiancee – I slept well for a few days but woke up and the problems and sorrows were still there to be faced. I went on to have a husband and family

    What you are going through is full blown grief – the death of your marriage. Reach out to your therapist – I didn’t with mine (the Dr. D. when I was in Tara) when I took my second overdose. Don’t even think of pills – always remind yourself of what it would do to your kids.

    REACH OUT. It isn’t easy. Live for the day when you fall in love with a better man and wonder why you overlooked all the flaws in your ex – and privately thumb your nose at him!

    Reply
  3. No, you’re not effing okay and you possibly won’t be for a while yet…but one day you will be. I know because I’ve been there too and it’s effing horrible.
    Most of all….be kind to yourself in all the little things. It helps. Really. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Cry. For hell sakes, you need it. Don’t let it envelop you and take you down forever, but simmer in it and feel all the shit you’re going through. You can be broken for a bit. Then you stand up and knock shot outta the way, because you’ll be back. It’s evolution, my dear. And you will rise again 🙂

    Reply
  5. Katherine

     /  April 22, 2014

    I know it’s not a cry for help…but – don’t get cross, you do sound slightly unstable, and this is coming from someone who has had a spell in Crescent clinic and takes brain medicine daily.

    The one thing I know is this – is that when I get thoughts like you’ve been having – even those idle ones (I too contemplate the contents of the medicine box), I know I should phone my psychiatrist immediately and see if my dosage needs to be tweaked.

    People will say this is a normal response to an incredibly upsetting situation, and I agree, but the second you have suicidal thoughts you have stepped a bit outside the bounds of a reasonable reaction.

    So maybe a call to the doctor, if possible a sick or compassionate leave day, an extra session with the psychologist, or all of the above?

    I am so sorry you are going through all this.

    Reply
  6. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  April 22, 2014

    Is it ok if I say that I did laugh…at this post…as your description of what you’re going through and not at the actual situation?
    Celeste, there are so many clichés we could all spew at you right now, but none of them will be of any help so I will refrain.
    You know, that break with reality was bound to happen and perhaps it’s a good thing? You couldn’t possibly end a 20 year relationship being “fine” so perhaps this expression of heartbreak is good? Part of the process? A natural and dare I say it, healthy, reaction to what is happening to you?
    xx

    Reply
  7. Cindy Lawrence

     /  April 22, 2014

    I have nothing to comfort you….but only that at some point the tears EVENTUALLY get a little less. ((())) That’s my virtual hug to you, even though I know it does nothing to stop the tears.

    Reply
  8. Ahh Celeste, so pleased I never emailed you to ask how you are? I wanted to though, but my instincts stopped me. So pleased I avoided being punched in the V.A.G.

    You truly have an uncanny knack of finding humour in a desperate situation. I apologise most profusely, but you made me laugh despite your sadness and “And then I had a poes collapse.” I’m not laughing at your situation but rather your description of it. You are SUCH a talented person. I just pray that you never stop writing, ‘coz girl, it’s your thaaaang!

    I hope I don’t come across as being flippant at your situation…because I truly wish the best for you and thank you for your honesty.

    Reply
  9. mstaralaing

     /  April 22, 2014

    Just loved reading about your honesty. Most of the time no one is fine when they are asked “are you okay?”.

    Reply

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