Puts hand up and waves …..

I really have been unable to blog as of late.

There is just too much going on in my head to find the one thread of sense to put a blog post together.

Instead I have been journalling like a mad woman.  Furious writing.  Thoughts.  Emotional vomiting.  Stuff and things.  Just trying to work it all through in my head.

It is more doodling with letters than actual journaling, but my crazed notes are everywhere.  Random thoughts.

The post before last was a bit hectic – and I was really at what could easily be described as the lowest most painful place I have been to in quite some time.

I had my own concerns that I would not survive that day.  That week.

I am still feeling a bit shaky, and a bit uncertain.

I get up every day, go to work, attempt at being productive and try to be sociable as much as I can.  I try to give the impression that I am keeping my shit together — most days.

There are other days when I am feeling like I have got it together, and that I am better than okay.  That I might be alright.

But those are only on some days.

I have decided to return to cognitive behaviour therapist I saw about two years ago.

As much as I love the therapy that has you lying on the couch talking about about my mother and having the other person go “uuuhhhmmm” and “yes, I hear you” and “and how did that make you feel?” I got so much benefit from working with Dr J previously.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is such a powerful tool.

It has helped me immensely in the past, to try to move out of “catastrophe thinking” – it’s the thinking that no matter what happens or occurs, you start to think the worst is going to happen, and plan accordingly.

Great for the end of the world, not so much for every day thinking.

I have found that I tend to ruminate with something negative.

It runs through my head over and over again.  I relive the situation in every detail, over and over again.  Then I beat myself up about it over and over again.

CBT definitely gives me the tools to realise that my thinking (in some instances) is faulty and gives me the method of how to change that thought process.

By changing the way I think or process information, changes the way I feel about something, and has a natural knock on to change the way I behave and and and ….. I am simplifying it, but you sort of get the idea.

Not quite “think you are happy and then you are happy” stuff – but it helps me to crawl out of the constant negative and bad feelings that often overcome me.

Kennith and I have worked through all the details that are “the divorce” and at this stage paperwork gets sent to a lawyer who prepares them and as we have finalised and agreed on the details, it means that it goes through as an “uncontested divorce” – so that should not require too much energy.  And blood.  And tears.

This is me telling you I am alive.  I am okay.

I may not be 100% okay, but I am a little bit okay.

I have faith that I will heal.  I will be more than okay one day – and each day I feel a bit stronger, and I can glimpses of the me who I will be.

Long road still to travel — no doubt there will be a few rolls back down the hill, but there we go.  Moving forward.  Baby steps.

 

140520_Drowning-hands

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12 Comments

  1. Katherine

     /  May 22, 2014

    So pleased things are slowly slowly getting better for you. You’ve had a rough time!

    Reply
  2. you are so damn cool.

    Reply
  3. janefraser101

     /  May 21, 2014

    You can do this. You are doing it. You are ok. And I too think CBT is great.

    Have you watched this TED talk?

    “Body language affects how others see us, but it may also change how we see ourselves. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows how “power posing” — standing in a posture of confidence, even when we don’t feel confident — can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain, and might even have an impact on our chances for success.”

    Reply
  4. I am a long time reader of your blog, but I haven’t commented much in the past. I can only imagine how difficult this is……there are no words. I am glad that you are ok!

    Reply
  5. Getting the settlement sorted is a big step and helps with closure! It starts getting easier then.

    Reply
  6. It is more your attitude than anything else that will pull you through, so reading your post I am sure you’ll be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow or the day after, but sooner than you think. Just take it day by day… Strongs!

    Reply
  7. Glad to get some news. Good luck

    Reply
  8. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  May 20, 2014

    All the best Celeste!

    Reply
  9. Alexandra

     /  May 20, 2014

    Glad that you posted – I was worried about you. Glad that you are alive, okay on some days, going to see a different doctor…

    Hope that things only get better from here on.

    Reply
  10. Maryna

     /  May 20, 2014

    Jy is n yster! It will all be good…x

    Reply
  11. You are so brave Celeste! You are persevering and doing everything you can to help yourself. Wishing you all the best as you continue to heal!

    Reply
  12. Mary

     /  May 20, 2014

    Glad you are ok…ish…Hope it continues that way!
    Do you mind letting me know who your CBT therapist is? Have been looking for someone good…thanks!

    Reply

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