I really have been unable to blog as of late.
There is just too much going on in my head to find the one thread of sense to put a blog post together.
Instead I have been journalling like a mad woman. Furious writing. Thoughts. Emotional vomiting. Stuff and things. Just trying to work it all through in my head.
It is more doodling with letters than actual journaling, but my crazed notes are everywhere. Random thoughts.
The post before last was a bit hectic – and I was really at what could easily be described as the lowest most painful place I have been to in quite some time.
I had my own concerns that I would not survive that day. That week.
I am still feeling a bit shaky, and a bit uncertain.
I get up every day, go to work, attempt at being productive and try to be sociable as much as I can. I try to give the impression that I am keeping my shit together — most days.
There are other days when I am feeling like I have got it together, and that I am better than okay. That I might be alright.
But those are only on some days.
I have decided to return to cognitive behaviour therapist I saw about two years ago.
As much as I love the therapy that has you lying on the couch talking about about my mother and having the other person go “uuuhhhmmm” and “yes, I hear you” and “and how did that make you feel?” I got so much benefit from working with Dr J previously.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is such a powerful tool.
It has helped me immensely in the past, to try to move out of “catastrophe thinking” – it’s the thinking that no matter what happens or occurs, you start to think the worst is going to happen, and plan accordingly.
Great for the end of the world, not so much for every day thinking.
I have found that I tend to ruminate with something negative.
It runs through my head over and over again. I relive the situation in every detail, over and over again. Then I beat myself up about it over and over again.
CBT definitely gives me the tools to realise that my thinking (in some instances) is faulty and gives me the method of how to change that thought process.
By changing the way I think or process information, changes the way I feel about something, and has a natural knock on to change the way I behave and and and ….. I am simplifying it, but you sort of get the idea.
Not quite “think you are happy and then you are happy” stuff – but it helps me to crawl out of the constant negative and bad feelings that often overcome me.
Kennith and I have worked through all the details that are “the divorce” and at this stage paperwork gets sent to a lawyer who prepares them and as we have finalised and agreed on the details, it means that it goes through as an “uncontested divorce” – so that should not require too much energy. And blood. And tears.
This is me telling you I am alive. I am okay.
I may not be 100% okay, but I am a little bit okay.
I have faith that I will heal. I will be more than okay one day – and each day I feel a bit stronger, and I can glimpses of the me who I will be.
Long road still to travel — no doubt there will be a few rolls back down the hill, but there we go. Moving forward. Baby steps.