Time to return the Mother’s Day gifts —- because you are just being a kak mother.

140601_the-scream

 

Any prizes I may have gained for parenting were withdrawn today.

My first mistake was deciding to go to Canal Walk.  On the last day (or there abouts) of the month.

The second mistake was deciding to go to Canal Walk with three children, un-medicated. Both the children and me were un-medicated.

It seemed like a good idea.  I have realised that just because an idea is mine does not make it a good one.  A good lesson to learn.

I had to get Connor a hair cut.  I needed to do some errands, grab invitations for Georgia’s party and what ever else you leave on your list of shit to do for a Sunday afternoon.

I really should have seen the signs.

1.  The girls were acting as if they were on LSD.  They were wired, hyped, and made me really rethink better contraceptives next time.

2.  It was Sunday, I really should have been lying on the couch.

3.  There were three of them, and only one of me.  I was outnumbered.

4.  The girls had slowly been wearing me down since about 06h00.  I was frayed and feeling very interested in boarding schools for primary school children – I could deliver them as a set.

Anyway, we all got in the car.  Before I had even closed the doors, I knew that this was already just one of those days.

Isabelle insisted that she go back in the house to get her sunglasses.  Just to regroup here — she is 4, it was overcast and raining.  She is hardly having to hide from the paparazzi as we reverse out our drive way.

I usually do not give in — I have lines drawn in the sand.

Eventually I screamed YES, JUST GO IN THE HOUSE AND GET YOUR SUN GLASSES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD …… I may have said fuck under my breath several times.  I also rested my head on the steering wheel and asked all the powers that be, to make this day fast, quick and pain-free.

Isabelle and Georgia are equally skilled at being able to fight constantly, and at the same time create a united front against me to whine and just bitch until I give in.  To anything.

We were at Canal Walk for about 4 hours – it felt like 4 days.

I kept wondering how people manage to lose their kids so easily in malls.  I kept trying to lose them, they kept catching up.

I do think that Hansel and Gretel’s parents spoilt it for all of us — I mean they left their kids behind twice in the woods. Really twice.  If someone abandoned me twice, I would get the hint, and just go off and get a new set of parents, or something.

I could not lose the kids.  I could not kill them.  It was a very long 4 hours and change.

I will confess the low point was being in Woolworths and having three kids walking behind me in a slightly insane version of follow my leader.  At some point I ended up in the underwear section — as you do with three kids trailing behind you.

Just at that point where I picked up a pair of rather lacy black panties — a family of four stopped in front of me —- I could see them through the lace panties — and they said excitedly  “Hello!!!!!” I  thought it was a bit odd, I was in the underwear section.

It was Georgia’s best friend from school, the younger brother and the set of parents.

It really is difficult to flick a pair of black lace panties across Woolworths in a non-chalant manner and still regain sufficient dignity to carry on a conversation.

I however did manage.  I did not flick it far, it sort of landed between us —- on the floor.

The day continued along that theme, however just with less lace panty flicking going on.

I eventually threatened the girls when I arrived home with the one that you save for emergencies: “WHO EVER SCREAMS, SHOUTS OR FIGHTS, I DO NOT CARE WHO — MAKES EVERYONE GO TO BED —– DO NOT SCREAM UNLESS BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF AN ARTERY —- VEINS DO NOT COUNT!!!”

That was at 17h00.

I counted the minutes until 20h00 —- I miss the days when the kids could not tell time, and I used to lie to them about the time, so that I could send them to bed early.

Parenting tip : Do not teach your children to tell time.  Keep that one your little secret as long as you can.

 

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13 Comments

  1. LOL! Panty-Flicking! Ahahaha! Great post. I’ve been there, too. They didn’t land ‘between us’ though. lol!

    The F-bombs.. Yup. I probably don’t drop F-bombs as much under my breath than over it.

    Reply
  2. And to think in six months I am going to have too…holy fark, how do you do it with THREE?!

    Reply
  3. Oh my goodness…. I want three kids *Reconsidering BIG time. I can barely handle one. Kudos to you for still making it home, never-mind to 8pm.

    Reply
  4. OMH I can’t find a share button to email this to people.
    I am laughing out loud here, with an office full of very somber, unhappy people, skulking passed my door as they glower at me.

    Reply
  5. Katherine

     /  June 4, 2014

    I once went to Canal Walk on a Saturday at the end of the month, only with two children, and with my husband in tow, and had such a meltdown (me, not the kids), that we had to abandon the mission after about an hour. So that you survived 4 hours with three children all by yourself is quite impressive. You deserve a medal. That place is enough to drive one to tears and to wine.

    Reply
  6. Thanks for that! A good laugh after a deliriously long day.

    Reply
  7. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  June 2, 2014

    Oh LOLZ about the brooks!

    Reply
  8. Charlotte

     /  June 2, 2014

    Thanks for my Monday-laugh-out-loud moment – oh, how I can relate to this blog post! Why is it that even when the signs are right there – shouting loud and long in our face – we refuse to pay them any attention…and still go out and take the kids with us?? 🙂

    Reply
  9. Fattie no more

     /  June 2, 2014

    Oh yes I laughed at this, though in December with ‘only’ 2 kids, 2 days before xmas I was in a similar situation and I actually broke down crying in the loo a few times and called my mom. I was in a different city and we thought it a good idea for hubby to drop me off with kids while he had a quick job to do….it turned into 5hrs. So bad my mom wanted to send my brother to drive the 4hrs to come and fetch me which I declined saying….I am sure hubby should be here any moment.

    Anyways, so I totally relate to this post…you had 3 kids….4hrs….*breathes in and out slowly*. I get heart palpitations thinking about this. You survived…hopefully you had wine on tap when you got home to help you get over this trauma!

    PS thanks for the time telling tip.

    Reply
    • Fattie no more

       /  June 2, 2014

      PSS This was on my birthday! Happy effing birthday to me….

      Reply
  10. Alexandra

     /  June 2, 2014

    In your worst moments you have me laughing, mostly because I so identify.

    Reply
  11. I still lie about the time. Damn those digital clocks, though.

    Reply

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