Facing your fear —- and property24 ……

I am often paralysed by my fears.

I come across as a reasonably confident, articulate and bright person.  The reality is that under it all, and not even that deeply under, I am a quivering mess robbing someone of their village idiot.

I try to give the impression of not being shy nor lacking in confidence.    The reality is that I am shy, lack courage, lack confidence and will gladly go and cry in a corner if something chips away at the outer shell.

My newest tactic is that I keep a facade going.  I do it pretty well, but it has it’s Achilles Heel and that is that the moment someone pokes a hole, even one tiny little hole into the outer wall, then the entire facade crumbles.

I have been building facades for so long, that I don’t know how to do it any other way.  Over the years, and with some really good therapy, I have definitely managed to become more of who I am, and less of who I feel I have to be.

It is a daily struggle, and reverting back to the knee jerk protective position, is firmly entrenched in my psyche.

Stupid things overwhelm me, whilst the big things I can often take in my stride.

I have been in quite a state regarding the idea of having to sell the home I live in at the moment.

I have not moved many times in my life, so the idea of putting all our possessions into boxes, and going to somewhere new scares the living crap out of me.

In my usual manner, I managed to create a catastrophic outcome.  I could only imagine how bad this will go,  how bad the outcome would be, and it was all pretty horrible.

My mental picture of where we would live, was not a good image.  It usually involved a one roomed flat in {enter as bad a suburb as you can think of}, with thin walls, a toilet we shared with the rest of the floor, and us all sleeping in one bed.  The kids would be lice ridden, we would not have TV, and I am almost sure the kids would need to walk the 9.6 km to school.

The more I thought about it, the more I created outcomes that were hideous.  None of my fears and imagined horrors have any foundation in reality.  This kind of mental losing-the-plot is never grounded in any sort of reality.

I dealt with it, by trying not to think about, which of course meant I thought about it all the time.  And the outcomes needed to get more horrific each time I gave the thoughts free reign.

I sat down with my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy guy and he asked what was worrying me the most.   I explained my real estate dilemma.

I explained what I thought, the way my mind was running and the fact that I was paralysed with fear.

We chatted and we worked through the reality versus the catastrophe thinking that I was presently running with.  CBT is not about just telling you to be happy, and then you are.

It is talking through a fear, understanding what you are scared of, then giving you realistic tools to assist you to see realistic outcomes.  Once you have a few of those tools, and you focus on the reality and not the catastrophe, your mind does start to go “oh, well that is not so bad …. is it?” and then it sort of calms the fuck down.

That last phrase is not a technical term, but you understand the gist.

At the end of the session he gave me some homework to do:-

1.  Speak to a bank official who deals with bonds, and get an idea of what you qualify for.  Once you know that it will assist you to know what you can afford, and where you can look.

2.  Look at the areas where you would like to live – that are not going to make you feel like you are disrupting the kids lives too much.

3.  Start looking at properties in the range of the bond you can afford, and get sense of what is out there – how big or small these homes are, and really what  so one.

All very logical things to do.

When your mind is so overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty, it is very hard to remain logical, and think through things in a rational manner, because your point of reference is fear.  Naked.  Sweaty. Ugly fear.

I left his office, and did the things he suggested I do — once I had some specific information and facts, the fear subsided.

None of this is a conclusion I could not have come to myself, but where I was in my head space was not going to “allow” me to be rational.

I no longer feel this overwhelming strangling fear that soon we will need to put the house on the market and move.   It does not make me happy, it does not fill me with joy.

I do still feel sad and scared, but it is not overwhelming.

I am not looking forward to anything in the process, nothing.  But now that I can replace the mental picture of chaos and end-of-the-world-as-we-know it, with something tangible, I am no longer that scared.

I can breath, and function.  Deep breath. Deep breath.  Reluctant Mom keep your shit together!!

 

everything-happens-reason-slap-someecards

 

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2 Comments

  1. Maryna

     /  June 12, 2014

    Love the post, your ex..donkeyball douche!!! You should not sit with this anguish though! Ag maak my so kwaad! Wish i could be your friend for reals! Sal saam jou n wyn drink… Love ya! Xxx

    Reply

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