And this is the exact reason why I’m not a Christian …. or at least one of them.

The folks over at Writers Bootcampza had a challenge today and it was – Topic for day 3 : One of my greatest fears

I really want to tell you that this is some stupid hoax — I really do, but it would seem not.

I have several fears, many of them irrational, many of them keep me awake at night.

Finding this sort of stuff makes me really afraid.

I am afraid for parents who parent using an anti-masturbation cross, I am afraid for children who grow up in these homes.  Their sense of self must be so corrupted.  They must feel they are dirty and evil and bad.  At their core.

One of my greatest fears is that as a society we fuck up our children.  You do not get a do over with kids — you fuck them up, they become fucked up adults.  Sure fucked up adults often can sort them selves iout, but it is difficult, and if you are so fucked up — well then you die fucked up, usually early, and usually in a rather dramatic manner, and possibly taking a few other people with you.

I do think parenting has come full circle. Right now as parents we have lost the plot a little bit.

We have forgotten what good parenting is.  We have forgotten the value of teaching our children morals, and that life is not always fun.  We are teaching our children that they can get prizes for anything, no matter how average they are, they will get a prize.  No matter how badly they behave they will get what they throw a tantrum about.

We are teaching our children that sex and what is natural to our bodies is bad.  Is evil.

A lot of parents I know just cannot bear to talk to their children about sex.  The simple angle is if you aren’t talking to your child about sex, then who is??

If you aren’t talking to your child – best to really hope this well meaning group is not.  To refer to masturbation as self-rape is a bit of a stretch, and really creates an impression that exploring your own body is evil and a violation.

I cannot imagine tying my 5 year old up in this contraption because I find her with her hands in her pants.  Really!!  I must punish her for exploring her own body.  So to make it clear — we put kids in velcro crosses for touching genitals? Can we also velcro cross them if they rub their ears?  I believe that feet are very sensual — should I velcro my child if she rubs her feet.

Or are we only focussed on the genital area.  Is the anus included —- or are we going off the reservation a bit there?

Who the hell comes up with this shit?




Parents, have you ever imagined your child masturbating? Do you worry what they do when your back is turned? Do you fear that they will fall into the grip of Satan?

Worry no more! Introducing the Anti-Masturbation Cross®! Designed by STOP Masturbation NOW engineers, this wondrous restraining device allows you to go about your day without the nagging suspicion that your offspring are treating their bodies like some kind of perverted amusement park.

Now discounted at $199.99, this miracle of modern Christian science is available at
One size fits all, appropriate for children ages 5-16.


This sort of shit scares the bejesus out of me.

What sort of message is your child taking with them if every time they think about self exploration they can velcro’d into a cross??

Spiders scare me.   Stupid people who breed scare me.  But this, this stuff scares me on a very elementary level.


Leave a comment


  1. Red

     /  August 21, 2014

    As far as I can tell, the whole thing is a hoax. It is accompanied by a website so stupid that it really has to be a hoax. The proprietor of the site is supposedly one Lonnie Childs, whose Facebook page, Brother Lonnie’s University of Faith Facts (BLUFF), is filled with all kinds of absurdist imagery that appears to satirize extreme right-wing fundamentalism. The “Lonnie Childs Clinic” website, meanwhile, seems to border on porno.

    I wonder if Joey Skaggs or somebody similar is behind this.

  2. Sanet

     /  July 3, 2014

    This is not Christianity . This is some “agter-die-klip” fanatical cult group dragging their own Freudish ( Freudian? ) repressed issues out into the open. In the name of whatever suits them. In this case they’re abusing the term “Christian.”
    Steer clear. Avoid. Ignore. As with all things fanatical.
    I’m a Christian and the real message of my faith is based on honoring creation of which the body is a miraculous part.

  3. I am a Christian and the idea of this contraption freaks me out as much as it does you. Not all churches teach that sex and masturbation is evil – mine certainly doesn’t. A large portion of our premarriage counselling had to do with our sensuality and why sex is good and we were created to enjoy it.

    So, yes, I understand there are some nutjobs out there preaching the Gospel According to Psycho – but please don’t paint us all with the same brush.

    • countesskaz

       /  July 3, 2014

      I agree

    • Hilary

       /  July 3, 2014

      I agree. I’m a proud Christian and I am speechless. Hoax or not – please don’t give the crazy’s any ideas! Bloody scary to think there’s supporters for this kind of crap.

  4. Celeste, I’m so glad you’ve posted this picture because I’ve seen it flitting about Instagram etc. I agree with most of the stuff you said…however……and a BIG HowEVER here…

    .My Molly is 8 and cerebral palsy and has been going through an exploratory stage for months (I’m too ashamed to say years) now. Especially when we drive. Her hands are constantly down there. And sometimes for good measure she grunts. The first few times were acceptable but seriously? it just goes on and on. and on and on and on.

    One can’t reason with her,so we resort to gently flicking her hands. Because….at the end of the day I choose not to let my kids masturbate in public as its socially unacceptable.It drives John and I nuts. Completely. So forgive me if I see this contraption from a different view point.

    I don’t agree with what it stands for but on the practical side…..I’m wondering where I could buy one. 🙂

  5. Kennith

     /  July 3, 2014

    Let’s see how you feel about this when you walk in on Connor sorting himself out…lol…

  6. Luckily, it is a hoax ( but that does not deter from the fact that there are hundreds of ‘Christians’ sharing this and encouraging and supporting it. That is what is effing scary. The fact that people would support it if it were real.

  7. kate

     /  July 3, 2014

    this is a joke surely?

  8. Jo

     /  July 3, 2014

    This strips my poes on so many levels! 1 St thing that came to mind when I saw this is how much it resembles the lethal injection bed!! Strap your child in an “anti masturbation cross” but fuck your neighbor! Idiots!

  9. Corrina

     /  July 3, 2014

    Phew…that scares me to my core. I simply cannot fathom someone abusing their child in such a way. Seriously… Who comes up with stuff like that? Sickos… Cult followers have serious issues indeed. I am so with you on this one!


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