Dating older men …. and them wanting to date younger women …..

funny-captain-dating-site

 

Part of setting up a profile for yourself on any dating site is that you indicate your age, and you indicate the age range of a potential partner.

The site uses this as one facet to “match” you to potential partners.

There are load of other criteria:  religious beliefs, ethnicity, the colour of someone’s eyes, the colour of their hair, whether they have any hair, whether they have piercings or tattoos, whether they drink, whether they smoke, the sort of job they do, their educational level, whether they attend church, whether they have dogs, whether they have brothers and sisters …. the list is pretty endless.

The idea is that the more specific information you supply, the less likely you are going to end up in chats with people who are so far out of your “acceptable range” that it will make you question humanity, and the dating site you are subscribed to.

Realistically the first search criteria are location, age, ethnicity, and belief system, and whether they drink.

I have connected weights to these and all the others that I have been given to select from.  If you say you do not want children, then you need to rate it according to “deal breaker” versus “well, let’s see where this conversation goes.”

A few days ago I was approached by someone older than me.

I glanced at his profile, and it was not so much the age that was an issue for me — but his series of photographs that not only left me going “what were you thinking?”  They immediately introduced me to someone that I probably would not gravitate to at a dinner table.

All the photographs appeared to be taken with a self timer — maybe not a well set self timer, which may explain his expression – but in more or less the same position in his lounge.

I was also led to believe that he owns white vests and black vests, and rugby shorts.

Without putting too much emphasis on how someone chooses to cloth themselves, I think it would make sense to say vests are not going to assist in moving this into any direction which may or may not result in a relationship of any kind.  A restraining order is probably more likely as the happy ending here.

The reason I am ambling through this post, is I replied to his first two messages and explained that the age gap was going to be an issue for me.  I wished him well for his day, and then got on with mine.

I try my utmost to be honest with people so that we both do not get emotionally invested in this process.  Possibly when I get a bit more jaded (which I am on the cusp of doing) I will just push delete and not respond at all.

I received quite an extensive response from R. and he explained how society creates these scripts we follow with regards to age, and that meeting and connecting with someone often has nothing to do with age.  Interesting people find each other interesting no matter how many birthdays they have had and so on.

I am paraphrasing, but that was the sense of it.

It was polite and well written,and pretty darn convincing.

By the end of it, I really started to think about the “ageism” I was practicing.  For a few moments I started to judge myself quite harshly for excluding this guy, because of his age.  And that is really bad of me.  Judgy.  And short sighted.

I had decided to say nothing about the photographs.  I had been shamed, and now I feel ashamed.

I  tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I thought let’s go read through his profile again, and just look at the rest and “ignore” the age and the vests —- and that he is wearing “hooker” stockings in the one photograph, which was not taken at a party, but looks like he was alone in his lounge.  Again.  Like the others.  That besides.

Keep an open mind I said.

I read through his profile again.  Here was the part where I thought —– interesting.  He is 55.  His age range for potential people he wants to meet is 29 – 44 years old!

Well now, that is an interesting little age band for someone who has no sense of age and how we are connected.

Seriously do I really really want to meet a guy who is 55 who has aspirations of dating a 29 year old girl.  And wears hooker stockings, with a vest and a rugby shorts in the privacy of his own home?

Probably not, so I am going to make a rash judgement here — PROFILE BLOCKED!

 

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10 Comments

  1. laurakim

     /  July 29, 2014

    Honestly online dating was the most fun I had dating! You get exposed to the most interesting of people🙂

    Reply
  2. I pride myself on being an undercover matchmaker. well….not so undercover.I have set up quiet a few successful couples together. First one was in his late 40’s with a friend in her late 30’s. They hit it off and have 2 kids. My latest success is my 39 year old single friend, I gave her number to my cousin in law (53 years Old). Big success. Just enjoying the togetherness so far and they’ve been together for about 4 months. But there were many exchanges of numbers with other people before they struck it lucky together. My point is…..twofold…..don’t be scared of men in their 50’s and don’t think you won’t strike out many times before you get it right. It’s a bitch out there. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t settle….

    None of my business but………..I think at this stage you need, either a FB (no, not facebook..a fuck buddy) OR a mate to hang out with. dinner, movies etc

    Celeste if I were single right now…this is what I’d do:
    1. Borrow, beg for money..however… and travel overseas. Enrich my soul and get a different viewpoint on life.
    2. Go to every Art Exhibition in the Greater Cape Town area.

    I think your change in life has been hectic this year and I’m not trivialising it.

    I admire your resilience and your outlook.

    Reply
  3. janefraser101

     /  July 29, 2014

    I ‘did’ the dating site thing a bit on the first year or 2 after my divorce, and must admit I made some cool friends, and had a couple of nice (albeit not very long lived) relationships along the way, so it’s not all bad. But after going back a few times over a few years I was struck by just how many of those guys are on their permanently and never move on, and just how commoditised it all is. I eventually decided I no longer wanted to be seen as a disposable grocery item on a shelf and gave up. And while there ARE some good decent guys on there, there are a lot of (quite often blatantly) dodgy ones. I started out REALLY polite and responsive and eventually decided to only respond to people who came across as decent.

    Reply
    • Thanks Jane —- the fact that people remain on it so long, is an observation a friend made a few years ago when she was on a dating site.

      Reply
  4. This guy sounds sketchy…thank goodness for the screening process.

    Reply
  5. You are a much better person than me. I set up a profile recently (I have been divorced for 6 years. SIX years.) and I am so alarmed at the inappropriateness of and flagrant disregard for my criteria that I never reply. I feel bad now. But still. One guy wanted him some side marital action, the other one..well lets just say his hobbies clashed with my sense of decency. Lets not pretend that we don make snap judgments about people every day. Just because they put themselves out there just gives you longer to wonder at the strangeness of it all before moving on. Thankfully, you saw that in a photo and not in the flesh. On the age note though. Whats the deal with the younger woman older guy nod of kudos, but the older woman younger guy issue gets its own ‘freak show’ on TLC? Really?

    Reply
    • There is a lot of strange —— I also look at it that there are a lot of nice people, who have the same morals and needs as you do — you do have to get passed all the strange to get to other side.

      I have been on several dates, and for the most part they have been really good, and with nice people. I may not necessarily embark on a relationship with all of them, but there are nice people that counter-act the weird ones sufficiently ……

      Reply

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