Yesterday I pop along to get a jab. The nurse looks at me and says “I can’t give you this injection if you are pregnant.”
I go: “Well I am not, so jab away.”
She says: “Yes, but how do I know that?”
I go: “I would know, I am not pregnant.”
She: “Sometimes people are pregnant and they do not know.”
I: “Yes, I am sure that happens, but this is not one of those times. I am not pregnant. It would take a miracle. Of the biblical variety.”
She: “Yes, but I don’t know that…”
I: “Listen, I seriously am not pregnant …. why are we even discussing this?”
She: “I need to be certain you are not pregnant….”
I: “So what is going to happen now?”
She: “Buy a pregnancy test, and bring it back to me — I will wait for you.”
I: “Really I must do a pregnancy test?”
She: “Yes, they are over there by the tampons and sanitary pads…”
I …. thinking really, this is happening. I go over and pick up a pee on a stick test.
I am feeling embarrassed to be standing holding a pregnancy test. Yes, I do realise how nonsensical my embarrassment is. But that doesn’t stop me somehow feeling embarrassed.
I purchase goods to the value of about R500.00 so I can hide the pregnancy test under them as I stand in the queue to pay for the pregnancy test and the other items which are only purchased to use to hide the pregnancy test. One of those items being sunblock. Another was a sponge.
I go and sit on a bench and think about how this process is making me feel.
First, the nurse person is being slightly pedantic, but clearly she has had an experience she does not wish to repeat.
I start thinking of all the pregnancy tests I have taken in my life – and the varying reaction to whether the test was positive or negative, and how each test had some emotional consequences to it.
Now the part to remember firmly here is that I AM NOT PREGNANT. It is just not in the realm of possibility.
I still start imagining what if I am, and then what. PLEASE JUST TO REITERATE THE FACT IS I AM NOT PREGNANT.
I continue to create various delusions of this “miracle pregnancy” which means by the time I actually get to the bathroom to pee on the stick, I have practically worked out children’s names, and whether I would put this baby up for adoption and the relationship I would forge with the prospective parents. You can see how far I have already stepped out over the edge of reason and logic at this point.
The three minutes I had to wait for the stripe or no stripe, was three more minutes of me escalating this delusion into full technicolour with sound, and even a theme song.
Christ-a-moley, of course the test was negative. I felt a bit forlorn that I would not have a child.
AGAIN AT NO POINT IN THIS WAS I EVER GOING TO BE PREGNANT.
The ability I possess for my imagination and delusions to run away with me, makes me realise why I should never be left alone on a bench. Or unmedicated. Or be allowed to listen to Kenny G.
Then I hit myself with the super sized toilet roll, and sprayed perfume in my eye just as a way to slap myself back to reality.
Good grief that was a very strange 10 minutes of my life.