I hereby pronounce you ….. divorced {throws confetti?}

141029_divorce

 

As you may or may not know, Kennith and I are going through a divorce process.  It has not been a horrible divorce, but it has been a divorce, and ending a relationship that has been in existence for the last 20 years.

We have three children,.  We have a shared life that overlaps in many aspects.

We have been in a relationship with each other for our entire adult lives.

Sitting and breaking that up into a spreadsheets and pieces is traumatic.

No matter how nicely you “play with others” and no matter how much you try your utmost to act like an adult, the process is really awful.

It is often not the big things that leave you bereft and licking your wounds, but the tiny almost insignificant things that you realise are actually pretty significant, that make you cry and sob.  I remember when Kennith was meant to collect the rug that is in our bedroom, I felt like if he took that rug I was going to break into a thousand pieces.

It’s a rug — it really has no sentimental value.  But when he arrived to collect it, I really felt this was the time when I was going to break.  {In the end he left it, because he could see I was upset…..}

The last ten months have had me work through every possibly emotion.  Which includes sadness, denial, pain, indecisiveness, happiness, relief, anxiety, euphoria, being numb, pain and despair, confusion, rejection, chicken licken’s fear of the sky falling, and any thing else you can add to the mix.

For the most part I have tried to appear composed and that I have my shit together.  I am not sure why it was important to look like I am keeping my shit together. I think possibly because I felt that if I started to slip, it would be all over and I would be a crumpled heap at the bottom of the white cliffs of Dover.

There have been several moments where I have felt like I had taken a walk over to the dark side.  That there was no way I could actually hold on to this little ledge of sanity that I am clinging to.

That feeling of panic and irrationality often pops up at the exact moment where I think I have got this all under control.  To remind me in no uncertain terms that I am actually a minefield of emotions right now, poor decisions and sometimes immense sadness, fear and self loathing.

I cannot imagine what my life is going to be moving forward.  I am stuck in looking back, and am struggling to lift my eyes up off the floor and really get a good look at the horizon.

I am scared.  I am afraid.  I am still a bit shell shocked to be honest.  I referred to Kennith as my husband the other day … then I just stood there and stopped speaking mid-conversation ….. because I was not sure what to say.

Kennith attended court last week – it was an uncontested divorce, so I did not have to go along.  Kennith let me know when he was at court, and then let me know when it was over.

Wednesday was a very surreal day.

I knew what was going to happen. I had participated in all the decisions and the processes, so I was well up to scratch on what was happening, the how, when and what.

When it happened, I really felt like I had been sucker punched.  Like something in me had just caved in.

Last Wednesday left me feeling sad, scared, with a sense of profound loss.  Twenty years and it was over.  Officially.

It is difficult to explain — it is difficult to articulate.  Last Wednesday was an important milestone in my journey of life.  I am not sure yet whether it was a good milestone, a bad milestone or just a milestone.

 

Quotes about life and maybe a bit about divorce, that resonated with me:

 

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And the two I liked the most

 

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Leave a comment

10 Comments

  1. Pamela Dupont (Wallace)

     /  July 30, 2015

    Thank you for your insight. As someone who is in the center of a crumbling relationship it helps to know I am not alone in my constant misery. Being shell shocked speaks loudly to me. I hope your journey ends with you in happiness and bliss.

    Reply
  2. deanna

     /  November 6, 2014

    Good luck moving forward. I hope you’re happier in the end. Thanks for sharing

    Reply
  3. Great quotes!
    It gets better day by day! I know as well how it feels!
    Keep on living the days, and the quotes will become true!
    Best wishes!

    Reply
  4. Hang in there! At least the period of in limbo is over.

    Reply
  5. Alexandra

     /  October 30, 2014

    When my sister got divorced we took her out for dinner to mark the occasion. I hope you at least had a big glass of Chenin Blanc on Wednesday.

    Reply
  6. Jenny

     /  October 30, 2014

    Just get through one day at a time and yes, before too long you will look back at it and remember rather than feel how much it hurt you. So sorry that your marriage imploded C. It’s pretty shitty. xx

    Reply
  7. I have no idea what it feels like, but I do believe every word of what you’re saying. Sending you love and healing light xxx

    Reply
  8. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  October 29, 2014

    Getting divorce is hard. I know. And it takes a long time to recover from. But you will, in time. Hang in there! xx

    Reply
  9. phew. deep. One of those helpless situations where can only stand on the sidelines as an observer and not be any help at all. Proud of you… for your endurance.

    Reply
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