I don’t like making plans …..

141126_premeditated

Is it me or do things just feel a bit f*cked up as of late … ?

Apologise if you have been “double clicking” on this site and wondering why it does not refresh with a new blog post.

Yes, about that.

I have had so much in my head, but really have sat here rather wordless and unable to get anything to fall out of my mouth or head that makes any sense, or could be construed as vaguely nonsensical, so there has just been no blogging going on.

My head, it is safe to say, is a bit of a mucked up place right now.  Four seasons in a day ….. or something of that nature.

I read this post by Laura over at Harrassed Mom earlier this week about perspective, and how we get swept up in all our kak, and often we are unable to look around and really appreciate what we have, or where we are in our lives.

{puts up hand to indicate guilt}

This post really struck a nerve with me — especially when Laura listed all the “not so great things” that she sees, and then she compares them with her home situation and goes “actually my shit ain’t so bad …..”

{I am ad libbing but you get the idea right?}

I hate this time of year – so much to do, and try to finish, and there just not seem to be enough time in the day.   And enough money in the bank or my wallet.

I am not a fan of Xmas in a good year — there is just a lot of pressure to be happy, joyful and think appreciative thoughts.  And say “ho ho ho” and then there is Boney M and “The Little Drummer Boy” playing ….. and that scary sensation that sooner or later you are going to hear Mariah Carey doing a song, about Xmas or some shit.

I will happily do Boney before I do Mariah.  And I mean that in all the ways that that sentence could be interpreted.

This year is my first Xmas AD *after divorce* and well it is a bit uncertain, and it is making me feel weird, and strange, and quite stressed.

I am sure it will be fine.

I am sure it will not be too weird, but it will be a bit weird, but this is life.  I need to get my big girl panties on, possibly by stained, but still well fitting bra, and just get my shit together.

Kennith and I need to work out where the kids will be, who will have them for Xmas eve and who will have them for Xmas day …… and then there is the fucking Xmas tree to put up.

That is traditionally Kennith’s job —- to be honest, I am not sure who got the existing tree in the divorce settlement, it might actually not be an issue, because it might be up at Kennith’s house.

See the stuff that runs in my head?  The way I solve it is just not to go and look for the tree …..I just delay going to figure out if is it there or not.  All pretty helpful and possibly not so sane.

Okay, back to Laura and her well timed and well written post.

I really would like to ignore the mounting bills, the financial uncertainty.  The odd summons for late payment and the other things that are going on that probably are really not a big deal in the greater scheme of things, but impact my life and day in a rather profound and deeply unsettling and stressful manner.

I would like to take my stuff that seems to big to me, but really is just a tiny inconsequential blip on the greater scheme of things.

Today for a few hours,  my attention was well and truly diverted as I considered a few things happening not to far from where any of us live.

This morning I woke up to three stories — they made me step back and rethink that no matter how complicated, a bit screwed up and maybe not quite the picture of normality my life is …. maybe, just maybe it is not so bad.

{look at me and my shiny optimistic fucking attitude…}

There are three families out in the world who have far more to deal with than I could ever begin to grasp, understand or appreciate.

No matter how I try to paint my day as being difficult, challenging and sometimes worthy of an afternoon lie down.  On the floor.  Behind the door.  Clutching a make-do Linus blanket.

It does not even begin to hold a candle to what other people are going through.

Lisa-Marie Watling lost her husband, Travers, this week.  Suddenly, without warning.  Her life changed for ever as the love of her life was ripped from her.  It has been all over Facebook and social media.  I think that there are hundreds if not thousands of people who collectively shed a tear, and felt such a weight of sadness. loss, shock, and a thousand other painful emotions for Lisa-Marie and her Isabella.  The world became a significantly sadder place this week.  Nothing I can say can even hint or fully comprehending what Lisa-Marie must be feeling.  How does one “get over this” without shaking your fist to the sky and screaming all sorts of obscenities?

No, I don’t know either.

Today on KFM, on the Grant a Wish segment there was a story about Caitlin, who had drowned in her family’s pool about 5 weeks ago.  A tragic accident.

We all know how difficult it is to come to terms with a sudden accident… especially when it involves a child. Madeline wrote to us about her friends Traci and Justin, and their 22 month old daughter Caitlin. Last month, Caitlin managed to venture out of the house on her own… and fell into the swimming pool at their home. Traci, her husband and her mom were inside the house at the time. When they found Caitlin, she hadn’t been breathing for 7 minutes. Caitlin’s father Justin managed to resuscitate her, and rushed to Hospital. Caitlin was put into an induced coma for a week – before doctors gradually brought her out of the coma so that they could assess the damage. The damage on Caitlin’s brain is irreparable… Earlier this month Caitlin underwent her 1st operation to insert a tube into her stomach to feed her. On top of this, she still faces months in a rehabilitation centre. Medical bills are piling up for the treatment… and on top of this Caitlin now needs a special chair so that they can move her around. She has lost all her movement… and can’t even lift head.

I listened to the story and wept as I drove.

As parents we are constantly vigilant, and always trying to ensure our children’s safety.  As a parent, can I say that I have not taken my eye off the ball, for what ever reason, for 10 minutes or more?  No.

Traci and Justin, and Caitlin’s lives have changed in an instant. In an instant.  How is that right?

How does that make sense?

Earlier today I read the newspaper and sort of skimmed over what is happening in the world.

6 year old girl was discovered being raped by a 13 year old boy. A close family friend.  It appears this has been going on for some time. George has been arrested.  6 year old girl is upset because she can’t understand why George has been taken away – she things she is his girlfriend.  Where where where on this greenish blue earth can you begin to understand what happened in that home.

How it happened, why it happened, and how this family and this 6 year old girl will ever live a “normal” life after this.  The girl is also now HIV positive ….. anyone want to explain to me how this is all part of a plan, some great mystical plan that makes sense, or is for the best or part of something we mere mortals don’t understand ……

Anyone?

I know there must be a thousand other stories that happened this week – but these are the three that reminded me that “no matter how smelly your shit is, when that shit is put in a brown bag and thrown in the air, you want to pray to catch your own shit and not anyone else’s when those bags fall down again” ……. granted not quite Chinese Proverb stuff, but still rather apt and wise.

Is it me or do things just feel a bit fucked up as of late …?

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On a non related note, Georgia held a sea shell up to her ear today and said “I can hear an owl….” {still not the strangest thing she has said today}

Maybe princes shouldn’t kiss dead girls in the forest ……. just saying

maleficent

 

This evening I was watching a trailer for Maleficent.  Georgia had seen it already and I needed to remind her that she mustn’t spoil the story for me, as I had not watched it as yet.

Georgia told me that her favourite princess was Rapunzel (both share hair of a ridiculous length) and that Sleeping Beauty came in a close second.

I looked at Georgia and felt the overwhelming urge to remind her that “she did not have to be saved by a Prince….”

She is clever enough, strong enough and street smart enough to save herself, and get herself out of nearly any situation by using her smarts.

A prince on a white horse was not needed.

She nodded and still stared glazed eyed at the images on the screen.

I decided to not let this moment pass.  I reminded her that wasn’t she the best at Math in her standard – wasn’t she the cleverest and most creative girl we knew?

Wasn’t she brave and determined enough to get herself out of nearly any situation, without the aid of a prince.  On a horse.  Who needed to stop by and kiss dead girls in the forest?

A guy who  would make life altering decisions based on whether a shoe fitted someone?   Because he seemed to be unable to recognise the women he spent a few hours dancing with.

I am not anti fairy tales, I love the whimsy and the total abandon.

I am however aware that every fairy tale has a princess, or fair maiden waiting for a prince to rescue them.

I think it would be great for a prince or princess to rescue any of my girls if they were in a predicament.  My sense seems to revolt at the point where as girls, they are cast as the damsel in distress, and they need to have a prince to rescue them.

I know it is a silly and probably irrelevant differentiation, but I want my girls to grow up knowing, and believing they are capable of anything.

Even rescuing a prince who happened to have his finger pricked on a sewing needle.

Alternatively questioning a prince who would ride past and kiss a girl who for all intense purposes who seemed to be dead.

A prince who can’t recall a visual nor the name of the person he had danced with the night before.

These are princes who you do not actually want to mix any DNA with.

Happily ever after is a challenge.  At best choose a prince who can do facial recognition, does not want t to kiss every dead girl he rides past, and most importantly appears to have some sort of an income where he is not dependent on his parents.

Otherwise, as you were.