Oh for fox sake …..

I have really been struggling to sit down and compose a blog post that I actually publish.

I have written dozens of “almost posts” and jotted down all sorts of shit and stuff — but I have not got to the point where I feel comfortable to post anything.

There is a lot of things running around in my head at the moment.

To be blatantly honest most of the things that are creating noise is me trying to adjust to this new life being a “divorced person” in a relationship that is over, and all the fine details hat comes along with that.

Getting divorced is pretty easy.

Being divorced is a bit of a fucking dog show, without the dogs, but with all the shit left on the field.

In the bigger picture I have been struggling with what I can talk about publicly and what I should hold close to my chest.

I am not a big fan of airing dirty laundry, and there is seldom a way to do it in a healthy manner.

At the moment I feel quite raw, exposed and vulnerable.  All the usual bravado that I try to wear as a protection is seriously dented and lacking.

I keep thinking okay I will write about “that” and then when I start to jot down some words, and those words form sentences, and now and then paragraphs, then I look at it and go “no, I can’t put that out there….”

Then I sit there quietly as the inside of me is this bubbling chaotic space, and my mind feels like it is being knocked around inside my skull.

The part I used to love about blogging – is now the thing I am struggling to remain true to.  I have always believed that you should blog what you feel, blog what you think — what you really think — blog with honesty and integrity – ignore who you think may read your posts.

I do not blog for the people who read my blog, that has always been a slippery slope to venture along.  I prefer to blog and ignore who may or may not read it.

It sounds selfish, but for me it is the backbone of what I love about blogging.  And what I love about reading some bloggers work.  Honesty, and blogging for the sake of writing what is running around inside your head.

Today was a difficult day.  I felt really gutted today. I felt a bit beaten up.

I felt a bit like life had taken me by the gonads (yes I imagine I might have them on some days) and swung me around so that my head kept hitting the wall of the very small square imaginary room I felt I was in.

It’s 12:10 am, the day is at it’s end.  Thank fuck!!!

I have spent the better part of the last 5 hours covering school books.  That wasn’t the reason for the stress, and mental confusion – it was actually the task that kept me focussed and prevented me “going off the deep end.”

I took some time out and went to sit outside – it is a lovely evening weather wise, and stared up at the stars, sipped my wine and thought duckety fuck, duckety fucking fuck!!!

Then I stood up, brushed some of the dirt off my pants, and thought “bitch, get your shit together, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, you do not need this level of kak …. and you need to go and pour yourself some more wine, because you have bought some crazy arse beautiful wine glasses …..”

And then I said “fuck yes!”

oh for fox

 

 

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8 Comments

  1. Thank you for writing this SUPER honest and open post, I’ve had it favourited for a while but have not gotten around to reading it until now, and it was at just the right time!

    Reply
  2. Agree with the others. I suppose one needs to think of the possibility of kids and family reading your blog at some stage. Sometimes it’s better to have a private blog which only some people can see but where do you draw the line and how do you know someone hasn’t gotten around it. All that being said, I have missed your blog updates. Sorry things have been so kak.

    Reply
  3. Alexandra

     /  January 27, 2015

    Missed you.

    Here’s to beautiful wine glasses!

    Reply
  4. I’ve been there, right there where you are now, and it sucks beyond sucking. But its also OK for you to feel this way. My first blog way back when was supposed to be a way for me to keep record my sons life… it turned into a cesspool during my divorce and the months that followed (I was soooo bitter). My advice to you is create a second blog, a safe place for you to vent and air all the laundry you want to air.

    Reply
  5. Agree with Vanessa completely. I didn’t start blogging while i was deep in the shit. Keep writing. Keep the intense ones in draft form. Or mark them private. Write and process. And watch out for dog shit! 😊

    Reply
  6. Vanessa D.

     /  January 26, 2015

    Reading this and putting myself back to the days I was first divorced makes me kind of grateful I didn’t blog then. I wouldn’t really care to read the level of vitriol that often spilled from my mouth, it was a chaotic and angry period in my life. I will say that even if you hit delete after writing it instead of publish – sometimes the writing brings clarity.

    Reply

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