I have really been struggling to sit down and compose a blog post that I actually publish.
I have written dozens of “almost posts” and jotted down all sorts of shit and stuff — but I have not got to the point where I feel comfortable to post anything.
There is a lot of things running around in my head at the moment.
To be blatantly honest most of the things that are creating noise is me trying to adjust to this new life being a “divorced person” in a relationship that is over, and all the fine details hat comes along with that.
Getting divorced is pretty easy.
Being divorced is a bit of a fucking dog show, without the dogs, but with all the shit left on the field.
In the bigger picture I have been struggling with what I can talk about publicly and what I should hold close to my chest.
I am not a big fan of airing dirty laundry, and there is seldom a way to do it in a healthy manner.
At the moment I feel quite raw, exposed and vulnerable. All the usual bravado that I try to wear as a protection is seriously dented and lacking.
I keep thinking okay I will write about “that” and then when I start to jot down some words, and those words form sentences, and now and then paragraphs, then I look at it and go “no, I can’t put that out there….”
Then I sit there quietly as the inside of me is this bubbling chaotic space, and my mind feels like it is being knocked around inside my skull.
The part I used to love about blogging – is now the thing I am struggling to remain true to. I have always believed that you should blog what you feel, blog what you think — what you really think — blog with honesty and integrity – ignore who you think may read your posts.
I do not blog for the people who read my blog, that has always been a slippery slope to venture along. I prefer to blog and ignore who may or may not read it.
It sounds selfish, but for me it is the backbone of what I love about blogging. And what I love about reading some bloggers work. Honesty, and blogging for the sake of writing what is running around inside your head.
Today was a difficult day. I felt really gutted today. I felt a bit beaten up.
I felt a bit like life had taken me by the gonads (yes I imagine I might have them on some days) and swung me around so that my head kept hitting the wall of the very small square imaginary room I felt I was in.
It’s 12:10 am, the day is at it’s end. Thank fuck!!!
I have spent the better part of the last 5 hours covering school books. That wasn’t the reason for the stress, and mental confusion – it was actually the task that kept me focussed and prevented me “going off the deep end.”
I took some time out and went to sit outside – it is a lovely evening weather wise, and stared up at the stars, sipped my wine and thought duckety fuck, duckety fucking fuck!!!
Then I stood up, brushed some of the dirt off my pants, and thought “bitch, get your shit together, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, you do not need this level of kak …. and you need to go and pour yourself some more wine, because you have bought some crazy arse beautiful wine glasses …..”
And then I said “fuck yes!”