The upside of Divorce …… that no one tells you

There are few perks to divorce, but if you do not focus on them, and try and relish in the small thing, there is a good chance you might end up with a sawn off shot gun, and an alcohol binge session that is not going to end well for anyone at the post office.

So here is my non-comprehensive list of shit that is good after a divorce:

1.  You can use it to stop a “call centre” operator in their tracks.  I had a call yesterday from Old Mutual and an operator was trying to set up an appointment with a very nice financial planner, to plan my life.  I said “you know I am at the end stages of a massive divorce, right now I can’t plan for next week {I did make it slightly more dramatic than it is} ….. I really can’t do this right now.”  I could hear him flicking through the “cards to use to deal with difficult customers” and he came out with nothing.  He apologised, wished me well, we might even have held hands symbolically and sang kumba-ya-ma-lord for a few moments.

2. Twice the cupboard space.  Not something I really factored in at all.  I left K’s cupboards pretty much untouched for a month or two, and then I thought, hey wait a minute maybe we can put my jeans here, and my jackets here.  And then I pretty much took over all the cupboard space. It makes me smile nearly every morning to open all those cupboards.

3. I have access to the remote.  Now, I can’t quite explain this emotion. It still makes me choke up a bit.  Unless you have lived with a man, you do not realise that has a woman, you just do not get remote control benefits, and if you do, then what ever you select to watch is deemed as shit/junk/this crap again.

4.  This is also connected to the DSTV remote.  I change the sound on the DSTV remote.  The rule was we only change the sound on the TV remote and you will be cast into hell if you dare change the sound setting on the DSTV remote.  I now do it with reckless abandon.  It is still quite a heady experience.

5.  I get every second weekend off and one night a week.  Let me say that again, every second weekend, I have no kids, no responsibility and the same is repeated one night a week.  I love my kids, but holy shit balls I like them so much more now that I get a break from them.  It is creepily fantastic.  I know I should be lamenting how I miss them and how I can’t live without them, but I am too busy fiddling with the sound on the DSTV remote.

6.  Isabelle sleeps in my bed almost every night – Georgia sometimes comes along.  There is something delicious about that warm, moist and sweet smell of your children close by.

7.  It is such a relief to not find shoes fucking everywhere.  Everyone puts their shoes into cupboards.  I no longer have to pack shoes away.  I did all the options, leave the shoes out, and see if “all” the shoes will eventually be left randomly all over the floor, and throw a shit fit, and then do internal anger.  I tried it all.  It appears the only solution to the shoe issue is divorce.

8.  Every day —- every solitary day —- K either takes the kids to school or fetches them.  I don’t wish to mention that at one point he had no idea what school or grade the kids were in, but it helps to give a balanced view of how fantastic this present arrangement is.  It means on two days a week, I can get up at 08h00 if I want — and I always want.

There are lots of negatives.

There are lots of things that are still shit.  There are lots of things that feel like I am being punched in the diaphragm and vagina simultaneously, but there are some ups …… there are some things that still make me skip around the house like a lunatic in happiness.  You know some days you need to cling on to the slithers of happiness in the madness, or you will lose the plot.

And stand screaming on your drive way.  I choose to get excited about the remote and changing the sound, without any repercussions.

great loss

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9 Comments

  1. so lovely to read one of your posts again. You are So funny!!!

    Reply
  2. Heather

     /  April 30, 2015

    Can totally relate about the remote and the DSTV. These days I don’t even know how to operate it. But I suppose the perks of marriage outweigh that. I think that is something I would hang onto if I did get divorced, and getting rid of all his stuff!!!

    Reply
  3. I LOVE your list!! I started making lists yesterday about the positive side of divorce. I love my daughter too, but I love the time off. It definitely makes me a better mom. One more to add, if I want to eat cereal for dinner, then I can. Nobody is there to criticize my choice or force me to make them a proper meat and potatoes dinner. Positive thinking, it’s the best! Enjoy your divorce!!

    Reply
  4. Katrina

     /  April 29, 2015

    When my kids were little, I would often tell my husband that I would divorce him in a heartbeat if he promised to take the kids 50% of the time because the idea of sleep was so appealing. It is nice that married or single you can hit a cord in all of us because only mothers really understand the need for a break. Hope you have lots of breaks and good times in the future =)

    Reply
  5. The Blessed Barrenness

     /  April 29, 2015

    Dude! Where the hell have you been!
    And listen, point no. 5 might actually be worth it all! Like seriously, I’d consider a divorce for that time off..
    No not really! I mean, I’d love the time off but not the divorce part.
    Hang in there Celeste!

    Reply
  6. Colleen

     /  April 29, 2015

    AH Ive missed your blogs! My husband would be doing the happy dance about shoes! I’m the culprit here…😀

    Reply
  7. Coco

     /  April 29, 2015

    Hope you skip more and the punches get less or at least they hurt less.

    Reply
  8. I can do with that time off for myself! Honestly!

    Reply

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