I have really been struggling to blog.
Not because there is nothing going on worth blogging about, but because there is.
There is tons going on in the world worth commenting on, kids head to school tomorrow (every mom in the freaking world high fives the air right now!!)
I struggle to find the path of what I can blog about.
The demise of my marriage with Kennith is on my mind, we are divorced and dealing with all that comes along with that. There is often things I want to say, but for reasons that are purely my own I feel like my mouth is taped, and I can’t speak. I can. I just feel I can’t.
Stuff rattling in my head is not a good place for me to be.
My head is not a quiet space. My head is not a soothing space. That has always been why I blog, to get the shit out of my head, so my head can be a quiet place. Or at least have a semblance of what a quiet place might be like if everyone had their medication on time.
To be honest the constant ebb and flow of our divorce, and adjusting to life as two separate people with children we share, takes up quite a bit of my mind space.
We have made some decisions, which will change the landscape of our living and our children quite dramatically in the not too distant future.
It fills me with trepidation, and anxiety and I worry constantly whether this is a good decision. The decision came from me, and it was not a choice I made, it was a decision made out of necessity.
I cannot tell you the amount of sleepless nights I have had fretting about this and trying to turn this over in my mind and to find an alternate.
The alternates were not workable, and the decision I made feels like the “right decision” but at the same time it is not one that fills me with joy or happiness. I am stressed and strung out to the max, my nerves are frayed and I am having a hard time over here trying to look sane and composed. A hard fucking time.
I really would cry if I could – I just feel so pushed to the limit, that I feel if I cry then it will open an ocean of tears, and then I will not be able to function. And this decision is not about me anymore, it is about the kids and what will happen with them, and how we maintain a sense of calm, and ensure that they feel that “nothing changes.”
I sat and told someone close to me about what was happening and of all the reactions I felt were “okay I appreciate that is your thoughts on the matter” hearing: “you are abandoning your children…” has got to to be the one that cut me to the core — and I did not really have a suitable response for.
I went with” errr……” which seemed about the most appropriate thing I could manage at the time.
I really wish to spread happiness and unicorn farts, but seriously some days people can be a waste of skin.
I am not going to go into too much of the stuff and things right now. It is not an easy decision, it is not one I have made lightly, it is not one I relish.
It is not one I would do if there were other options —- its the decision you make as an adult when your back is against the wall, and there just is no other way.
So ….. I am busy doing that, and if my own flagellation is not enough, I have the echo of “you are abandoning your children” echoing in my head. Lovely.
Okay, so I am off to bed to stare at the ceiling a for a few hours, then fall asleep about an hour before I need to wake up. Happiness.
Image source: http://www.refinery29.com/2015/07/87447/photos-show-what-its-like-to-have-general-anxiety-disorder#slide-4