I realise I may well be playing the world’s smallest violin in this particular series of posts.
But dude, I need to get this shit out of my head.
Part of me has been unwilling to write/post about this because I am consumed with who reads this blog and what they will think.
I took that entire situation under advisement and I have come back with a resounding “yeah, fuck ’em …” this is my story.
I get to create the scenes and the characters, if you do not want to read it or disagree, then please sir, may I show you the door? Or the conveniently located “click away” button.
I may well regret things I say here today, later today or tomorrow morning. This is how I feel at the moment.
I have always used this blog as a place to put things.
That no longer belong in my head.
I do not do well with bottling things up inside of me. I can feel the cracks forming …. its time to just “blech” it here.
I realise that for some people who read this they are going to be thinking “Geez Louise that was ages ago, move on..” and that is fine for them to think. Totally fine.
Unfortunately in my head things move at a different pace and time, and right now I have a lot of stuff that needs to come out. I do not know how long I will need to “move on” and if my moving on appears too slow for your timetable, I wish to apologise that I cannot stick to your time table.
Not on this.
I am not planning on having a divorce pity party, but this shit has been simmering inside and it is starting to spill over the edges.
Today is one of the days I give in to this slimy shitty monster that seems to consume me on every level. One of my many problems is that I get stuck in the detail. A word, the way it is phrased, the way it is used. Cuts. Brutally.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Being divorced from.
I realise this is semantics. But semantics are important.
I did not do the divorcing. I did not agree with the divorcing. The divorcing was foisted on me.
I went through all the phases of denial, disbelief, cry to your mom on the phone, see if there is a chance that alcohol consumed in vast quantities will actually kill you, and every other way I thought could or would work to move into the acceptance mode and out of the “what the fuck just happened there?”
I was wrong. None of the other ideas worked when one of the parties has made a decision.
We are not talking about choosing a paint colour for the en-suite we are talking about dismantling a life of twenty years and change.
I am still not sure which was the part that cut me the deepest.
Actually I kn0w. I just like to appear deep and soulful as if I have to bring up the memory.
There was the”I want a divorce”
speech monologue, which actually did not have much in it, other than a killer fucking punch line.
Talk about stopping the world turning on it’s axis stuff.
Yes, very “show stopping” …. there was not too much in it of content. But when you have an opening line like that, everything else becomes unnecessary.
Once that sunk in I could literally feel my teeth aching individually in my gums.
I am not sure when the next “big” announcement arrived, and I really cannot recall the exact situation, but the main thrust of it was: “I wanted to ask for a divorce last year, but then you had that mix up with your medication, and I thought I would leave it to see how it went……”
The key line here that carries the punch is “I wanted to ask for a divorce last year………” sorry, what again?
So not only have I been rebounding for the last few days/weeks with your big announcement but now you tell me that you have been THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A FUCKING YEAR!!!
Listen I am seldom surprised.
The problem with anxiety disorder is that you are always thinking of every outcome and then every permutation, and then living through each of them. The result is when I see a kangaroo steal a banana from a flower seller, and hop over a fence, part of me is thinking, yep, I saw that happening.
BEING DIVORCED FROM is really no fucking picnic when it comes to processing the information and trying to deal with it, so your fucking head does not explode.
Let me tell you when your other half tells you that he has thinking about this for a year —- an entire fucking year — and then you add that to the reasons who your head could fucking pop, it is a wonder that you managed to actually survive that moment. Or that day. Or appear normal in front of the kids.
It was a devastating blow. I am not sure if it was meant to cripple and maim, but power to the people, that shit did massive massive damage.
I wonder about these things.
How someone feels when they drop a bomb, and whether they feel the same intensity of aftershock that you feel when you heard the information for the first time?
I must confess this particular “nugget” of : I was going to do this last year, but when the chemist fucked up your meds, I thought I would wait it out and see if you got any better to remain married to…… was quite a lot to take on board.
I can tell you there is just no way you can be prepared for the blast of that information.
There is just no way to cushion the impact, when you have already been beaten and fucking mauled.
I am not suggesting that it might have been best if he just kept that shit bag to himself, but I am suggesting that that piece of information did nothing for me what so ever.
I wasn’t like “well, its great you gave this another year buddy, thanks man …..” or any other similar thinking. I just kept going YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS A YEAR AGO ……. A FUCKING YEAR!!!! AGO!
I still use the label to describe myself “I was divorced from…” it conjures up a lot of emotion of not being good enough, not having worth, being the one that did something wrong, being the responsible party who could not hold this shit together.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Being divorced from.
I know it is not a helpful title, and I know that I should discard it and not give it any more power over me.
I know that.
I know. That.
I. Know. That.
It unfortunately does not stop it denting my self esteem, my sense of self and how I value and view myself. And having it run around in my head, bouncing off the edges – especially when I have suffered some emotional blow is debilitating.
I know it is not a helpful title.