I have written a few blogs about this, but have not posted them. I get distracted when the squirrel walks past.
I am starting to become aware that when a person has a child — through what ever route — somehow there is this perception that somehow they are terribly special. And their off spring is the most special in the universe.
Like not special-class special, but more “the Chosen One” special.
I drop Connor off at his school in the mornings – he is at Fairmont High School.
I have only good things to say about the school.
I drive him to school. Because he refuses to walk. I have tried to press him on the issue, then he starts using phrases like child abuse ….. and quoting the Childline number. I drop him at school and watch him walk through the school gate.
Once he is through the gate he is someone else’s problem. That people, is how parenting works.
You can imagine — if you can’t — try —big school, lots of kids. Most cars are dropping one child off — at most two, so there are a lot of cars moving through the gates from 06h45 – 07h50. It’s controlled chaos basically.
The school has various drop off points. You can drop your child off at one of the side gates, and the result is it reduces the congestion with everyone trying to enter the school.
Makes sense. It’s a really good system. Very easy to understand and follow.
At every drop off point there are red lines – clear red lines – so you know not to park OR STOP your car there. If you do it creates a situation where other cars cannot pass or see you or what ever. It’s a red line. IT’S A CLEAR RED LINE.
I don’t care if you only need a minute. It isn’t going to take a minute -it never does. More importantly when did your minute get more important than my minute??
Basic basic stuff. Red means no. When you see any other colours you can do anything you want to.When you see red with regards to road and traffic, it means no or stop. Or pull over we are going to be doing a breathalyzer.
Dropping off is simple. You drive up. Pull up close to the kerb where there is no red line.
Stop your car, put it in neutral, kick your offspring out the car.
He fumbles in the boot for his bag. He finally gets his shit together and as he walks past the passenger window he says something like “Bye mom” and every now and then I will scream out something like “I love you so much my boy — have a really lovely lovely day —- mommy loves you!!”
You know, anything to embarrass him. I like to keep it fresh so he never really knows what is coming. I like the fear in his eyes each morning.
I don’t do it every day — I save it for holidays and high days.
Anyway, yesterday — I drive up. (this happens almost every day, I am only blogging about it now, because though the diarrhea post I have is funnier, I am not going to put it up — I am trying to hold on to my dignity though it is a losing battle)
It’s a single road – so one lane up, one lane down, and the road has a right angle bend in it.
There is endless places you can drop your kid off without parking/stopping on the red line.
Sure, it means your butter ball might have to walk 20 meters, but you know I think they will live. These are high school kids, not infants — I think we can trust them to walk 20 meters without starting a meth lab, joining a cult or getting a tattoo.
I shit you not. One person in the up lane is parked/stopped on the red line whilst they are dropping off their overlord-and-master. Then there is another person in the down lane dropping off their own saviour-of-the-world, also parked/stopped on the red line.
The result is no one. NO. FUCKING. ONE. who is parked in the right place can go anywhere.
I am sitting in the middle of the road, whilst I am watching these shallow DNA pool swimmers dropping off their lucky sperm. Of course because they are kids (the ones going to the school not driving) they always take long, or drop something or what ever.
This is what kids do.
There the rest of us sit, and watch these two mother (literally) fuckers back up the entire road. In both directions. You know, because they just need a minute.
I try my very best to be patient with people, but fek me — even I have my limits.
I could totally understand if the drop off point was so congested you had to park 200km away.
Totally, got your back. Then you can put your stupid car anywhere. But no, there is actually a great deal of road without red lines. That is where the rest of us, with our the fruit or fruits of our loins/babies from various daddies/princes of Maine are stopping — if you looked up long enough from your self absorbed existence and noticed you might notice the mild irritation on our faces.
I know it is very hard to actually absorb your effect on other people when you are sitting next to the prince/princess/the chosen one. I get it — all that closeness to greatness can be a bit blinding.
Granted the PLEASE ONLY STOP HERE spots are not 20cm from the gate you want your little angel to walk through. I think they have legs for something or legs that work. Again, if you kid is in a wheel chair or in a full body brace I might go … okay maybe let’s let this one slide —- but then use the main gate, that has special parking parking for special people.
All these fuck-wits have to do is drive maybe 20 – 30 meters, and they could park/stop and the kids could get out, and we would not have to be involved in their dim little lives.
But no — “fuck that” they thought.
We will just put our cars right over here and now you, and you, and you, and especially you, can watch whilst our off spring gets out the car, unpacks their shit, drops their hockey/polo/beat a child to death stick — and then —- still has a chat with mom and dad….. at about this point I am losing touch with sanity.
Whilst we all sit here in contemplative silence thinking about ways to beat you to death with the wheel jack, or what ever we can find in our car on short notice.
I swear I was sitting there saying things that made Lil’ Wayne blush. He eventually stopped singing on the CD and said “yo-yo-yo bitch, yo man, yo man… coming down a bit hard on the fucks … just be chill like…..” (it’s my story I can tell it anyway I feel it happened — prove it didn’t happen that way I dare you)
When these things happen you always think you are alone in the universe.
This is happening to you and obviously everyone else is fine with it.
I was really saying some fairly unkind things.
I had violence and rage running at full tilt. This does not happen once — there is never one prick in the school having an emergency morning. There are dozens of them, all self entitled and assuming you can just sit back and wait whilst they ignore the rules and basically fuck up your day whilst you have to watch them be the fuck ups they woke up to be.
I aim my anger and rage mainly at the parent. At a certain point I start to go for the child.
If the parent/adult person is this stupid then my guess is there is going to be something inherited there. We —- yes we, this is a village issue people—- need to consider flushing out the DNA pool. As a group, to at least delay the low IQ apocalypse, or at the very least save some water.
In all of this, I had so much time to take in the scenery and all of that shit — well because I am sitting there waiting for Prince William to get himself organised and all.
I looked in my rear view mirror and there was a mom who had dropped her kid off NOT ON THE FUCKING RED LINE. She was going off, like OFF. Proper. Which made my going-off look like I had maybe dropped a spot of Nutella on my almost black jean pant, and it was a slight inconvenience as I dabbed it with my wet wipe.
This mom person was dressed for work, all neat and proper and she was going off like a lunatic. I think she was in Stage 5 of the use of the middle finger. I actually didn’t realise that fingers could do that — I couldn’t read her lips but I am almost sure she was using the word po#s there with reckless abandon.
I stopped ranting to watch her. She was that impressive. Even in the rear view mirror.
I do wish you and I could have spent more time together. I felt we were kindred spirits there for a little while. I heart you, who ever you are.
Finally these two fuckers drop their “reason for living off” move their respective cars and drive away. Allowing the rest of us to get on with our lives.
Yesterday like every day, I shrug it off and do not think about it again. Because what am I going to do? Change direction and follow them, and when they park their car go along and key the side of the car …. I mean I could. I could plan my mornings that way.
I have more flexibility on a Monday and a Friday, so lets just see how the week pans out.
I am trying to look at this and think that maybe someone else will take charge here. Get out of their car with a baseball bat and take care of one of these annoying vehicles. Taking a few swings at their front lights or their side mirrors. I can’t describe the joy that thought gives me.
My money is on the mom behind me yesterday. Chick, who ever you are, I am backing you in this episode of Mad Moms!! I will be your alibi if you need one.
This morning I am dropping Connor off – same thing I parked in the area without the red line. Child gets out of car with necessary luggage. Walks the required 12 steps and is in the school gate. Easy.
I accelerate, as you do. To move to the part of the road where I can drive. Away. To work.
But no – because some fucker mother (see what I did there?) has decided that the red line is a good place to sort of park/stop — that the rules do not apply to her and her liebchen.
She has actually beaten the odds and done red line and sort of middle of the road park/stop (it is not a very wide road). In one move she has fucked it up for everyone.
Close enough to the corner that the folks behind her have to sit and stare at her as well.
She isn’t even in a huge SUV. She is in a Paleo (or what ever) fucking smurf car — like how the fuck do you manage to take up so much space with that??
How is it possible? She beat the odds,. This stupid cow peaked in areas that I did not realise were even a competition to peak in.
Of course her fucking gifted daughter dropped something and then needed to leopard crawl under the car to get it. No worries we will just sit here as we watch our lives slip away from us. Be late for fucking everything because you didn’t use a condom 15 or 16 years a go!!!
I didn’t even curse this morning (yes I realise how unlikely that sounds — I think I had used up all up my fucks and fuck-me’s yesterday). I really just sat there with that look of amazement on my face and doing that thing.
That thing where you put your hands on the steering wheel, lift them up in awe with your palms still resting on the steering wheel, so you are sort of doing controlled jazz hands. Then you put the fingers down, grip the steering wheel so your knuckles go white — and keep repeating this movement as long as what ever is happening in front of you continues.
It’s the WTF sign with a steering wheel.
I am sure If this happens at all schools — because Fairmont High School surely cannot have the most clueless parents. They appear like such nice people when they are not in their cars.
Parents cannot be this self absorbed they do not notice they are impacting on the rest of the world, in their aim to do what ever they need to do for their offspring —- because their shit for brains is more important than mine.
Surely other schools have these parents too.
I do not have a solution. I have some more swear words though.
If YOU are a parent — if you are one of THESE parents at Fairmont High — then stop being an arsehole.
This is not an AA meeting. You do not need to introduce yourself and tell us you are an arsehole, and when your last arsehole action was.
We have watched you on the red line, because we can’t go anywhere. We know you are an arsehole.
BECAUSE YOU ARE PARKED/STOPPED ON THE FUCKING RED LINE even if it was only for a freaking minute!!!
We are asking you to recognise you are being an arsehole. Maybe if you admit it, seek some assistance and just don’t park or stop on the goddamn red line, then, well we can all be lekker again.
Just don’t be that MOFO ARSEHOLE who puts their time ahead of all of ours. Then blocks us in so we have to sit and stare at you — you do know your car has glass? We can see you, your stupid face and all that.
Don’t be a parking arsehole at school (we can deal with retail spaces another day) — it’s not cool and it’s not lekker. Just stop it. For the love of all things good.
Choose not to be an arsehole today. Come on, we are actually rooting for you to not be an arsehole — be a sunflower or a fucking rainbow, but not an arsehole.