About “Reluctant Mom”

24 November 2011

I thought it might be good to just as little update on me in the “about me” page – as the stuff written below is still valid, and I feel a bit “reluctant” to go and change it, as it is still what is going on.

Reflecting on this year.

I am slightly better now than I was to begin the year.  This year has had a series of downwards spirals, that really just turned in to me clawing at the sides of a bottomless pit.

I can honestly say that there were several moments where I sat on the edge of my bed crying and saying: “I am slipping in to madness, and I am worried that this is my last glimpse of mild sanity…”

So that was not all good.  Actually all pretty shit, no way to brighten that one up at all.

Depression and General Anxiety Disorder have held me hostage much of this year.  It really was one of my hardest and lowest down patches.  In some instances I was a willing accomplice (Patty Hearst Syndrome) but in many I was being dragged backwards behind an ox-driven cart.

Presently I am in a “feeling much better” space.  I am enjoying my life, work, my children and my lot in life.  I am well medicated, seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist who assist me in keeping my fingers firmly stapled to the ledge.

My relationship has its ebbs and flows.  Kennith is a good guy, if not a great guy.  We argue and we disagree.  And I think it is difficult to be in a relationship with me, when I am not always present.  It has been difficult to just be …… I can’t explain this unless you have been there before.

I am sure that this year has not been a total joy for him.  No doubt he has had several moments where he has been left questioning why exactly he has tied his yoke to a “reluctant mom/wife/person” but I am glad he has decided to hang in there for a bit longer. The good egg he is.

I hope that as I get better, I will have more “energy” to focus on improving our relationship, and being a better partner.  Right now I am pretty sucky if the truth be told.

I feel more in synch with my kids in the last two months than I think I ever have.  I really enjoy them and smile when I think of them.  I enjoy just being with them.  But that being said I am still easily overwhelmed (as I am this week) and I need to keep a check on this, before I find I am putting myself into a situation that I cannot cope with.

Connor is a sensitive caring soul with a soft and gentle nature.  He is a beautiful boy, who is a good soul.   He helps me so much, and I think he is an old soul, who sees more than he lets on.

Georgia is a child that tests my mettle, and often leaves me confused, frustrated and befuddled. Kennith has suggested she will be a “creative” and we need to really find a different way of dealing with her.  I adore her and I find her so challenging, but I do need to find a better way of “coping” with her differences, and have not mastered this.

Isabelle is a third child, but who has decided to surpass her siblings to she is not left behind.  She has shown herself to be the shortest person in our house with the most clout.  She tests me each day, and most days I fail, dismally.  She starts school in January, so I am hoping that peer pressure helps her with her speech, and maybe reduces her frustration.

Work is great.  I do not say that flippantly. I really love what I do and fortunately it lends itself to some flexibility – so I can sometimes sit at my dining room table in my shorty jammies and continue working.  That has been a life line to me.  But I do struggle to find the “balance” between working and stopping working when I get home.

My blog.  My blog has become more important to me, than it was. I do not earn a living from my blog.  I don’t make any income.  It is purely a work of love and obsession.   My ramblings, mutterings and cussing have assisted me in finding me (as flippant as that sounds.)

I try never to go back and change a blog post. I leave it – as you would a diary insert – it has the feelings and emotions that I felt on that day at that time.  My blog changes as I do, and my thoughts felt on one day, at one time, were true to that time.  But I change and I often rethink my thoughts and may think differentlyc or learn something I did not know before.

Because I said it here does not make it so. Forever. I am entitled to change my mind.  I hope I do in some instances.  Try not to hold me ransom when I have said something once.

I am glad you have found my blog – and I also hope that some of my shit resonates with you.  I love my kids, and I like my kids, I just am not a cookie cutter mom. I am easily frustrated when I am with my kids.  I am easily frustrated when I am with YOUR kids, so it is not just mine.

I do struggle to keep sane in my insanity.  Right now I am on a yellow lifeboat and I am bobbing along quite nicely with my bottle of Chenin Blanc <presently looking for a sponsor wine farm, so please apply if you stock Chenin Blanc>

I find motherhood fkn hard and challenging.  I am not going to tell you that it is easy, or that I love it so damn much. I often sit and wonder if I could and would run away from it all, and just leave it behind.  Could I or would I?  But I am here and I chip away at each day.

I realise I am just a bit out of synch with the cupcake-making-craft-doing moms that I see.   I like to drink wine, lots of it, and I like to use a baby sitter, and spend evenings out without my kids.

I do love my kids – I just don’t want to be with them 24 hours of each day.  I can’t balance work, my kids, my relationship and my life, and my tentative grasp on sanity.  I have not found the secret. Yet.

So that is me … and this is my blog.

 

 

 

<< ————————- >>

 

I realized that I have been blogging for more than a year – my reason for blogging is about to turn two on the 10 June 2010.

I have three children and have always battled with motherhood – I find everything about it challenging and nothing about it came easily to me.

Kennith and I put off having children until I was 29 – when I mean put off, I mean, I put him off having children.  I was looking for a way to convince him that we really did not want children, as I really did not want children.

I gave in, and we had our first son when I was 29 – and really I like to compare it to the little Dutch girl – or was it a boy –  with her finger in the dyke (large dam rather than large dame type).

When Connor came along it was like an entire universe opened up to me.  And I am not necessarily talking about the happy universe where fairies and pixies play and giggled, it is more the universe where Stephen King gets his inspiration.

I focused my energies and the preparation on choosing the right colour for the bedroom, buying the right pram, would I wash all his clothes once or twice before packing them into his new cupboard – those sorts of details.

What I did not factor in was how the arrival of this 3 plus kilogram little person would create so much stress between Kennith and I that we felt our stable and very secure relationship was crumbling right before our eyes.

I could never factor in how the arrival of this baby would suddenly bring to life all my issues regarding my childhood and the issues I have regarding my mother and some of the choices she made.

The arrival of this baby made me anxious, paranoid, depressed and severely unhappy.

But, and I really must say but, I was not unhappy with him – of course I loved him with that fierceness of a love that a mother feels for a her child.  She knows she would lay down her life for him at the drop of a hat – no the pain and the unhappiness I felt was for me, my life, my relationship and well pretty much everything.

I struggled with ‘bouts of depression that had moments of light relief and others with shadows of wanting to end it all.

I hated myself.  I hated the fact that I could not cope.  I felt dreadfully alone and I began to hate Kennith because it was all his fault – well who else was I going to blame?

I felt abandoned and angry because I was becoming more dependent on him.  Dependency is a very ugly and frightening word for me.

Kennith assisted by decided nothing says abandonment quite like going off to do a two-year MBA!!

I decided – I, not we, I – at my darkest lowest point, that I wanted to have a second child.  I can’t explain rationally why, it was a primal urge and had all the makings of a breakdown.

We had Georgia in 2005.  If I thought things could not get any worse, I was severely deluded.

All that could go wrong did, we were living in a house of misery and somehow we were getting through the days.  Over the period of 2005 through to end 2006 I can honestly say we were not living, we were surviving.

But with these things, things do get better and they did.

We realized we were in trouble, and somehow find the resolve and the strength to make it better.  We started making more effort just to be present, just to be there for each other and to really value what we had.  I am not trying to indicate at all that it was not difficult.  It was hellishly hard, and running in our separate directions definitely seemed so much easier than trying to walk this path together.

Things got better each year, and my depression definitely got easier to handle, and our children flourished.

In late 2007 we decided to start “talking” about a third child.  We discussed, chatted, planned and finally fell pregnant late in 2008 – we welcomed Isabelle in June 2009.

And here is where my story begins.

I was convinced I had got over all the hard stuff.

I had endured the relationship issues, I had survived two children – often getting through difficult times alone.  I knew the realities of the situation.  I was no longer under false illusions of how easy or difficult it was going to be.  I had experience, I had this all waxed .. well that is what I thought.

However …. yes there is always a but …. but I thought ‘a however’ would sound better.

I had always nurtured illusions <delusions> that I would be a stay at home mom.

I would happily prepare kids for school, drop them off, do some of my freelance work, maybe start a business from home, and grab the kids later and well do kid-mom stuff.

That is sort of the picture I had in my mind.

When Isabelle popped up on the scanning monitor in the OBGYN office I thought, well this is the time.  I need to gear myself up to be at home with her, nurture her, and be there with her to see her gurgle, and take her first step and reach for me when she is crying – I am going to be that mom.

I work for a great company, and I really enjoy what I do.  But I thought I am going to go on maternity leave, finances are going to force me back to work, but I will work until she is about a year and then, I will resign and start this “stay at home mom” life that is all the rage.

The problem I did not factor in to this issue – was me!

I am so depressed being at home I start to slide into a rather dramatic I-think-I-am-going-to-harm-someone depression.  I just cannot cope.

I become erratic (more than usual), and start to go off the edge of my very thin postcard.

I realized while on maternity leave with Isabelle, with crushing clarity, that I am just not designed to stay home.  I will probably kill myself or sell my kids to the circus.  I am embarrassed and frustrated that I can’t do it – but the truth – as cutting as it is – is that I make a better mom working than a mom staying at home.

I am happier and saner when I brush my teeth and put my work clothes on and drive off to work, than if I stayed at home.

Recently someone asked me – a good friend – “But why did you have children if you don’t like being with them?”

Initially I thought I would bitch-slap her, but then I thought about it, and can understand how it seems …. that there are other moms  like me who love/adore their children, but do not want to be with them twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  I know we are not meant to say it … because that will mean we love them less.

I love being a mom.  I just don’t like being a mom all the time.

I hide from my children, I miss the days of lying on my bed reading, undisturbed.  I would rather be out with my friends eating copious amounts of pasta and drinking wine, than sitting with my kids doing arts and crafts.

Initially the guilt I suffered for thinking like this consumed me.  Again I felt it was just me.

The moms I saw were perfectly turned out and just love being with their off-spring all the time, but that was not me.  I would see these clicks of moms at my kids schools and they were just so into everything their kids did – and I kept thinking, I need a gap to go and drink wine, I would much rather not sit and watch my child practice hockey or playball – that is why I pay these other people to do these things with my kids, so I can go off and do something else.

While on maternity leave in June 2009, I started jotting down some of my thoughts about my experiences through motherhood and the daily battles I have being me.  I was seeing a psychiatrist at the time and had just started on my new script of Zoloft.

When I started blogging, it actually made me start feeling better, just putting it out there.

But then I started to get responses from other women – who felt the same as me – possibly with less wine and Zoloft, but they echo’d some of the things I was going through.

I can’t tell you how liberating and amazing it felt, that it was not just me crying in the bathroom at 2am, there were other moms like me, who maybe did not quite fit the mould.

So, to sum up who I am, I am a mom of three delicious children, I adore them so much, and if I could have a fourth I would, I also love being away from my children and being with my friends and a large bottle of wine.

I struggle with motherhood nearly every day, and nothing about it comes easily to me.  I stopped faking it was easy and that I was coping around 2007.

Since then my life has got easier, not easy, just easier and just a little saner.

Leave a comment

141 Comments

  1. Odette de Bruyn

     /  January 8, 2016

    Hi Celeste, not sure if you’ll remember me but we showed Staffords and also got a Frenchie from the same litter you did. I really would like to chat to you some more. Any possibility of pls contacting me via email? Thanks so much

    Reply
  2. Patrizia

     /  December 15, 2015

    Hey…love your blog! Way to go!

    Reply
  3. Richard

     /  August 28, 2015

    Hi Celeste

    I’m not a mom nor am I anywhere close to being 1 😂, but I came across your #Stileez post on social media and thought of something I thought about something and would like to run it through you, something we can possibly partnership on

    Let me know if you are interested

    Reply
  4. Hi Celeste 🙂 Thank you for your blog. I just randomly came across it Googling ‘Flyboys’ while I’m supposed to work. What can I say? It happens when I am under pressure and my lists and papers are all over the place. Damn, I hate pressure. I, too, want to sometimes run screaming into the hills when it all gets too much. I have two kids, and even though I love them dearly and would never harm them, I sometimes just want to strangle them both, or hang them in a sack. Metaphorically speaking, though. I swear. A lot. I am not proud of it, but my excuse (after I’ve listened to Eckhart Tolle, and convinced myself that he was talking about swear words as well ) is that it is just really a sound we make, with no real meaning other than that which humans gave it. Plus swearing calms me down. It’s like a sigh, but with more colour.
    I pretty much don’t drink, EVER. I am afraid that if I really start, I might not quit. Like chocolates.
    Anyhow, I will not carry on with my life’s ramblings here – although reading some of your posts makes me want to dust of my old blogging hat and start again. Thanks for inspiring, wanting-to-pee-myself-laughing stuff. You have, to say the least, a superb outlook on reality from the edge of your postcard!
    (because when all else fails, I do love the dysfunctional functioning of this thing we call LIFE)
    ♥ Your namesake 🙂

    Reply
  5. Hi Celeste,

    I stumbled across your brilliant blog via our local community FB page, and so happy that I did! Your writing, insights and wit are tears-running-down-cheeks-spill-my-wine funny! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with the world. I admire and respect that you’re putting yourself out there honestly and openly.

    I’m happily married (been divorced once), 41 years old, I freelance, no kids (more on that below), love my dogs, love to travel, love art, reading, history, adventure, etc.

    Your blog resonated with me, but not for the reason it resonates with most of your other readers… I connected with your feelings of being an outsider and speaking out about your true emotions because I’m Childfree by Choice, I’ve known since I was about 13 years old that having children would never be part of my life, for no other reason than I simply never felt the urge, I was born without a “biological clock”. Having said that, I love kids, I adore my nieces and my friends kids, I spoil them, enjoy the funny things that say, I keep their drawings of my dogs on my fridge, etc. It’s kind of like this, I love alpacas, they’re cute, funny, adorable, but I really would rather not have one as a pet (disclaimer – I’m not comparing kids to pets, before anyone gets offended).

    Around me, my family and friends have mostly gone on to have kids. I’ve watched them go through pregnancy, birth, those newborn months, the toddler years, etc. I’ve witnessed the good times and the bad times too, and I’ve seen the struggle it is for them to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted kids, and I take my hat off to them.

    The reason why your blog touches me is that as a voluntarily childfree woman (childfree, not child”less” which would imply that I wanted kids, but cannot have them), as far as I know, until very recently when I had my tubes tied, I was perfectly physically capable of falling pregnant and having kids, I just chose not to, I’ve come up against the myth that motherhood is unbridled joy and the be-all-and-end-all-of a woman’s existence, that kids bring endless happiness and fulfilment. I’ve been told time and time again that “You’ll change your mind”, “Oh, it’s different when they’re your own”, “You will regret not having kids”, and several other “bingo” comments. When I openly tell people that I never want kids, they look at me as if I’ve grown an extra eye in the middle of my forehead and told them I shoot kittens for fun. They dismiss me quickly and move on to the next conversation. I attend my nieces and friends kids birthday parties because I’m their aunty and I’m a part of their lives and their support structure and not least of all, because I love them and want to be there… I try to chat with the moms, be social, be part of the conversation, but I find that that most of the moms push me aside because I don’t fit in the “mommy club” (not all, some are super cool!), they instantly judge me and consider me “less than” because I don’t have kids and don’t want my own. Luckily there’s always wine and bubbly at most of the kids birthday parties (for the adults of course) 😉 and I often find myself chatting with my husband and the dads, who generally will tell you a funny story about one their kids, like how Mikey got an erection one morning last week, and was crying because “Daaaaaaad! This thing won’t go DOWN!!!”, the dads all laugh, I laugh with them (it is a funny story…) and then they talk about anything other than their kids, like fishing, sport, politics, world events, movies, etc… poop is very seldom a topic of conversation amongst the dads… unless it forms part of a very funny story.

    I’ve also had a few of my mom friends, after tee many martoonis, in hushed tones whisper to me that motherhood is not all it’s cracked up to be, and they somehow thought it was going to be rainbows, kittens and butterflies… a few have even said that even though they love their kids to the ends of the universe and back, maybe they might have chosen not to have kids. Then they look deep into their almost empty wine glass, and tell me that they feel awful and should never have said that, and they feel like “bad mothers” for saying such a thing.

    I’m under no illusion that parenting is easy, and I’m glad that you so openly talk about the not-so-happy things, and that you talk about your true feelings and through doing so give other parents the freedom to speak out and also admit their deepest “forbidden” feelings, and in doing so they don’t feel alone or “wrong” and they can have peace of mind that many others out there feel the same. I know that as someone who never wanted kids, I’ve always (and at times still do) felt like an outsider and felt very alone for many years, wondering if something was “wrong” with me, but it turns out there are many other women out there just like me that I’ve discovered through blogs, FB groups, forums, books, etc.

    Anyway, I think it’s important to do away with the facades, myths, prejudices, and the stigma around parenting, involuntary childlessness, or as in my case, choosing the be childfree, and know that you’re not alone, whatever your life path/circumstance. So, thank you once again for your great blog and for being so open with your thoughts and sharing your brilliant wit with us all.

    A new non-mom fan 🙂

    Reply
    • Thank you for sending this through to me.

      I had pretty much decided to remain childless, I just did not have any maternity hormones going on, and the idea of bringing a child into the world that I would have to parent scared the bejesus out of me.

      My partner at the time wanted children in the first two months of us meeting. We carried on our relationship with a once a year chat that went along the lines of:

      Him: So, are we ready to talk about having children?
      Me” Er, not so much — maybe next year. Okay?
      Him: {sighing into his beer} Okay …. let’s see then.

      We played this out in various forms for 7 years until I had the conversation and realised that for him we had reached a cross roads. Choose the road that included me, and not have children.

      Or choose the other road, which would mean leaving me, finding someone else who wanted children.

      I did not dive into having children with a happy refrain and a total disregard for what I knew I felt at my core.

      I was scared of losing him, and I reasoned “other people have kids all the time, how bad could it be?”

      Yes, that was seriously my decision making “eight ball” – having kids has not been easy for me (having them has been easy, being a parent has been difficult and challenging.)

      For the most part I felt very lonely and I could not understand why it was not all unicorns farting glitter and us skipping down a hill in leiderhosen. I hated parenting. I found it not only hard, but so difficult it pushed me into a deep depression.

      And as you said everyone who was a parent seemed so fcuking happy all the time – and they seemed to get it right. Me, I was one ball of snot, mucus and tears.

      Only when I started blogging – which I did in desperation. I had my third child (all planned) and I was at the point where I seriously was considering throwing her across the room. I just could not cope.

      Blogging really helped me connect with other moms who did not lie about the fact that baby shit stinks, and sometimes they want to hide from their children.

      I cannot say with any accuracy how my life would have turned out had I not had my children —- but …. and this is the “but” that one is never allowed to admit in public, I do often wonder what my life would be like if I chose not to have any children.

      I will just wait for the heavens to rain fire and brimstone on me now.

      I hope you read more, and I really appreciated your candor.

      Reply
      • Thanks so much for your brave honesty. I think anyone who dares to criticise you for being so open about the negatives, is not being honest with themselves IMHO. It’s fantastic that you’ve been so courageous to take the leap into the taboo and talk about the not-so-great side of motherhood, and as I mentioned before, let others know that they’re not lonely miserable failures that they imagine they are, but rather doing the best they can like so many others moms out there, and also giving them the freedom to be brave and admit that it’s not all glitter farting unicorns (love it!).
        I’ll be eagerly awaiting each blogpost 🙂

        p.s. I shared your blogpost about the Stikeez with my sister-in-law who is collecting for my nieces, aged 4 and 7, and yes, she feels exactly the same, the struggle is real!

        Reply
  6. tanyakschenck

     /  May 2, 2014

    Hi,
    I have been reading your blog for more than couple of months now and have learned a lot. It is really good and you are maintaining it very well. I would like to submit my post on your blog (as guest post) with my website link. Please let me know if you are accepting guest posts for free of cost and I’m ready to discuss my contents with you, I promise you with unique, quality and 100% plagiarism free content. I am looking forward to get your reply.
    Thank You,
    Tanya Schenck

    Reply
  7. I just want to say thank you for this post! I feel this way a lot, & am so glad I’m not alon. It’s such a relief! I’ll keep you & your family in my thoughts (the bright ones…lol). Keep blogging!

    Reply
  8. Hi – we’re a fan of your blog and are interested in your possibly writing a piece for our parenting magazine. If you’re interested, please drop me an email and I can tell you more about us. Thanks!

    Reply
  9. Joe Anderson

     /  March 13, 2014

    Hi, I also have misophonia and I really connect to some of the things that you have written about it. I am writing a feature story about it for a class that I am in and I was wondering if you would be willing to talk to me about it? If so, my email is janders3@cord.edu

    Thanks!

    Reply
  10. OOOOPS !! I didn’t think the first reply went through. It was obviously delayed in making it to the table. I thought it was lost in one of the many dark holes of “blog land” to use your expression. I am so sorry that I did two replies. That’s a first. Peace, T

    Reply
  11. You (or is it your blog?) reminds me of Anne Lamott … Suddenly mind-blank, cannot remember the one book with a (short) chapter about addiction. I guess I’ll wrap by saying that I can tell you put your heart and soul and authenticity into this blog; and I sense that this is a reflection of … partially … how you “do” your recovery. You talk about your kiddos, and there is something in that says you are very serious about your recovery… Our recovery is bigger than ourselves, and other people are part of our recovery. I like your blog. T

    Reply
  12. You put your heart and soul and passion into your blog, and it sounds like 2013, parts of it, were hellish: your movement toward getting better. And my thought mixed with my discernment is that if you chose not to get better, and chose to be numb, then it wouldn’t have been hellish. Good for you; fighting the battles … taking the steps to get better. I believe that recovery is bigger than ourselves. Our recovery is about our children, and those who love us. Keep on: getting better, and writing. Your life may depend on it, eh? T

    Reply
  13. Hi There

    I am the owner of Momi Baby Bags (www.momibabybags.co.za)

    We absolutely love your blog and was wondering if you would like to do a give-away or review of one of our bags on your blog during March/April 2014?

    I look forward to hearing from you.

    Regards
    Jolene

    Reply
  14. Your blog has reminded me that its ok for me to want time out in recent times I have suffered guilt for silly things even wanting a glass of wine lead me to guilty thoughts. Great blog I am pleased to have read it 🙂

    Reply
  15. Hope to see you participating at the Orienteering events. Connor is a natural and could make it to nationals and JWOC with your support.

    Reply
  16. I just saw that you’ve put me on your blogroll. *gasp* I found your blog this morning because I noticed referred traffic coming from your blog and would like to lodge a formal complaint: I have now lost two hours (yes, TWO hours) of my morning, reading post after post. I DO NOt HAVE TWO HOURS to lose! Thank goodness your honesty is so refreshing, your writing is so easy to read – it makes the two hours of work I was supposed to be doing totally worth throwing away. THEN, I noticed you’ve added my blog to your list of people who keep you away from your work and I started to laugh – KARMA, baby!

    So, let’s make it official: Friends!

    Looking forward to losing more sleep/work as I follow you.

    PS – I just recently wrote a little piece that might resonate with you: http://theycallmemummy.com/2013/06/06/pollyanna/

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 13, 2013

      Thanks >>> I am not sure how I stumbled on your blog, and I am glad we both have now spent in excess of 4 hours catching up.

      Reply
  17. Hi!

    I’ve given you a blog award because I really like your blog!
    http://adventuresinjedi.wordpress.com/2013/05/31/its-a-community-thing/

    xx Dida

    Reply
  18. Hi Celeste,

    My name is Kevin Gillespie, I do, MUCH prefer to be called Kev though. :).

    I live in Wales, & I am now ‘Following’ your Blog. :).

    Also, once I start, I personally CAN’T STOP saying F***. 🙂 😦

    Reply
  19. You’ve widened my world, broadened my mind and made me laugh, think and belong. I hope you will accept this nomination for the WordPress Family Award.

    http://furrynuff.wordpress.com/2013/05/09/we-are-family-da-da-dada-dada-dee-dee/

    Reply
  20. I have nominated you for a Liebster Award and would love for you to take part. http://nanuschka.wordpress.com/2013/04/20/liebster-awards-2013/

    Reply
  21. Jennifer Butler Basile

     /  April 4, 2013

    Brilliant! So well put and honest and brave. I know those are all the things people say when you share revoltingly true things, but I am one of those ‘happy pill’ taking, wish I didn’t want wine/beer so much moms. I LOVE my children, but reading my blog, you might not think so.

    Reply
  22. Hi there,
    I have just found your blog and found your writing brave, honest and funny. I also suffer with anxiety, mainly brought on by the horrible pregnancies I’ve suffered, the second one ending in a PPH and two surgeries. I have had chronic pelvic pain for the past ten years and to have babies make this worse has just been a real mood and intimacy killer. It is really hard to have children who you love but make you exhausted and in pain and then also don’t appreciate you and tell you ‘to go away’. Being a Mum is hard but having an honest Mum community out there really helps – so good on you and keep on writing!

    Reply
  23. Hi there!Just want to say thanks for writing so honestly 🙂 I love reading your posts because I can really relate to them. You’re amazing.

    Reply
  24. Well just when I thought I was the only women in the world trying to hide my depression which by the way I have traced to the 4th grade…and I am now , gulp, 64…BUT I DON”T LOOK OR ACT IT!!!!!!! I got so tired of people sking me:how are you?” when I was feeling like a bag of shit, that of course I would lie and…oh great, just great!!!!!
    I started my blog in Aug 2012…also not for money..(although now that I am unemployed it would sure help). Like you I do it for the passion…it’s an obsession.
    So…to get to the point….most people when they ask don’t want to know the truth when they ask how are you….what I am I going to say…”.I’m really depressed and am having an anxiety attack, thanks for asking.” So I started saying “The old black dog is visiting.” Of course, they looked at me like I was an idiot…but I really don’t care….SO…..I was just getting ready to write a blog about the old black dog and was searching through google images and found you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I live in Florida now…but have traveled all over the world working on cruise ships and worked with alot of crew members from Cape Town. I am a former TV news presenter, former morning radio host…..see…everythin now is “former” which is even more depressing since I still have, in my heart, lots more to do with my life!!!!!! Anyway…..I am glad I connected with you.

    Reply
  25. Nothando

     /  December 3, 2012

    Hi there,

    Would like to send you a gift from one of our clients. Could yo ossibly provide me with your contact details and physical address?

    Reply
  26. Donna

     /  September 9, 2012

    Hi Celeste
    I have just discovered your blog and as a mom of two I’ve spent a bit too much time reading through (and relating with) the blog posts here.
    I would like to get in touch with you to discuss a project which you might feel is relevant to your readers. Can you please send me an email address?
    Thanks!

    Reply
  27. Hi Celeste
    I’m hoping to interview you for a article I’m writing. Could I have an email address and I’ll send more details?
    Thanks
    Catherine McCormack

    Reply
  28. Thanks for Writing award nomination: I’m still fairly new to the blogging world but I’m sure I’m supposed to mention that I’ve nominated you for the Thanks for Writing award. Love your blog. It’s an inspiration and a fun read. Please keep the posts coming.Thanks!

    Reply
  29. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for your very honest words. I can relate to many (if not all) of your struggles as a new mom. Your words hit home….thank you again for verbalizing what I haven’t been able to. Keep the posts coming. Love, one (slightly insane) mom to another.

    Reply
  30. lesley

     /  July 19, 2012

    Hi There I would like to know where you found an image that you used in your blog posted for womansday? its the one where the woman are protesting agazinst passes in 1956 and the one lady has a baby on her back.?

    Thanks so much Lesley

    Reply
  31. Hi! I find your blog fun & fascinating and have nominated you for The Sunshine Award! For more details, check out my blog 🙂

    Reply
  32. Lucia

     /  June 6, 2012

    Wow is all i can SAY. I could have written half of this entire blog. Thank you.

    Reply
  33. Vanessa

     /  March 28, 2012

    I cannot believe my good fortune of stumbling onto your blog. I also have 3 kids. I googled a couple of words crudely trying to articulate a few things I have been struggling with with the term ‘blog’ following and yours popped up first. I was hoping to find anyone who might be experiencing similar feelings and I am shocked at the parellels in our lives. I look forward to reading more.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 28, 2012

      Hi Vanessa — welcome, welcome!! It is not always comfortable or sane here, but none the less, pull over a chair and get yourself a glass of wine.

      Reply
  34. OMG. You sound so much like me! Wow. I can’t wait to read the rest of your stuff. I just started my own blog with the idea of putting my own stories out there because when I was in the thick of my own anxiety and depression (postpartum going into its 6th year) I was looking for someone like me out there who wasn’t just blissed-out by the whole motherhood thing. I hope you and maybe some of your readers will check me out. I’d love any input from you. I’m an American, but I’ve visited Capetown, Durban, and a couple of spots in between….Looks like you and a lot of your audience may be South African. So cool!

    So glad to have found you,
    jb

    Reply
  35. Ciska

     /  November 24, 2011

    Hi Reluctant Mom,

    I have been following you blog for a year or so. Good job! You always seem to capture those moments we all have with our kids and lives perfectly.

    I wanted to ask you about your CBT therapy. Apparently there aren’t may trained therapists in South Africa that specialise in this sort of therapy. I was wondering if you or your current therapist could recommend someone in JHB/PTA?

    I have also been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety during the last 10 years. I feel it might be time for a new approach and I have heard great things about CBT.

    Thanks so much for an inspiringly funny blog!

    Kind regards,
    Ciska

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  November 25, 2011

      I have found CBT pretty amazing in areas where I just thought I was “broken and I would not be fixed” it is an odd system if you are used to lying on the couch and bitching about all and sundry, so this is definitely something different to “normal therapy.”

      My brain does not just follow anything, and it’s natural method is to recoil, question, be suspicious – so CBT was a bit of a hard sell and I still sit there and go “this is sh&t” – but at the end of it, I do walk away with going “hey I can think about that differently”

      I use these guys – they are Cape Town based – but I think they can refer you to a qualified and competent person in your neck of the woods : http://www.cognitive-behaviour-therapy.co.za/

      Reply
  36. My best friend (mother of four and child psychologist – that’s her actual profession, not just a byproduct of being mother of four) sent me an email a few days ago, recommending your blog. I only got round to checking it out today, and I am actually sitting here with tears pouring down my face. I don’t know who I love more, Cath for sending me your way, or you for your beautiful, honest, vulnerable, hilarious, uplifting, inspiring blog. Thank you SO much for sharing this with us. I am a mum of two and am REALLY struggling with being a good mum (even struggling with the ‘good enough’ bit) – my little boy is 3 and little girl is 10 months, and you have made me suddenly feel so emotional about finding someone who absolutely, intrinsically, gets what I’m feeling and is going through something similar. This is one of the things that I loved most on your ‘about me’:

    “I love being a mom. I just don’t like being a mom all the time.”

    Perfect.

    And this made me shriek with laughter:

    “I hide from my children, I miss the days of lying on my bed reading, undisturbed. I would rather be out with my friends eating copious amounts of pasta and drinking wine, than sitting with my kids doing arts and crafts.”

    Aside from my ‘mother’ identity, I am also a yoga instructor, and I am constantly horrified by how being a mum makes me totally, comprehensively, lose my yoga ‘persona’ – I’m supposed to be all Zen and calm and mindful and present, and yet what I find more often than not recently, when my children are playing up, is that instead of breathing deeply and smoothly and chanting ‘Om’, I just want to close my eyes, scream my head off, kick something, down a bottle of wine and then run for the hills to recover for a few days. It’s good to realise I’m not alone.

    Thank you so much. I look forward to reading many, many more of your blogs in the future.

    Lots of love xxx

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  November 24, 2011

      Thanks Nicci – when I started blogging I honestly thought I was the only mom who felt so out of synch as I do. But time has taught me that there are more moms like us, who do love being moms, but equally miss the “before” bits, and do not feel embarrassed to admit thatall things mom is not as cool as it sounds.

      I am glad we have now met – and I am glad Cath introduced us!!

      Reply
      • Ros Koch

         /  May 16, 2013

        I’m yet one more grateful Mum-of-three for finding your blog (thanks to those gorgeous girls, Nicci and Cath, who both warmly welcomed me into their lives when I moved into town a few years back). They are both such brilliant fun, so honest and so refreshing. Before the move, my young family and I were living a rather lonely life on a farm, surrounded by people who didn’t share my language, culture …and most definitely not my silly British humour at all).

        That’s why it’s so wonderful to be able to ‘connect’ with you too now. Because, even if we’ve not met, and maybe never will, we can likewise ‘share a laugh’ over morning coffee in our jammies… or a glass of wine in the evening… depending on when I get my three little tikes off to school or into bed.

        No pressure but please keep sharing the highs and lows of motherhood in your hilarious and indomitable way. I’m loving my daily fix / fits of giggles.

        Lots of love from one of the Winelands wine-drinkers…
        (must get cracking on tracking down a Chenin Blanc sponsor for you!) xxx

        Reply
        • reluctantmom

           /  May 17, 2013

          How lovely is that — thank you so much. I feel all warm and squishy inside now!! xx

          Reply
  37. Debi

     /  October 17, 2011

    Dear Reluctantmom (who … me??)
    Insanely glad I “stumbled upon” your blog – (thank you Laura!)
    I honestly thought I was the only mommy in the whole of the world who did not like it one bit being a mom – and I don’t even mean being one “all the time” – I mean even just “once a day”!
    I kept this little secret in shame to myself hidden in my darkest heart closet for 13 years … seriously thinking I was the only non-natural-mother in the world. Why on earth would I be given three adorable kids if I never wanted them?
    I did not ask for any of my kids! Got two blonde & blue-eyed pretty girls (12 & 13) and 1 boyish little boy with me constantly, in my face, all the time, non-stop: whining, crying, yelling, demanding, tantrummy, etc…
    All three of them were a huge mistake! The “Oh-shit” factor doesn’t describe it here!
    I was never the wanting-to-be-a-mommy-kind – when I fell pregnant (all three times) I thought oh my gawwwd let’s just crawl though the next 9 months and hope the ‘problem(s)’ disappear!
    Babies of all colors and shapes were the ugliest things to crawl the earth and even when my own babies “got out” – the ugliest pitch black hair and red wrinkly skins… I wanted to run without looking back…
    And so I did … I did run, and in the process lost my two girls…
    (They visit frequently enough so it’s a pinch of sugar in my otherwise pitch-black coffee.)
    I too would rather visit friends, go out partying, have friends over with a large bottle of wine …
    Or worse, I would far rather sit at home insanely alone — even be bored stiff, than sit with (any one of) my kids, even just watching them, and particularly NOT play with them or anything like that.
    If I didn’t see them for a day it would be very nice!
    Three o clock on a Saturday afternoon and I was stuck with dirty nappies and a forever hiding dummy that just would not be found and I’m thinking “Fk this!” Further into depression I sank … and it was a horrible iceberg that sunk me.
    I dread it when I’m called “mommy …” I want to hit the roof! I like look around elsewhere to see if it isn’t somebody else’s child calling their moms..
    I, too, hide away! I need me-time. All the time. This borders on selfishness, right?
    In the week it’s OK because I work, when I get home I demand at least an hour for myself where I literally lock myself up in my bedroom … after bathtime I sigh endless reliefs when it’s bedtime!
    Now I’m all alone with my boy – is it kharma?
    I find myself constantly searching ways to “run away” but never finding any.
    Over weekends it’s a nightmare because kid(s) are up at six and demand constant attention – especially my little 5-yr old AD/HA boy who continually sucks my energy – even when I’m deflated on the ground he’ll still continue siphoning off all I have left … And when he sucks he sucks like electrolux!!
    I cannot fathom to talk about any of them constantly like most other proud mommies do …
    At work everybody forgets I’m actually a mommy of three … my heart does not floweth over with continuous blabber about my kids …
    In fact I’m reminded of the fact that I am a working single mom only when I collect my boy from school…
    Neither did they ask to be here, right?
    So … what?
    But I could not abort either of them … I don’t think it’s an easy decision if the deed was done with mutual consent…
    And then … their minute little heart beats awakened a certain kind of reluctant motherness … however reluctantly…
    It could of course be labelled pre-natal depression, post-natal depression, general depression, aloneness, anxiety, etc. (the list is endless as you may agree).
    I do thank God everyday however that, even though there were (and still are) times that I would rather drown the kids and turn the bucket on my own head – but it is their demand for mercy which is what makes us natural mothers. The look in their eye when they cannot tell us what they want … or even if they do tell us what they want, there’s that look of a child that only penetrates through to a mother.
    I still am definitely not cut out for the “American Dream” complete with white picket fence, millionaire husband, dog, the works. I am a bit of a loner, solitary creature …
    Having said all that and feeling rather crappy about feeling so and then admitting something this huge (for the first time ever!) I am glad that I am not the only one!
    BUT, funny enough:
    My kids will know happiness …
    The meaning of love & life … the smell of roses … the caress of a pet …
    About things to come, things that have passed …
    Not to do unto others what you don’t want done to you …
    If anybody had dared hurt them or … !
    If anything would ever happen to them … !
    I would lay my life down in the blink of an eye if it would mean that they remain unscathed…!
    I feverishly defend and protect them…!
    Isn’t that good enough a mommy? Perhaps for a reluctant mommy it’s quite good enough.

    Reply
  38. liz V.

     /  August 15, 2011

    Thank god I found this website. I totally thought it was just me and now I know I am not a horrible mommy, just a reluctant one.

    I type this on a Sunday evening waiting for hubby and one of my two daughters to return from a weekend away. This weekend I planned to to some of everything while my family was away (reorgainzing closets, gearing up for back to school), and guess what I did… nothing. Not a thing. Not one thing… except find this site.

    I mean, I have found other mom blogs & communities and I just couldn’t relate. I love my kids and hubby, but they are not my whole world. And I am finally beginning to think that that is ok.
    Thank you for sharing and making me feel like normal.
    LV

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 15, 2011

      Liz, thanks — a high five I desperately needed, thank you.

      Reply
  39. Hi there! Me again!
    I just wanted to let you know that you are fabulous and that as way to show it I’m nominating you for a “Lovely Blog Award” and “The Versatile Blog Award”. (You can grab the logo’s from my blog)

    If you have already received something like this or prefer not to participate its ok. I wont be offended. 🙂

    I just want to let you know and others know that I love your blog.

    The rules for acceptance are:

    1. Choose five (or more) other people who deserve this award and pass it on.
    2. Tell 7 facts about yourself.
    3. Let the people you gave the award to know.
    4. Thank the person who gave you the award.

    Have a fabulous day hun!

    Yasmin

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 7, 2011

      Thanks Yasmin, a little award first thing in the morning is great, thank you!!! >bow< >bow<

      Reply
  40. Came across your blog yesterday and devoured large chunks of it (goregous wedding pics, by the way!). I am not a mom but the thought of children fills me with deep anxiety – thing is I am one of those maternal people. I always wanted kids. But the older I get the scarier it becomes. Watching all the marriages around me crumble while I was growing up makes me want to ask if any relationship can survive a child. I look after my siblings a lot (always have) and I know how awesome they are but I also know how difficult it is. I don’t know if I want the responsibilty of it. And I feel selfish for even contemplating it. It is so confusing to be a women. I really think your blog is awesome!

    p.s. your eldest daughter sounds like such a character- her own language and homework. Haha 🙂

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 2, 2011

      Yay, always nice when someone new stumbles across me ….. I think relationships can survive a child, but you need to go in with a certain amount of realism. scepticism and pessimism to make it through. It is not all fairy and unicorn happiness I am afraid.

      I do think it must get harder to decide on a child if you are a bit ambivelent, because it is such a huge change in your world – and it makes you question so many things about you, that you thought you knew. But it has it’s own moments and some of those moments are so powerfully sweet that they do make you forget all the other challenges of being a mother – not totally though, but they do fog your memory for a while!!

      Reply
  41. French-capetonian

     /  May 25, 2011

    Hi,Celeste,

    You’ve said it all , you spoke on my behalf. When I left Cape Town I thought I’d be able to move mountains in the new culture that I bathe in. My mistake, gave up my job,Perfectly unhappy and depressive here in France. I am a stay-at-home-mom whith to sparkling girls but …… I am on Lexapro/seroplex to make me cope . I do feel related to your situation
    Keep well

    Reply
  42. I love this. I, too struggle with depression (and OCD and anxiety, and panic attacks) and i love love love having kids, but I never understood the super-human moms who can’t take a vacation away from their kids until they are 5 or 6. I can do it at any age with the right babysitter! We all (normal humans) need breaks and I totally resonated with this post. thanks!

    Reply
  43. Hey Celeste, just got your comment on my blog – really want to mail you directly, please could I have your email address?
    smooches
    Me

    Reply
  44. I was curious if you ever considered changing the page layout of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or 2 pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

    Reply
  45. Julia

     /  January 29, 2011

    Finally. Thank you, Celeste. I have been searching for weeks – maybe months now – for a blog written by someone more like me; someone who doesn’t love motherhood and everything about it and who can be honest about not wanting to be around her kids 24 hours a day. I’m crying as I write this: I have been so tired of feeling alone. Thanks for putting this out there and letting us connect with you.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  January 30, 2011

      Thanks Julia.

      Sort of why I started blogging – because I felt it was just me who was like this. And having a space to just purge was great. It was even more reassuring when I realised that I was not as unique as I thought I was in the beginning, and there are tons of moms who struggle – just like me.

      Most of them never verbalise it, and each day gets harder as they struggle.

      So I am happy I am not that unique, and at the same time sad that there are so many moms like me who often suffer in silence. And often have the arts-and-crafts-perfectly-turned-out-moms who make us feel even worse about ourselves!!

      Reply
  46. Gina

     /  January 9, 2011

    You are talking about me!! I love my kids but I also love ‘me’ time, to do what I want to do when I want to do it!!!
    Definitely adding you to my reader!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  January 9, 2011

      Thanks Gina. Yes, I think there is this voice coming out of moms that maybe we love being moms, but we actually do not love it all day, 24/7.

      Reply
  47. Amy Rise

     /  November 15, 2010

    Hi Celeste.
    I am amazed by your article. I think you are so brave and bold to come out and say what millions of moms wouldnt. I think its great.
    I was reading an article the other day on a website http://www.Risingchild.com where there are moms just like you! There is some great advice.
    With that website and yours I know that I am not alone and that parenting isnt as natural as people think.
    Thanks.

    Reply
  48. Sue Stuart

     /  November 5, 2010

    Hi! I found your blog via Living & Loving on FB. While fortunate not to have to have dealt with the parental issues you have, motherhood certainly hasn’t turned out like I expected it to, after 10 years of trying desperately to have a baby! I felt so guilty about wishing for those “me” times and was so angry at my husband for continuing his life as normal, while mine had done a complete 180!

    Things are much better now, and I love my daughter fiercely, but sometimes I hanker after “my” time!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  November 5, 2010

      Welcome Sue – welcome to the insanity over here. I hope I do not scare (or scar) you too much. Motherhood is/was hard for me – and as I have moved along, I have realised that as hard as it is, I love my children with a fierceness that often makes me cry!

      We all have our stuff, and for me it is great that there are women who can admit that they struggle and that motherhood is not always soft lighting and dreamy moments. The more we admit and the more honest we are with other moms and especially soon-to-be moms the easier their paths will be.

      Often it is the insanity, and wishing you could run away and be alone! My sanity came with embracing the fact that for me motherhood is different to how I “thought” it was for everyone else. Over the year I have been blogging and other moms have commented, I definitely have realised that there are several “reluctant moms” out there, and that sort of makes me feel a bit better. xx

      Reply
  49. Celeste- your honesty is startling and brutal. Motherhood required so much sacrifice from me, I found it challenging — until I surrendered to it. Even then it was hard.

    There’s the yin and yang of motherhood that you so profoundly tap into.

    We can’t get something as incredible as a child without a sacrifice, childbirth and making the commitment to be there for the rest of their lives.

    Why complicate your life further with a fourth? Especially if you’re prone to depression? I have four children and struggled with depression. A fourth adds more of everything. It makes it tougher to be employed because there’s more opportunity for something/someone will go wrong and sick.

    BTW- I’ve written a book — “Raising able: how chores cultivate capable young people” Can I email you a review copy? Let me know at susan [at] susantordella [dot] net.

    Reply
  50. Hi Celeste, I found your blog from WordPress.com – I just want you to know how happy I am to finally find you. I am a single mom with one child and a blog – but I am not a “mommy blogger.” It’s been really hard to find any sort of people to talk to about the fact that I love my daughter with all my heart and soul but I really don’t enjoy being a mother as much as everyone around me thinks I should. Thank you so much for your honesty, it really makes me feel less like a horrible person to know that there are other people out there like.. us.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 14, 2010

      Thanks very much for stopping by – for me motherhood is a daily struggle, some days I win, and some days I lose. It really is great that when I started this blog I realised that there are actually a lot of mom’s like me – who love their kids, but do not necessarily want to be with them 24/7. This blog definitely made me see that there are other moms like me …. and somehow that keeps me more sane ….

      Reply
  51. Hi Celeste, I found you from the blog awards site. I am not a mom, but already I know that all that you write about is me. I know that if I do ever have kids that I will be guarunteed to have the depression, the guilt the fear and the constant struggle every day. It is such a relief to read all these things that I know about myself, before I have even been through them. To me there is nothing natural about mother hood, I know it will be a case of trial and error, and hoping I survive. I really with there wasn’t a wall of silence around these things, because it is such a relief to be open about it like this.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 10, 2010

      Thanks for your comments – motherhood is a constant challenge for me and is a daily trial by fire. I also thought I was alone in this and I was the only mom who struggled with it – but when I put this blog together and go so many comments from similiar moms, I realised that fortuanately/unfortunately I am not alone. Motherhood is not “natural” to me and I really battle with each aspect – I used to really think I was either the worst or the most inept of just not good enough.

      This blog really helped to me realise it is okay to be “good enough” you do not have to strive to be super soccer mom!

      I do think blogs like this and some of the forums I comment on have made many moms or soon to be moms realise that actually we do not all have to be a certain way, it is okay to be the type of mom we are … and that is fine too.

      Reply
  52. I dont think you are strange at all. Frankly the strange moms are the starry eyed ones that LOVE to be with their kids (eating kid food, playing kid games, watching kid tv) every day of their lives.

    I am a better person for taking (copious) amounts of time (daily if possible) to be ALONE.

    🙂

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  August 2, 2010

      My moment of sanity came when I realised that there are more moms that just the Living and Loving photoshopped ones.

      Reply
  53. Congrats! I have bestowed you with an award which you can read all about on my blog tomorrow, the 28th of July 2010.

    Reply
  54. Sharon

     /  July 13, 2010

    OMG! I think I love you! I stumbled across your blog quite by accident and I’m so glad I did because you’ve said so eloquently exactly how I’m feeling! I became a mother after an 8 year battle with infertility and then a rather sudden adoption, 3 weeks from applying to taking baby home, and to say that the last 7 months has been hard is an understatement.
    I love my daughter more than words could ever fully convey but I love going to work and I love my time away from her as much as I love my time with her. I read a fantastic article about parenting recently and statement that struck a chord with me was that parents should not be confused between the love for their children and the dislike of some parenting tasks.

    Reply
  55. Trudy

     /  July 3, 2010

    I clicked to your blog following a link from a comment you left on a friend’s blog. The irony is your comment was on an infertility blog. So reading the ‘about you’ was sort of painful, I have to admit. I have nothing to compare because I am infertile–desperate to be a mother but for some reason the universe won’t allow it–and no, I do not think that because I have struggled if I’m ever granted the privilege of being a mother it will be easy. But I don’t understand why you’d follow/comment on an infertility blog? You have what we want–and you have it three times over. I’m just flummoxed a bit.
    Anyway…I hope your days get easier.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 4, 2010

      Hi Trudy – I do appreciate the rathe “sick irony” the universe has metted out to people like you and people like me. To make it worse – and to probably hate me more – I never “wanted” to be a mother. I will just stand here a bit while you scream and put me on your “I really hate this cow list…” – but motherhood did come to me through choice, and when I decided it was right, and before that I had no desire to be a mother.

      My child was nearly the first baby I had ever held – I never played with dolls as a child, and never dreamt of the wedding and the house full of kids ….

      My struggle was how difficult motherhood was for me – and how it totally swept me into my own depression and hell.

      I totally get how this might annoy IF’s who would swap positions with me in a heart beat. I think when I had my own struggles I started to feel more empathy for soon-to-be mothers, already mothers-who-struggle and those who so desperately want to be mothers.

      I realise I can never know what an IF must go through or really understand thier pain, but I think the “moment” for me was when I looked at my son and thought that I woudl literally die for me, and realised the fierceness that I loved him … and that made me think of all those want-to-be mothers who were struggling on this road and may never get there.

      I initially applied to be a surrogate and that was back in 2002/3 and agencies then were not as jacked as they are now. When I spoke to an agency last year, again I was rejected as I had 3 c-sections.

      I could not find anyone that was willing to assist me in the process back in 2002/3. Unfortunately at the ripe old age of 38 I have stumbled upon egg donors – and was rejected as I was too old now.

      Do I feel guilty I have children so easily and others don’t – yes … do I feel guilty that maybe I could have got my arse into gear and did something to help just one couple earlier .. yes I do… Do I feel guilty that I have three children and sometimes want to run away while other women are literally dying every day to try and get a touch of what I have …. yes.

      Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 4, 2010

      To answer why I would follow a infertility blog … I really do not want this to appear condescending or that I have a matyr complex – but there is something in the rants and raves and pain and the tenacious desire even though everything points in the opposite direction that resonates with me. I have my own issues and I can’t always describe them … but something in their process/emotions really touches a chord with me.

      No doubt the fact that I post a comment on a IF blog probably does not help thier situation …..

      Reply
  56. Vanessa

     /  July 2, 2010

    Its so reassuring hearing that all mom’s don’t love motherhood. In my twenties I did not want to be a mom but always thought later I would. When I got divorced in my late twenties around the time I always thought my first baby would arrive I really I felt like the only thing I wanted was to be a mom. Then I met my husband and immediately let him know I wanted kids, we waited for a couple of years and then tried unsuccessfully. All the time the need growing to be a mother. Last year we adopted our son and I expected motherhood to be easy, I expected to love being a mom, it should have been easy. But it was not for me. Still is not. Its easier now than then. I have said to my husband that I now understand why those “missing people” go missing, sometimes I can imagine just driving and driving… But no I would not, tempting…. sometimes…. can’t really imagine pulling that one. Like why is it so difficult, baby needs a nappy change, why is he resisting, have tried reasoning with him, J do you want to keep the poop on all day? Seriously? Or can mommy change you? because really mommy does not enjoy changing nappies, mommy can leave it on?? Still kicking 19month resisting nappy change. arggg…. STOP IT J!!! Seems this guy fights me on most things, eating , nappies, everything…. so yeah sometimes running away is appealing.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  July 2, 2010

      Thank you for your honesty – it was quite a “tah-dah” moment for to realise that maybe I am just wired differently. Because we do not love being a mom all day and it doesn’t come naturally does not make us bad moms, it just means we have to work harder, and often take much more strain.

      I find motherhood a daily challenge – some days I win, some days I get beat …. and such it is.

      Reply
  57. Can I say I love you? (I know that’s weird but your story resonates with me in its honesty).

    I talk about that too as “twin romance” – I had a bit of that but when these babies were born I had a very rude awakening and as I say, I love the babies but don’t always enjoy the experience.

    And yes, I could not WAIT to go back to work to escape the madness!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  June 1, 2010

      I’m okay with outward expressions of girl-on-girl love .. it’s great. I am glad it resonates with you – when I started my blog, I literally felt I was the only person in the world who was experiencing these things … and that was a very lonely place to be at the time.

      Reply
  58. Hi Celeste,

    Just found you via Juggling Life. Love the way you write and I will definately be back. The pics you posted of Georgia’s birth are incredible – i don’t have pics from the birth of either of my 2 girls, both caesars, and I love to see.

    I am ex Cape Town, and always love to read bloggers from my home town.

    Take care,

    Shayne

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  May 25, 2010

      I’m glad you have found the blog – glad it resonates with you a little – look forward to your comments around the site.

      Reply
  59. Hi! just only saw your post on my blog about procare. you can contact me on mvoordewind@sars.gov.za

    tx!

    Reply
  60. Loretta

     /  March 30, 2010

    Dear Celeste
    I only discovered your blog today, which is a shame, because your motivations are so spot on and it is so helpful to know that other moms go through the same emotions of guilt and fear and angst and trying to be on top of career and still be supermommy. I do take my hat off though for coping with three. I only have one 20 mnth old (and that may be the sum total as I had him – after a bit of a struggle- when I was 40), but it is such hard work…Of course I absolutely adore him, but it is such hard work… So yes I feel constantly torn apart. I love it when he sometimes goes off to his grandma on a Sat morning, but then I feel guilty for enjoying my bit of alone time, because he is at daycare all week and surely I should spend all my time with him over the weekend? And as an academic I miss taking off to exotic destinations for conferences, but now that I have actually committed myself to once again attending one of those conferences in September, I am already having sleepless nights about being away for a whole week in another country.
    Anyway, thanks for the blog and for being able to lament…

    Reply
  61. julz

     /  March 16, 2010

    Hi there

    I love your blog and can relate to all of the above. I too live in sin with my partner (a man lol) and have a gorgous son. I am far happier working and could never be a stay at home mom unless I had oodles of cash and my son was in daycare.

    Thanks for being real.

    xxx
    julz (pf)

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 16, 2010

      Yes, I have often thought that if I was a stay at home mom, my kids would still go to school and after care. I can imagine afternoons involving sleeping and reading – sounds like heaven!! xx

      Reply
  62. ttcnot2easy

     /  March 15, 2010

    Hey Celeste,

    I love the way you write! I’ve added you to my blog list – really going to start looking forward to your updates!

    xx
    Lisa-Marie

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 15, 2010

      Thanks, I spend all night Saturday night reading your blog – I was just going to read the one post, then I realised it would not do it justice, so I went back to the first post and read from there to really try to get a feel for your story/journey. Thank you for gracious comments on my blog.

      Reply
  63. Mel

     /  March 8, 2010

    Hi there,

    i somehow found your site through PF!! So glad i did. I just read the whole car saga (the window story…) and am in tears, rolling on the floor..,i am not alone!!!
    I have, sit down now, 4 kids and a step son. I love being a mom-most of the time. My kids are 11,7,7,5 and 4 weeks. So it’s chaos at my house but there is so much love and laughter as well. Am 30 yrs old but feel older (as long as i dont look it..!!)

    I get you. It really is not easy and we tend to lose ourselves if we are not careful. Our kids deserve and benefit from us being moms as well as women with interests.

    Keep it up! I am loving your site!!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 12, 2010

      Wow Mel!! I can only imagine the type of household with that many kids – breakfast and bath time must be chaos of a proportion I can just not imagine. I have just come back from being away for 5 days – without kids – and I walked into my house, and all I could think was “I really cannot cope with all of this…” I am sure once I have a lie down it will be fine, but this life we have chosen for ourselves is very challenging, and sometimes we do not realise how much we put ourselves on the back burner. Please keep in touch, would love to hear you comments about your experiences – it might make mine look a little less insane!

      Reply
      • Mel

         /  April 7, 2010

        It’s really crazy in our houshold, esp breakfast and dinnertime! Kids have just gone back to school after the holidays and not a day to soon. I am lucky in the way that my kids have to spend half their holidays with their dad and they spend every 2nd weekend with him. We have arranged our weekends in such a way that mine are with their dad and my stepson is with his mom…so we have every 2nd weekend off!! It is a sanity saver!!!! Then we only have our 8 week old. I love my kids but am eternaly gratefull when weekends are over and school starts! My hubby is amazing, he helps a lot. He does breakfast and takes them to school and he knows how to put a load in! Am lucky in that regard. Am so jealous….would love to go away for 5 days. We really do put us at the bottom of the list. Sometimes i look in the mirror and dont know who i am besides mom and wife. Not that would ever trade it though. It’s not an easy road.

        Reply
        • reluctantmom

           /  April 7, 2010

          Definitely – the problem is when you do manage to run away from home and get over the guilt and self-loathing you realise how truly wonderful it is. And then you start planning more of these adventure sans-kids, of course then there is more guilt and self-loathing. I also think only moms suffer from this guilt. Kennith would happily palm the kids off to anyone and run off without a care in the world. I am jealous of him for his ability to do that so easily.

          Reply
  64. It IS possible to love being a mom, ever minute. I do. Honestly! But, as I mentioned in my previous comment, perhaps it is because prior to the birth of my son, I felt that I had never achieved anything worthwhile in my life. I’m not saying its easy! That would be a complete lie! Woman who claim that motherhood is easy are lying to themselves and to everyone else. But I love the challenges. My little boy is an angel and has been since he was born. But he’s only 9 months old, things will change! He will turn two and turn my life upside down! Right now though, I LOVE it. Sorry, but its true.

    Reply
  65. Ag ja, what can I say – I feel the same. I have this blogpost brewing about how people mis represent parenthood on blogs. I even have a category: It’s not easy being a parent. That says it all.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  March 4, 2010

      I belong to so many forums and read a lot of blogs – and I get really bleak when I hear moms start with “I love being a mom so much ….” it really makes me weep quietly. Surely they CAN’T love it all the time – surely not??

      Reply
  66. Love it! I absolutely adore (yes, really) being a mom. Purely because I feel that it’s been my only success in life. Of course it has been no easy ride: marital mayhem, mastitis and more … but I wouldn’t change it for the world. So looking forward to reading all of your past and future posts 🙂

    PS: Don’t know if I am being completely retarded (it is way past my bedtime) but I can’t seem to subscribe to your blog via RSS Atom? Any help would be appreciated!

    Reply
    • Thought my first comment had been sucked into the interweb … but there it is. Yes. Way past my bedtime!

      Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 24, 2010

      “your blog via RSS Atom” now you are scaring me – I don’t even know what that means ……. will need to find out.

      Reply
  67. I am yet to delve deeper into your blog but just reading your “About Me” section and the comments on it … I know that I am going to love it!

    I am apparently one of few who find motherhood completely fulfilling and utterly life-changing, but not because everything’s been “perfect” or “easy” since I became a mother in May 2009. I love every second (yes, really) of being a mother because I feel that I have never been successful at anything else in my life. Ever. So to have created this gorgeous little boy who (THANK GOD) sleeps through every night and is so incredibly well-rounded and happy (for now) has been my life’s greatest achievement. And I love that. It goes without saying however, that since my little angel was born 9 months ago, my (sometimes) supportive husband and I have had countless screaming matches, debates about how much love exists within our marriage (definite jealously issues on his part and my becoming a TOTAL nightmare during the first 6 weeks of Luca’s life), fights about money and growing up and drunken nights out etc … but, that’s life!

    So looking forward to reading more … thanks for the comment on my blog too 🙂

    xxx

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 24, 2010

      I am glad that there are all sorts of mothers out there – some who do it supremely well, and do not seem to struggle, while there are others like me who always looks a little lost, very confused, and is always late for something. I can well relate to you and your partner having your screaming matches and your bouts of “why am I with this person” – of course we have all had/have them. I am wildly suspicious of people who tell me their relationships have not taken a bit of a knock with the addition of a baby, which supports my theory that “three-somes” don’t always work!!

      Reply
  68. Hey Celeste – thanks for stopping by my blog.
    I read your post for today (16 Feb 2010) and thought for a moment I was reading something I would have written a while ago myself, give or take a few details…
    I have felt exactly the way that you feel and I have felt sorry for my husband, who at one point would come home not knowing what he was coming home to. And back then, we only had 2 kids…
    I have also suffered from depression and rage and guilt and feelings of abject inadequacy as a mother.
    I would be more than happy to chat and share what I can with you. Please feel free to drop me a mail!

    Reply
  69. May

     /  February 16, 2010

    Hi everyone

    I’m a mom to two boys age 3 and 1, and I’m expecting a little girl in May. I love my kids so much it hurts but I find parenting really difficult. There doesn’t seem to be any time left for me or for my marriage. My husband and I fight all the time about who’s turn it is. He has a demanding job and I resent him for escaping to it. I work full time from home but somehow I’m just expected to take up the slack. Not sure how we are going to manage with three?

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 16, 2010

      Oh May!! I really feel your pain. Isn’t it bizarre how we feel so isolated and abandoned, and once we get talking realise that there is a world of women who share the same burden and challenges.

      Kennith and I went through two – three years of hell when our first child was one year old. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was a mom and really lost regarding who I was, and resented him that his life just did not seem to change. You mentioned how “your husband escaped to work” and that is exactly what it was. We really do get lost in the mix. Everyone seems to have thier needs met, and we sort of come up last. We are also born martyrs though – and tend to put ourselves right at the back of the queue.

      Hell, I figure in for a penny in for a pound – 2 to 3 not that huge a jump if you ignore the fact that you will just never ever go to the bathroom alone again. xx

      Reply
  70. You sound very much like a person I can relate to!!!

    I fight depression.. I have ‘a partner’.. now fiance, but no real plans of marriage..

    and I find being a mom hard, exhausting, difficult and fabulous all at the same time.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  February 12, 2010

      Ditto – I struggle with it each day. Can’t qutie say it is the “best thing in the world” but it is definitely challenging and I love being a mom, just not every minute.

      Reply
  71. Mom2three

     /  January 27, 2010

    Hi Celeste,

    I too will echo the sentiment “I thought I was the only one who felt this way”…

    Five years ago, someone messed up my order and gave me two babies instead of one *rolly eyes* The five weeks that they spent in hospital following their birth are probably the sanest time of my life since then!

    On more than one occasion I remember thinking “I love my children with every fibre of my being, but at this moment in time, I don’t like them very much”!

    In retrospect, although I have a husband who was very hands-on and involved (he had to be, we didn’t have any live-in help), it was a very lonely time for me…

    The person closest to me and this “situation” that we found ourselves in could not understand why I was making such a big deal about how difficult I was finding it to be…if he couldn’t see it or didn’t find it difficult, then there MUST be something wrong with me, I must simply not be good enough/strong enough to suck it up and deal with it…And of course, talking to other women didn’t help either because all I got told was how blessed I was – blessed was the last thing I felt, when I had two screaming babies, and no chance to do something as simple as take a shower!

    We have subsequently had a third child, and I am enjoying motherhood so much more this time round….and then there is the guilt for not having afforded my twins the “same mother” *rolly eyes again!”

    Thank you for being being brave enough to share these honest thoughts and feelings, and for giving a voice to those of us that have been silenced.

    You might enjoy reading “Maternal Ambivalence” by Rozika Parker…

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  January 28, 2010

      Hi there, thanks for the recommendation – I will check it out and see if Kalahari.net has it and then pop along to Amazon.com and read the reviews.

      Thanks for your input and sharing your experience. I had dinner with some friends last night, most are moms – and it really is frightening how universal this feeling is that motherhood is not actually that easy, and we don’t all take to it like a duck to water. And just how reluctant moms are to honestly say how much of a struggle it is. I love the phrase “I love being a mom, just not every minute….” so true, so true!!

      Reply
  72. Wendy

     /  January 22, 2010

    Love your blog! I feel exactly the same way! Also thought it was only me. Keep it up.

    Reply
  73. Nicolene

     /  January 21, 2010

    Hi Celeste,

    Love your blog and your honesty, I absolutly agree that no one can prepare you for the shock of motherhood.

    My little girl is almost 9 months and I have only really started to enjoy motherhood (now that she is at chreche!!!) Hated the first three months – at one stage we were both crying on the bed for about an hour – and she stopped first.

    I think a big problem is the type of women we are – its more the loss of independance then the baby, more the fact that I havent read a book in 4 months, our Sunday afternoons naps, Friday cocktails etc etc… I miss those.

    I also think the whole natural birth, breastfeeding thing is totally overrated and further guilt – honestly to me its get them out as quickly and painlessly as possible.

    Even worse – after the birth of my daughter, my in laws moved in with us for 5 months (my house only has 2 bedrooms. She is of the old school, lived for her kids, didnt have a life until the last one moved out of the house, no routine, rock baba to sleep – and then there is me : Elective Caeser, breastfed for 2 weeks, sleep routine (so that I could get some sleep) day sleeps (so that I can get some rest!) – what a combination.

    It is really great to see someone brave enough to voice what I have only dared to think to myself.

    Thanks.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  January 21, 2010

      “Hated the first three months – at one stage we were both crying on the bed for about an hour – and she stopped first.” I laughed out loud!!

      Thank you so much for reading the blog and for your comments.

      I am encouraged that I am not as mad as I thought when I hear there are so many other people out there like me! I really am overwhelmed. For the last 8 years + I was convinced it was just me who thought and felt like this. Damn it is good to be part of a group! As much as we want to be unique and individual, we really take comfort in numbers!!!

      Reply
  74. Helen

     /  January 19, 2010

    This is fantastic!!!

    I love SA – have lived here for 15 years but often miss the directness of British women. Not anymore, thank goodness for you.

    Im a single mum of a 4.5 year old boy. 17 hours of labour a full term baby who nearly died at birth (ICU a week). A baby who fed every 2 bloody hours for ages and didnt sleep through blah, blah, blah. It was crap!!! It can still be crap!! I relate to the depression – on meds too. Guilt and depression go together.

    Many people drove me nuts and still drive me nuts about bringing up kids and what they need. Its not their fault – its how it is. I just want to be able to read a book, watch history channel, weed the garden – without talking, explaining and saying “no boy dont do that” I adore him, but blah, blah, blah.

    Now Im in a wonderful relationship with a coloured man (Im white) who has 3 kids 2 coloured, one half chinese, my little boy has red hair and Im as blonde as they come (not entirely I hope). We live near Pretoria so you have to understand how many accidents we cause when we are all together in Pick and Pay!!! My child calls people assholes because he mirrors my talented driving vocab. The guilt, the guilt, the guilt.

    What a fab idea, hopefully all like minded women will see this and we can gang up on the world!!!!

    Reply
  75. Standing ovation!!! Hands up, everyone!!!! This is real life….

    I do it daily as well – demanding job, two kids, no husband (yup, he left me a year ago), and NO ME TIME! There are so many like us after all…

    But guess what, I changed all that around, got a live-in nanny, started exercising, did a personal trainer course, started my own blog, established a CC, and I have found myself. Yes, there has been less time for the kids, but the time that I do spend with them now counts as quality…I concentrate on them fully when I am with them, because I am content and happy in myself. No more half-hearted attempts at attention, with a blaring tv in the background. We take ourselves outside, or we go and read together or we visit the petting zoo – real together time actually noticing the kids and their unique characters and allowing them expression time. Those quality 30 minutes may be short, but its intensity makes it far better than an average morning with no conversation.

    Of course, on top of all that, I got my body back, my confidence went through the roof, and I manage stress (and depression) through consistent daily exercise. I give the kids a better mom, one who laughs a lot and has a positive and energetic outlook on life.

    …But there are those moments when my eldest needs additional remedial reading classes or I worry why my youngest is taking longer to potty-train that I know that my attention is not always 100% with them, and the guilt returns. But I love them, and none of us are perfect. I do my best, like my parents (with all their flaws) did, and I turned out absolutely fine.

    Celeste, having spent an evening with you around a dinner table a few years back, I just KNOW that they will be absolutely fine too. Your sense of humour will make even the most difficult of moments pass and become just a bad memory.

    …and yes, if that does not work, take out that cork and have a sip.

    Reply
  76. Nicky Fabrik

     /  October 8, 2009

    Girl …. I feel ya i feel ya i feel ya!!!!!

    I sooooo broke the mould on this one ….

    I am 30 years old and have 4 children (yep … that was NOT a typo …. 4 kids ….. one boy aged 12 and 3 girls aged 8, 7 and 5) ….. I am white and married a coloured man (who impregnated me at the age of 17 – SCANDAL!!!!) …. hehehe …. I walk around with a mohawk …. and change my hair colour on a monthly basis (and we’re not talking black and red …… we’re talking blue, purple, pink, etc)

    My point: AWESOME AWESOME honesty gal …

    The “trip” that I have been on since the beginning of this year is “stop faking it”!!!!

    It’s time that ppl start taking off the masks!!! Motherhood is one of the most difficult things that one can ever go through ….. wait ….. I would have to say that it is the second most difficult thing EVER ….. and guess what the first is ….. hmmmmm …. dare I say ….. MARRAIGE!!!!!!!!

    BUT ….. what an awesome road to travel ….. being a wife and a mother has taught me that ……. there is definately a bigger plan here …. a bigger picture pertaining to YOUR life!

    Yes …… really difficult times ….. but the most fun ever!!!!!!

    I have plenty of stories to share …… and also have a passion for writing about the “truth” and “reality” of “wifehood” and “motherhood” …… I am currently busy setting up my own blog ….. but if you’re on Facebook …. please send me a friend request … (Nicky Fabrik).

    Ladies …. have an awesome day …. and be blessed!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  October 8, 2009

      Wow – you definitely have a story to tell there. I think for me the blog has been really therapeutic. I really used to get annoyed with having to smile sweetly and say “everything is fine” when in reality things were crumbling and I was hanging on with bleeding nails.

      I think the more honest we are, allows other women who are going through motherhood to be a bit more honest with what reality is like out there. It’s tough – and sadly there are no medals for martyrs.

      Thanks for reading and the comments xxx

      Reply
  77. JJ

     /  October 1, 2009

    Hi Celeste

    I have a almost 7 year old and an almost 1 year old. Its damn hard work, many times I feel like I want to get in my car and keep driving.
    With my first son, I had to be the perfect mom, wouldnt accept help because nobody could do it better, he didnt sleep for more than half an hour day or night, i was a zombie, everything just passed by in a blur. With the 2nd baba I am actually enjoying him more as I am more relaxed and going with the flow. He is such an easy baby. In saying that its really hard trying to cut yourself into pieces to try give a little piece of yourself to both kids, hubby and find time for yourself!!!

    great blog

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  October 2, 2009

      That first baby is really really hard work, and you are just killing yourself trying to be all things to all people. I think it is something we always struggle with as moms. I find myself still getting into a real situation because I have over committed and am just running myself ragged.

      I’m glad you are enjoying the blog, and can relate!!

      Reply
  78. Liezel

     /  September 10, 2009

    Hi Celeste,

    I think this is going to mean to you as much as to the rest of us, who is trying to find the balance between all those responsibilities of partner, mom, employee, shopper, cleaner, doctor, gardener, party organiser, you name it.

    I laughed so loud at the reality of your stories, of which we truly need more. It simply makes one realise that you are not alone in those moments of “insanity”. Being able to have a good laugh looking back is bliss to the soul. It also makes you realise how strong you can be and what you are made of.

    God trust you with those beautiful little angels and in your difficult times he is there to guide you and give you strength. You are doing a great job and I often admire your courage.

    Keep it coming, we are not all earth mothers, but we are doing the best we know how!

    Reply
  79. Tania

     /  September 9, 2009

    Just so to the point and oh so true!!! (I think someone should also do something like this about the ‘joys’ of marriage, especially from the minute you come home from your honeymoon to to 1st 3 years of marriage… without children… 🙂 ) The best thing you can do for yourself, Celeste, is write about it if its easier than talking about it,… you will not only heal yourself but at the same time, this way, you are helping many other Mom’s. I love being a Mom but continually suffer with the GUILT of not doing enough with my kids, working full day, being tired in the evenings, wanting my own time on weekends but by Monday morning find I had no ME time. I have a very hands-on Hubby but he has this wonderful nack of just switching off… as our 20 month old daughter runs through the house like a tsunami and ends up bashing me in the face because i have nodded off on the couch… and he sees and hears NOTHING!… why can’t I just switch off, or, take my bag and walk out for an hour?… GUILT, that’s why. Please keep this blog going, you are going to help many Mom’s and getting it out there will help you accept and face the next challenge. Love, Tania.

    Reply
  80. Deidre

     /  September 8, 2009

    Love it, love it, love it!!!

    I’ve just come back from leave and have a lot of catching up to do but as soon as I have I will read through your blog properly and comment accordingly, but so far, I love it.

    I took a weeks leave just to chill at home and catch my breath and my kids are upset and asked “mom why didn’t you rather take leave when its school holidays so you can be home when we are home?”, to this I had no answer to give them but honestly its why I took leave now, so that I could also “hide” from them a bit….. so I feel you my friend. And then my son, who is 16 and shouldn’t really bother so much with his mom says, “mom I wish you never had to work because since you’ve been on leave you are in much better a mood than when you come home from work….”. THE GUILT!!!

    So well done, can’t wait to read it properly and for the updates.

    Much love
    Deidre

    Reply
  81. Nicky

     /  September 8, 2009

    You sound as confused as I generally am. I also have a “partner” who I live with and have a child with, but also no wedding plans……. and I loathe and detest explaining to everyone the situation, (when I too dont really know the answer??)and even worse, the embarrassing moments at the doctor’s or the pharmacist. I eventually just nod when people refer to my “husband” and call me Mrs whatever,but it gets to me! big time!

    I’m also the mom of a divine little boy, and most of the time I think I’m a terrible mom cos I sleep on Saturday AND Sunday afternoons, and I sometimes(most of the time.) read my book instead of playing with him and I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, and why, oh why do all my friends seem like perfect moms, huh?

    It’s great to her that I’m not the only one…..

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 8, 2009

      Nicky, you and I just became soul-mates!!! You and I were probably seperated at birth as I have the same issues with the school/the pharmacist/the doctor – and I hate saying “my boyfriend” as that makes me feel about 12 years old.

      Please keep reading, I do appreciate your comments.

      Reply
  82. Mandy

     /  September 8, 2009

    Hi Celeste, you have hit the nail on the head here. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old and it’s darn hard work. I love my bambi’s more than life itself but often am so tempted to just drive straight their schools when picking them up in the evening so that I can have a night to myself and then quickly *reality* sets in and I have to stop the car to get them. At least I have a hands-on hubby who is really great and doesn’t mind if I want to go to the shops on my own on the weekend but after an hour or so the guilt overcomes me and I feel it’s my duty to go take over from him again. I reckon 9 out 10 moms feel the same as us and that one other mom clearly has a fab life of people running around doing everything for her instead of us doing it ourselves. Am so glad I came across this site. Will be checking in on a regular basis for sure. Keep up the good work moms!!

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 8, 2009

      Before I started this blog, I used to whisper these things – as I was convinced I was the only person who was a bad mommy – or a good mommy who thought bad thoughts – like how can I hide from my kids and get a quiet hour or two!! I think the stress of seeing so many perfectly presented mommys who just loved everything about being a mommy started to really get me down – when in theory all I wanted to do was run away ….. I confessed to it again on Sunday night when I had had an entire day of my two month old screaming her head off.

      It really is great not to be the only one.

      Reply
  83. The friend that made you do this..

     /  September 4, 2009

    I am so immeasurably proud of you for saying the things that we all think. I wish I had been brave enough to admit it earlier in my life but we all make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. The things we can’t rectify, we can always ignore or cover up in some wine-induced haze! I do hope that this blog becomes a regular (I could wish for daily but that puts too much pressure on….) as you are an incredibly talented writer. Keep writing friend – there are the makings of a book here!

    Reply
  84. Annika

     /  September 3, 2009

    Hi Celeste,
    I don’t usually go fo these bloggy things but your posts so far have been great. I have a 9 month old… very cute but he does not stop jumpimg – allday, everyday, 24 hours a day…..Three children? I don’t know how yu d it. Really I don’t….
    Hope you keep blog up!

    Reply
  85. Shakira

     /  September 3, 2009

    Hi there!

    I too am a reluctant mom! I believe there are many of us around but we feel like we have to hide our true feelings because the media (and other women) have made it all look so easy! no thanks to celeb moms (with their hidden entourage of nannies and maids) we now are forced to try and always be the bright bushy-tailed moms you see in magazines or face scrutiny from others who havent been through what we’ve been through.

    I am a mother to a beautiful 8month old daughter who’s teething at the moment and I am once again 4 months pregnant, due in Feb 2010. Not too sure how I’ll manage it all because I have an even more reluctant husband and I am so exhausted all the time what with the sleepless nights trying to calm down “the teether” plus the exhausting effects that pregnancy has on one’s body. That plus working full time is just killing me and yet I still want to do my best and come home at the end of each day and play with my daughter and keep her happy! It’s tough work & no body ever warned me it would be this hard!

    But at the end of the day you love your child and when you sit back and see how they’re thriving due to your efforts (no matter how reluctant…) its all worth it.

    Reply
    • reluctantmom

       /  September 3, 2009

      Dear Shakira

      Yay for you – I could not agree more. There is such a media frenzy that we must LOVE being mothers all the time, when the reality is that being a mom is bloody hard work, and probably the most under-appreciated role there is. I love my kids, but you know sometimes I really don’t want to be anywhere near them and enjoy going off and doing the things I enjoy. But there is of course this guilt that tells you you must love it all the time, like the pictures in Living and Loving.

      It would be great for the truth to be out there more, and woman to appreciate that they can be “good enough” mothers. We don’t have to get it right all the time!!

      I hope you enjoy the blog as it develops!!!!!

      Keep well
      Celeste

      Reply
  86. Sue

     /  September 3, 2009

    Oh Celeste. If only we had had access to all this when we were pregnant! I love it – its brilliant. Well done you! xx

    Reply
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