Sh*tty Mom ….. This book ….. I must have ….. anyone read it yet?

shitty mom

Caitlin Moran would be my fantasy dinner guest ….. she is already my girl crush

You know how you are asked (actually no one ever does ask you, unless you are a celebrity and being interviewed by some journalist who has run out of interesting questions, and then asks the interviewee if they could invite 8 guests to dinner who would they be) who you would invite to dinner.

Who would you like to sit down with?—- my list is still a work in progress.   I am pretty sure I would have the following people sitting around a table:

Caitlin Moran

Louis CK

Anne Boleyn

Amy Schumer

Bill Bryson

Lee Harvey Oswald

John F. Kennedy

Edward John Smith – Captain of the Titanic

Assuming you have a table big enough, a chef to make the food, and a ton of wine, it would be great.

I could make a different list tomorrow – depending on my mood then.  So this is not all the people in the world who I think would make good dinner conversation.  I do think Julius Malema may add a touch of “something different” to the evening’s proceedings.

My number one guest would be Caitlin Moran.  I am so girl crushing on her that I can’t even express myself without squealing and flapping my hands around.  It’s all very disconcerting.

I picked up her first book “How to Be a Woman.” 


I didn’t love it as much as I went mental.  Lost my mind.  Totally.

I kept saying things like “why have I not met this woman?” ….. “why isn’t this book compulsory reading for women and girls?” ……. “This is like a How to be a Girl/Woman manual —- this should be issued when you get your vagina, why is this not happening?”

The book made such a phenomenal impression on me that I immediately passed it on to another reader of my blog, and they in turn passed it on —- I do hope that the book is still floating around out there and being passed on in some sort of Red Tent ritual, rather than just lying on someone’s bookshelf.

If it is collecting dust somewhere, feel free to send it back to me —- I would happily read it again.

Read “How to be a Woman” by Caitlin Moran – – your mind will expand, and even if it doesn’t, you will be filled with such mirth and joy that you will smile for days.

I read “Moranthology” published in 2012.  I decided not to send this one around, as I knew I wanted to read it again.

I recently read “How to Build a Girl.” I am not a professional reviewer but when I pass this book along to friends to read all I say is “Fuck this book is funny.  Read it, it is fucking funny.  Stop talking to me, take the book and go and read it now.  Enjoy.”

I recently saw a coloumn written by Caitlin Moran and it deals with the fact that as women, we are smaller in stature, often not as strong, not as big, not as easy to actually kill our partners as our male counterparts.

She covers this subject in a no nonsense manner and makes it clear that women, have to put their trust in someone who is probably able to kill them without even breaking a sweat, show an facet of bravery that can’t be compared or described.

It’s really funny and enlightening — go and read it now:

Caitlin Moran

This should be compulsory reading for all girls and women.

Caitlin Moran takes names, kicks arses and basically rules the universe.  We bow to her brilliance!


Exclusive Books are giving books away …..



Okay, they are not actually giving them away for nothing, but they are giving them away for a lot less money that you would spend under normal circumstance.

I went along last year to the Exclusive Books sale, and I can tell you without any hesitation, that it was the best freaking SALE ever.

I do love books, and all things book related, so the idea of walking into a warehouse arrangement with trestle tables piled high with books was a bit on the orgasmic side for me.

I love to smell books, I love to touch books, books tick nearly all the things I need to get my senses running on an all time high.

This year the EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALE is running at Canal Walk  —- I am imagining rows and rows of table of pure deliciousness.

The SALE OF THE FREAKING YEAR runs from 28 August – 14 September, 09h00 – 21h00 and is going to be situated opposite Entrance 8, which is near Game and they are using the store that was used by Khoki before.

Here are some tips for preparing for the sale – I want to pass on my wisdom to you:

1.  Have a good breakfast.  Keep the liquids to a minimum, you do not want to have to drop your stash to go for a urine break.  Alternatively fit a catheter.  You can get the basics from your local hardware store.

2.  Do some basic stretches — it may come down to speed and you grabbing something before someone else does.  Focus on upper body and arm work — legs aren’t going to be that important.

I do suggest doing these stretched before you get to the sale, but I guess if you have a leotard and want to do it there, no one will object, but you are losing valuable shopping time whilst you show us how you can bend it like Beckham … but to each his own.  However with some of these stretches your very relaxed vagina muscles might squeeze out a bit of urine, so I think add some dry wipes to your bag just in case.

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3.  Try not to have any hand luggage – this will include your bag, young children, your husband or a cup of anything from Vida Cafe.  The longer you hold something, the more chance you have of missing out on all the good stuff.

4.  This is one of the few times where you will be permitted and encouraged to wear a fanny pack.  Keep some lip moisturizer stick (not the tub kind) available, your credit card — you may want to sort out your credit limit or an extension before you get there.  I am going to put a few high protein snacks in as well — I don’t want to get dizzy like the last time.

5. Test your clothing before you leave home.  Check you can walk really fast — no running involved, but there are going to be moments when you spy a book on a table, and  it is the last one, and then you notice some other shopper who has also seen the book.

Having clothing that you can move fast in is going to come in helpful.  If you have to the lip moisturizer stick you can also use it to strike her to distract her, she will then drop the book and the “finder’s keepers loses weepers rule kicks in”.  No one ever expects to be stabbed or struck with a chapstick, so it is a useful tool in your arsenal.

Okay this is a shank used in prison, but it is nearly the same thing.

6.  Leave children at home — trust me on this, you want to stay focussed and dedicated.  Kids are really of no use to you on this outing.  Leave them at home, lock them in the car, or tie them to a bench outside, but do not bring them to this sale.

7.  Ditto for husbands, partners, sperm donors –— you may want to match kids up with their respective fathers on this day and get them to go somewhere.  Else.  Together.  But not here.  With you.

baby daddy

8.  What ever plans you have made for “after the sale” — cancel them.  Chick, there is no time after the sale.  The sale is an all day affair.  And you are going to be exhausted afterwards — and also you are going to want to unpack all your books and look at them.


9.  Think strategy —- how much can you reasonably carry?  If it is not a lot, then you need to be doing some “jerk and lift” exercises now already.


10. Take along some heavy duty canvas bags, because you will not be able to carry it all in your hands.  Your shoulders may get sore with the weight of the bags, so I suggest grabbing some of those heavy duty Kotex sanitary pads, and just wedging a few under the bag strap.  Sure people are going to snigger, but you will be respected when their bag straps are cutting in to their shoulders and you stand their with your gloriously relaxed shoulders with no big red welts on them.  Winning at this, you will be.

11.  Think Xmas — you can purchase so many of your gifts right there and then, so go along with loose list in your head of who you can buy books for.

This is also a fantastic defense when you get home with a trunk load full of books — if anyone judges you and says “well, fuck how are you going to pay water and electricity now??” then you can just say: “These are Christmas gifts … for the CHILDREN, for gd sake have a heart —– its Christmas!!!”  You may need to practice that line a bit to make it sound like it is actually Xmas, because in reality it is August, and well, no one is thinking Christmas right now.

But points to you for thinking and planning ahead.


12.  Invest in a camelbak — these things are great for EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALES and when you are finished using them to drink from, they can double as a catheter bag.



12.  Amateur Hour is having your partner/husband drop you off and he will come back later to collect you.  This is a SALE people, not a freaking play date.  Drop yourself off and leave when you are ready, or out of money — which ever arrives first.

I hope this handy little guide helps you, and you have an awesome EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALE EXPERIENCE!!