Have I told you how much I hate birthday parties?

I love your children’s birthday parties, but I truly do not enjoy the planning and co-ordination that goes into a birthday party for my children.

I would love for them to have a truly spectacular birthday party.

I would love it more if I have absolutely nothing to do with the planning, and just come as a guest.  I want to be rich enough to employ a party planner, and then give them a large wad of cash, some basics outlines and walk away from the entire matter.

For one, I procrastinate.

I do not get all pinterest and make a huge album of great ideas for birthday parties.

I also think that kid’s birthday parties have lost touch with reality – moms go all out to prove they can throw the best party, either to indicate how much they love their child or to show up moms who cannot order a Happy Meal without forgetting the toy.

It is just all gone on so overboard.  The end result is that you also need to up your game or your party just looks like 2 cupcakes and a cheap candle!!

I barely get in under the wire to book a suitable venue and order a cake on the right day.

Then as I think I am getting some sort of momentum, I put together the invites, and this is about the part where I truly lose what is left of my very delicate mind, and my very thin level of ability to like other people.

What the helvetica is it about parents (yes moms) who cannot RSVP timeously?  Get the invite, decide if you like the child enough to go, check your diary, make a decision, rsvp – easy as shite.

I supply an email and a cell number, so in no way does the person actually have to speak to me.  You can sms or email me anytime.  Even at 2 am.

Really, just a “howzit, see you at the party” or “howzit, sorry won’t be at the party” – less than 144 characters, decision, push and send response should use up less time than it takes you to change a tampon.

But, each and every birthday party is the same shite.  Send invites.  Make it very clear in the best possible language you would appreciate it/love it/offer free blow.jobs if they just rsvp by the date you have indicated.

Usually in bold uppercase, and if you are feeling slightly pissy then you would add italics as well – I have considered attached a LCD light  so the date and time that I am begging for an rsvp for flashes.  Repeatedly.

Even with all of this more than 1/2 the stupid and rude parents do not rsvp.

So, I am stuck wondering if they are just not “rsvp people” and I should still plan for them to be there – you know cover the cost per child, order a party pack and all that, as if they arrive.

It is not the parent who is going to feel like a right chop, but the kid who is going to stand there like “orphan annie with no party to go to” as I go “hey what I surprise, did not realise you were coming, errrrr…………..” , or do I assume that they are “not rsvp people” an dnot coming, but are just rude as fk not to tell me.

Am I the only person this happens to?

Should I take this as a personal slight?  Are my children that unpopular, that parents do not RSVP in the hope that they hold out to see if they get a better invite for the same day?

Every year this crap annoys me, and this year is no less annoying.

Next year Georgia/Isabelle/Connor will be having a “take my two best” friends to a movie and a lunch – pick two friends, and bring them, that is all.

Fk this dozen kids shit.

Do I sound a bit annoyed?  You have no idea!!!  Just RSVP for cheese and rice, what the hell is wrong with you?

<<official club badge, I am president, busy looking for an executive committee, if interested please let me know ….. >> 

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Children’s Birthday Parties are a Health Hazard!

I am sitting watching Scared Mom/Charlotte updating Facebook and her blog with all the work she is doing for her daughter’s birthday party – it feels like I am watching a nervous breakdown in process, or at the very least someone who is one Mickey Mouse ear away from going postal.

Charlotte is planning a party – her child’s party and that is about as painful as an enema with VIM.

Watching Charlotte spinning out of control and turning Mommy-Partyzilla is mildly amusing, but a bit unsettling because I am exactly the same, so it is resulting in some post-trauma flash backs to my own experience with me planning and orchestrating parties.

For me parties stop being about the kids who are coming to the party and all about how I am going to outdo myself from last year.

The parents who I need to impress.  The right cake from the right bakery.  The outfit my child will wear.  The photographs.  The organising.  The lists.  The party packs. It all gets too much, too quickly, and I spin out of control, as I add another stupid thing to the list of things to do and to stress about.

And so it goes on – my 6 week stress run up to my kid’s parties strip the life and the joy out of them for me. Every last morsel of joy.  Sucked out.

I hate kid’s parties.

No, you misunderstand, I like coming to YOUR kid’s party.

I HATE arranging, organising, paying way too much, stressing, getting annoyed with stupid people who do not rsvp, wanting to yell at people who rsvp on the morning or the night before to say they are not coming, or “oh yeh, do you mind if we come….” and the worrying that everything will not go to plan.

I hate the associated stress that comes with organising my kid’s birthday parties.

It is January, and you know what?  I cannot tell you the joy I feel that the next time my “turn” pops up is June.  I get 4 – 5 months of happiness and raucous party abandonment and do not have to give it a second thought.

I NEVER enjoy my kid’s birthday parties.

I am too busy, too exhausted, too frazzled to pay attention to what is going on.

Mentally I have a checklist and I am too busy ticking off what needs to be done and when, to actually have a normal conversation.  Logically I keep telling myself “it is only a kid’s party, calm the hell down…” but then I do not. I blow it out of proportion, and when I start booking the ponies, the jumping castle and the magician, then I know I have gone too far.

Problem is I can’t pull myself back, and the only way to behave when you are going OVER THE TOP is to step it up and see if you can book a bucking bronco as well.

Trust me, when my turn comes, I will be thrown in amongst the non-sensical-crazy-blubbering-saliva-on-your-chin-RAMPANT-madness that infects nearly every mother when they know their child’s birthday party looms.

Why is it that fathers do not seem to have their “I am fkn losing my mind” party gene?

Next time around I would like testicles – as they seem to be linked to a relaxed mood and party planning – this ovaries and oestrogen lark is really a bit much.

Good luck Charlotte.

I will be there with my brood, and some screw top wine – for me, not my brood, they can get their own.

If you opened a bag of marshmallows and Flings and threw them on the lawn and let the two-year olds fight it out, they would probably have an equally as good a time, but I know that once Mommy-Partyzilla fever hits, it is just downhill and an anxiety attack from there on in.

Good luck!!!