Buckle up beeeaaaatches ………… public service announcement

I had a car accident last on the 12 February 2016 {listen I cannot even make this stuff up} …. its like karma is telling me I had it too good at some point, and now it is coming over to just show me how bad it can actually get.

Oh karma, no one wants you here — now go away.

I had just dropped the kids off at school, and I was driving on the same road I have driven for 9 years (so far – several more to go, lucky me).

Good weather conditions. Good visibility. I was no distracted. I was driving along as I do.  No rush, I was heading home to work.

The car in front of me had stopped to turn right (it was a dual road) – she was waiting on the on-coming traffic to clear so she could turn.

She was in the right place, she was indicating, she was doing nothing wrong.

The road is wide enough so that if someone is waiting to turn right, you have enough space to veer to the left of them and pass them without much issue (assuming no one is cycling or running on the side of the road) – its all very orderly and safe.

I do it every day – some days I drive this road 4 times, so I am well versed in how the traffic flows and how the road works.

For reasons I cannot explain – I just did not see her.

Fortunately the road climbs up a bit and there is a slight turn and there is a set of robots at the top of the hill (sort of thing) – so you are not bearing down at full speed, so are probably puttering along at maybe 40 km/h or slower depending on the morning traffic.

I saw the car in front of me when I hit her.

It was such a surreal moment.  I was driving.  Then my car sort of stopped. I felt my seat belt (thank fek I always wear a seat belt) pull me back – everything went in slow motion.

Stuff flew around the inside of the car.

I felt my head get pulled back, and my hair did that curtain thing on the side as my hair continued at the original speed I was moving at.  But in slow enough motion that I thought “mmm strange my hair looks like Sia’s in that video… – actually more the dancer when she is wearing the wig and dancing and her hair keeps swishing past her face..”  … the crazy shit you have time to think about when you are not flying through your windscreen.


Earlier in the morning, my daughter had sat in the front seat and had knocked my makeup box open, so my makeup had opened and was on the floor. I had picked up a few items and put them on the seat next to me, and was going to deal with the rest when I got home.

One of the foundations squirted onto the window – no idea how that happened.

Clearly strange strange things happen when a moving vehicle hits a stationary one.

Neither of us was hurt – I was a bit bruised and my neck was a bit sore, but it was muscular, nothing more.

My car bonnet (with the engine) looks like a tent.  I don’t think they are designed to do that.  I hit her at full speed front on (me) – her at full force almost full back/back passenger side.

It was not even a “shit …..” brake, skid and then hit someone, I skipped that entire part.


The car had to be taken away with a flat bed truck – it was not in a good condition, it was not going to be driven anywhere.

The other driver was able to drive away, her car was very damaged – but she was so very nice about it.  There was not the expected screaming and hitting me with a dull metal tool she found in her boot – she was very concerned for my well being and she was just very nice about the whole thing.

When clearly I was the “doos” who just wrecked her car.

No one was hurt.

I am pretty sure that my insurance (lets all fall on the floor in thanks for insurance) is going to scrap the car — I think the damage of the car is just to severe for it to be repaired (based on it’s book value and all the other things that statistical analysts use to make up probability theories and such stuff — clearly I have no idea how the magic works behind the scenes)

Okay, that’s my story.

If there is a lesson to learn here it is — wear your FUCKING SEAT BELT!!! Kids in the car should be buckled up.  If I had a child standing behind my seat between the two front seats (as I so often see on the morning and evening drive to collect and drop off kids) that child would have been head first straight through my windscreen.

Buckle up bitches!!


Image source:  http://nme.assets.ipccdn.co.uk/images/2015GrammyAwards_Sia_Getty463027570_10090215.article_x4.jpg

Plowing a field with a VW Caddy …. true story



This is possibly how you can plow a field….


This is not the right implements to use to plow a field ….


Last night I was driving in the Somerset West area.

In my usual way I had ignored my GPS thinking I knew better.

I didn’t – I ended up travelling a route I had not traveled before.  But it was fine, I wasn’t in a rush.  I stopped at a petrol station-come large shopping complex and bought jelly beans and some cooldrink — as you do.

It was around 20h30 or so.

Got back in my car and continued driving.  I knew sort of where I was. I wasn’t lost, so I wasn’t scared, but I was driving a route that I had not driven at night.

No worries.  I had jelly beans.  What could go wrong?

I took a slip way, that I assume like most slip ways, was a straight road that got me off a road and put me onto a national road.

I took the slip way, accelerated, glanced down at the holder in my door to grab my cooldrink, and when I looked up.

I realised I had been wrong about several things.

Jelly beans are not great driving snacks, they make you thirsty.  Glancing off the road for even a split second is less than ideal.

The road it seemed took a 90 degree bend to the left.

This I did not foresee.  It was dark, no street lights, and I thought it was a straight road.  There were no signs saying “hey lookie here this road just fucks off in the total other direction” ….. and no lights to make you realise where the road ended and the field of bad dreams began.

The part where I realised I had made an error was when I looked up and there was just no road.

I was on that gravel/loose tar pieces that usually sits at the end of non-existent roads.

I abandoned the cooldrink.  I slammed on brakes and my VW Caddy with all it’s weight and speed just continued forward.

It was that moment where my life flashed before your eyes.  And everything I have ever stored in any compartment in the vehicle was suddenly jettisoned and appears to fly through the air.

I remembered that for some reason there was a plastic brick under my seat and I wondered if I was going to get that in the head.

I knew there was a large tool kit in the overhead space, and if that hit me in the head, well that would pretty much be the end of where my head would continue to work in it’s present state.

It felt like I had an exhaustible long time to think about all the things in my car, as they sort of flew around the inner cabin.

Then the gravel/loose tar area ended and I found a grass embankment — I continued to brake, because well I had fuck all idea what else to do.

I just wanted to keep the car going straight —– I knew that if I lost control this mother of a car would roll, and well that would be bad for me and the plastic brick under my seat.

And the jelly beans.

I left the gravel area and then moved into a grass field.

No matter what they say about VW Caddies, they are NOT good for plowing fields.

It felt like I plowed that field for a kilometer, and then the grassy knowle kind of came up to meet me.  My car ended up ramping – a little bit {of course in my mind’s eye it was flying through the air for kilometers} – and sort of ending up firmly wedged in a ditch sort of number.

I will be honest.  I traveled through time and space. It lasted a split second.

The car eventually came to a shuddering stop.

Well abrupt halt.  As you do when the nose of your vehicle finds itself firmly embedded in a grass embankment.

I took stock.

What I mean is I said FUCK FUCK FUCK —– FUCK FUCK FUCK —— then took a breath and said FUCK FUCK FUCK — HOLY MOTHER FUCK. JESUS.  I may have named a few other deities, just to ensure I was working my way through every possibly religion.

Eventually I settled on FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME ….. which is not always the right thing to say.  When in a dark field.  By yourself.  In the middle of fuck knows where.

Once I realised I was still breathing, and had all my extremities sort of working.  I tried to start the car.  Fuck yes it started.  I then tried to move forward. Er, no, sorry you have used up all your points for this evening.

I stumbled out of the car — I actually stumbled. It was a muddy field. Dark. Like nothing.  No where.

I thought okay, find phone, stumble to road, phone for help — figure out where the hell you are.

In so doing a passing car nearly ran me over.  She also missed the turn.  She then got out of her car came over to me, and asked if I needed a hug.  Of course I do, strange person.  No I really did — we stood there and hugged each other like we had both just discovered the secret to how they get the chocolaty bits into Haagen Das ice-cream.

After we hugged.  I stumbled back to my car.  I am not sure why, I thought if I just went over there and stared at it, it would miraculously get out of the fucking ditch and I could carry on with my evening.

I seriously fucked up a really good pair of high heel shoes.

At this point two tow trucks arrived, an ambulance — I then told them about the jelly beans and the juice.

The ambulance personnel suggested I take a little walk with them — I reassured them I was fine. I was not hurt.  I was just totally fucking floored.  And maybe starting to toddle into the area of hysteria.

My friend arrived to help me.  My car was so firmly entrenched in that field, that nothing was going to get it out.  I was so relieved to have somewhere there to help me, because I needed all my energy to have a total breakdown.

Martin, the tow truck driver then set up a little pulley system and pulled my rather large car out of it’s position.  He was so brilliant.  I might have also told him the jelly bean story.

I think I was a little hysterical.  And obsessed about jelly beans.

Lady in the car said she would stand with me until my car was out.

Car eventually came out.  Body work was well a bit like you would expect it to be after plowing a field.

I got into the car to drive it to my friend’s house – which was pretty close to the now plowed field –  because there was no way I was going to get very far in it’s present state, or back home.

I have been driving for about 20 years. I have never been in an accident.   Not even a fender bender.  I was absolutely freaking my bean out there on the side of the road.

Last night shook me to my core. I feel petrified of how that could have gone. I feel relieved and thankful that it had gone so well. I feel an overriding urge to go to the bathroom and throw up.

I feel like I should say LUCKY ME.  Because fucking hell, LUCKY ME —- it could have been so much worse.  LUCKY LUCKY ME!


{if any part of this post sounds half baked, it is because I did not sleep on Monday night, I am over tired, over wired, I have just taken a handful of make me feel a bit less stressed, anxious and just over the top —- and my sleeping tablets are also kicking in —– so apologise if any of the above sounds like …… well like I have a concussion or an internal bleed …… or just need to sleep}