Facing your fear —- and property24 ……

I am often paralysed by my fears.

I come across as a reasonably confident, articulate and bright person.  The reality is that under it all, and not even that deeply under, I am a quivering mess robbing someone of their village idiot.

I try to give the impression of not being shy nor lacking in confidence.    The reality is that I am shy, lack courage, lack confidence and will gladly go and cry in a corner if something chips away at the outer shell.

My newest tactic is that I keep a facade going.  I do it pretty well, but it has it’s Achilles Heel and that is that the moment someone pokes a hole, even one tiny little hole into the outer wall, then the entire facade crumbles.

I have been building facades for so long, that I don’t know how to do it any other way.  Over the years, and with some really good therapy, I have definitely managed to become more of who I am, and less of who I feel I have to be.

It is a daily struggle, and reverting back to the knee jerk protective position, is firmly entrenched in my psyche.

Stupid things overwhelm me, whilst the big things I can often take in my stride.

I have been in quite a state regarding the idea of having to sell the home I live in at the moment.

I have not moved many times in my life, so the idea of putting all our possessions into boxes, and going to somewhere new scares the living crap out of me.

In my usual manner, I managed to create a catastrophic outcome.  I could only imagine how bad this will go,  how bad the outcome would be, and it was all pretty horrible.

My mental picture of where we would live, was not a good image.  It usually involved a one roomed flat in {enter as bad a suburb as you can think of}, with thin walls, a toilet we shared with the rest of the floor, and us all sleeping in one bed.  The kids would be lice ridden, we would not have TV, and I am almost sure the kids would need to walk the 9.6 km to school.

The more I thought about it, the more I created outcomes that were hideous.  None of my fears and imagined horrors have any foundation in reality.  This kind of mental losing-the-plot is never grounded in any sort of reality.

I dealt with it, by trying not to think about, which of course meant I thought about it all the time.  And the outcomes needed to get more horrific each time I gave the thoughts free reign.

I sat down with my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy guy and he asked what was worrying me the most.   I explained my real estate dilemma.

I explained what I thought, the way my mind was running and the fact that I was paralysed with fear.

We chatted and we worked through the reality versus the catastrophe thinking that I was presently running with.  CBT is not about just telling you to be happy, and then you are.

It is talking through a fear, understanding what you are scared of, then giving you realistic tools to assist you to see realistic outcomes.  Once you have a few of those tools, and you focus on the reality and not the catastrophe, your mind does start to go “oh, well that is not so bad …. is it?” and then it sort of calms the fuck down.

That last phrase is not a technical term, but you understand the gist.

At the end of the session he gave me some homework to do:-

1.  Speak to a bank official who deals with bonds, and get an idea of what you qualify for.  Once you know that it will assist you to know what you can afford, and where you can look.

2.  Look at the areas where you would like to live – that are not going to make you feel like you are disrupting the kids lives too much.

3.  Start looking at properties in the range of the bond you can afford, and get sense of what is out there – how big or small these homes are, and really what  so one.

All very logical things to do.

When your mind is so overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty, it is very hard to remain logical, and think through things in a rational manner, because your point of reference is fear.  Naked.  Sweaty. Ugly fear.

I left his office, and did the things he suggested I do — once I had some specific information and facts, the fear subsided.

None of this is a conclusion I could not have come to myself, but where I was in my head space was not going to “allow” me to be rational.

I no longer feel this overwhelming strangling fear that soon we will need to put the house on the market and move.   It does not make me happy, it does not fill me with joy.

I do still feel sad and scared, but it is not overwhelming.

I am not looking forward to anything in the process, nothing.  But now that I can replace the mental picture of chaos and end-of-the-world-as-we-know it, with something tangible, I am no longer that scared.

I can breath, and function.  Deep breath. Deep breath.  Reluctant Mom keep your shit together!!

 

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Puts hand up and waves …..

I really have been unable to blog as of late.

There is just too much going on in my head to find the one thread of sense to put a blog post together.

Instead I have been journalling like a mad woman.  Furious writing.  Thoughts.  Emotional vomiting.  Stuff and things.  Just trying to work it all through in my head.

It is more doodling with letters than actual journaling, but my crazed notes are everywhere.  Random thoughts.

The post before last was a bit hectic – and I was really at what could easily be described as the lowest most painful place I have been to in quite some time.

I had my own concerns that I would not survive that day.  That week.

I am still feeling a bit shaky, and a bit uncertain.

I get up every day, go to work, attempt at being productive and try to be sociable as much as I can.  I try to give the impression that I am keeping my shit together — most days.

There are other days when I am feeling like I have got it together, and that I am better than okay.  That I might be alright.

But those are only on some days.

I have decided to return to cognitive behaviour therapist I saw about two years ago.

As much as I love the therapy that has you lying on the couch talking about about my mother and having the other person go “uuuhhhmmm” and “yes, I hear you” and “and how did that make you feel?” I got so much benefit from working with Dr J previously.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is such a powerful tool.

It has helped me immensely in the past, to try to move out of “catastrophe thinking” – it’s the thinking that no matter what happens or occurs, you start to think the worst is going to happen, and plan accordingly.

Great for the end of the world, not so much for every day thinking.

I have found that I tend to ruminate with something negative.

It runs through my head over and over again.  I relive the situation in every detail, over and over again.  Then I beat myself up about it over and over again.

CBT definitely gives me the tools to realise that my thinking (in some instances) is faulty and gives me the method of how to change that thought process.

By changing the way I think or process information, changes the way I feel about something, and has a natural knock on to change the way I behave and and and ….. I am simplifying it, but you sort of get the idea.

Not quite “think you are happy and then you are happy” stuff – but it helps me to crawl out of the constant negative and bad feelings that often overcome me.

Kennith and I have worked through all the details that are “the divorce” and at this stage paperwork gets sent to a lawyer who prepares them and as we have finalised and agreed on the details, it means that it goes through as an “uncontested divorce” – so that should not require too much energy.  And blood.  And tears.

This is me telling you I am alive.  I am okay.

I may not be 100% okay, but I am a little bit okay.

I have faith that I will heal.  I will be more than okay one day – and each day I feel a bit stronger, and I can glimpses of the me who I will be.

Long road still to travel — no doubt there will be a few rolls back down the hill, but there we go.  Moving forward.  Baby steps.

 

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