You are abandoning your children and other helpful bits of shit people say …..

I have really been struggling to blog.

Not because there is nothing going on worth blogging about, but because there is.

There is tons going on in the world worth commenting on, kids head to school tomorrow (every mom in the freaking world high fives the air right now!!)

I struggle to find the path of what I can blog about.

The demise of my marriage with Kennith is on my mind, we are divorced and dealing with all that comes along with that.  There is often things I want to say, but for reasons that are purely my own I feel like my mouth is taped, and I can’t speak.  I can.  I just feel I can’t.

anxiety02

Stuff rattling in my head is not a good place for me to be.

My head is not a quiet space. My head is not a soothing space.  That has always been why I blog, to get the shit out of my head, so my head can be a quiet place.  Or at least have a semblance of what a quiet place might be like if everyone had their medication on time.

To be honest the constant ebb and flow of our divorce, and adjusting to life as two separate people with children we share,  takes up quite a bit of my mind space.

We have made some decisions, which will change the landscape of our living and our children quite dramatically in the not too distant future.

It fills me with trepidation, and anxiety and I worry constantly whether this is a good decision. The decision came from me, and it was not a choice I made, it was a decision made out of necessity.

I cannot tell you the amount of sleepless nights I have had fretting about this and trying to turn this over in my mind and to find an alternate.

The alternates were not workable, and the decision I made feels like the “right decision” but at the same time it is not one that fills me with joy or happiness.  I am stressed and strung out to the max, my nerves are frayed and I am having a hard time over here trying to look sane and composed.  A hard fucking time.

I really would cry if I could – I just feel so pushed to the limit, that I feel if I cry then it will open an ocean of tears, and then I will not be able to function.  And this decision is not about me anymore, it is about the kids and what will happen with them, and how we maintain a sense of calm, and ensure that they feel that “nothing changes.”

I sat and told someone close to me about what was happening and of all the reactions I felt were “okay I appreciate that is your thoughts on the matter” hearing: “you are abandoning your children…” has got to to be the one that cut me to the core — and I did not really have a suitable response for.

I went with” errr……” which seemed about the most appropriate thing I could manage at the time.

I really wish to spread happiness and unicorn farts, but seriously some days people can be a waste of skin.

I am not going to go into too much of the stuff and things right now. It  is not an easy decision, it is not one I have made lightly, it is not one I relish.

It is not one I would do if there were other options —- its the decision you make as an adult when your back is against the wall, and there just is no other way.

So ….. I am busy doing that, and if my own flagellation is not enough, I have the echo of “you are abandoning your children” echoing in my head.  Lovely.

Okay, so I am off to bed to stare at the ceiling a for a few hours, then fall asleep about an hour before I need to wake up.  Happiness.

 

Image source:  http://www.refinery29.com/2015/07/87447/photos-show-what-its-like-to-have-general-anxiety-disorder#slide-4

Advertisements

When the wheels fall off …..

Jeremy Lipking

I get really frayed around the edges when things do not go to plan.

I am not suggesting I am someone who is unable to adjust to the things that life throws at me, or that I am unable to adapt when the situation calls for it.

I can adjust my sails and pick a new course without too much ado.  I am pretty flexible, and though I might first stand there like a deer in the headlights, I make decision and remain flexible in most situations.

I will confess that the last month has had one too many whoppers for me to deal with.  This last week I have felt exhausted, and very sleepy, and by the time Friday rolled by I was already feeling like I was stretched that little bit too thin.

Then VODACOM came along and by the second hour of being bounced from one department to another, I think I lost the last remnants of my mind.

I could feel a full scale panic attack coming on whilst I was standing at the NOT ACTUALLY A VODACOM, BUT LOOKS LIKE A VODACOM store at Century City.

My heart rate was up, I could feel that breathing was starting to feel a bit laboured.

I was sweating up a storm, and I think I stopped blinking.  I really was not having a fun time, and the fact that it was allowed to escalate, really felt like a donkey had kicked me in the nuts. Or if I had nuts where they might be.

I was actually unable to think clearly after that point and the balance of the day was spent in full scale panic and anxiety melt down.

Kennith came over to do dinner with the kids, and he made a suggestion about my phone which was quite obvious, but in my now panicked situation, I just could not get to myself.

On reflection, this has been a bit of a month:

1.  I resigned, and left a structured employment arrangement for a wide open risk situation.

2.  A friend died in a car accident.

3.  I had a very surreal phone call from a friend about that friend, and how that friend felt about me – which made me ask all sorts of questions about myself.  Life and stuff.

4. I had a car accident – which scared the living bejesus out of me.

5.  I had to deal with insurance brokers (who were more than organised, and pleasant to deal with), arrange to get a rental, and then of course there is the assessor queries and all of that – and feeling constantly that I had done something wrong, or how I could have done this much damage to my car.

6.  Kennith dropped off the final papers to submit to High Court.  I had seen them before, so there was no surprise there — but the fact that I was holding a set of papers that was our divorce papers.  Reality, set in here.  In spades.

7.  I worry that I have bills to pay and shit to do, and do not have a pay check that is going to be clearing in the next two days.  <add increased heart rate and sweaty palms here>

There are of course a few other things that are happening in my life — no big deal stuff, but it does sometimes feel like I am a bit frazzled.  Friday was the moment when my little train going up the hill going I think I can- I think I can …. just said, fck this shit, I am going off road.

Just going off the edge of reality.  Don’t worry, I will send you a postcard.  I can’t call you … because well you know, but I will send carrier pigeon or soemething.

I know I had a bit of a shit fit about my phone — but it seriously was the last straw.

I really started to have some real concerns about my welfare on Friday night —–

On Saturday night I still had NO SERVICE on my phone.  I did call VODACOM again, and pretty much had written my life off at that point, because I could not face being bounced around by them.

I spoke to Kendric in Data – Technical or something of that nature.

He was pleasant and helpful, and resolved the issue quickly.  He did try to end the call with a little add on sale ….. I didn’t hold it against him.  Thanks Kendric, you have not quite restored my faith in VODACOM, but you have managed to assist me having a slightly saner evening.

And for that I am thankful.

I hope your week is a good one —– where ever you are …. and how ever you are spending it.

 

Image sourced:  Contemporary Artist Jeremy Lipking – his work can be viewed here.

I really am dreading Valentine’s Day this year …

140211_Fuck Valentines Day

Valentine’s Day is usually not a big day in my calendar.

I think Kennith and I were whoop-di-doo into it for the first few years.  But then it just got naff, and turned into Woolworths dinners brought home.  And then after time, even that sort of faded away.  It’s also jammed in right after Xmas, and right after Kennith’s birthday.

I am not a bit Valentine’s Day person.  I am not going to burden you with the usual moaning stance of “it is such a retail hyped day” and and and …..

The brilliance about being in a long term relationship is you can sort of be a bit snide and blasé about the whole V-day thing (valentines day, not vagina, one can never be blasé about vagina day).  Because you are in a relationship, and you can sort of a be a bit “oh, we don’t have to worry about that sort of thing…” and watch Valentine’s Day kind of shift past you, and hardly raised a well defined eyebrow at the entire thing.

As divorce looms, and the idea of being a 42 year old single mother with three children appears to be my potentially new Facebook Status Relationship update, the fact that Valentine’s Day is coming around on Friday does make the bile in my gut sort of sneak out my sphincter muscles.

Both sides.

Valentine’s Day is just another day on the calendar, but this year it sort of marks the “first Valentine’s Day” in two decades where I have had to feel a bit “spare” on a holiday/retail hype day/Friday.

It does mark the beginning of a road of “days” where I am not quite sure how to deal with it, or how to prepare myself for it.  Uncharted territory shall we say.

Today is Kennith’s birthday – again the first birthday in two decades where we have not celebrated his birthday together.

He did invite me to dinner with the kids and his family, but I can’t do a polite dinner when I feel there is a huge freaking elephant in the room, and I just cannot smile that long ….

There will be my birthday, the children’s birthday, Christmas and every other holiday and high-day that I have always known where I will be, and who I will be doing it with.

Right now I feel a bit sick at the thought of this new journey.  Every one of these stupid days that will be the sign post of this new life, called Divorced, or Soon to be Divorced, or Nearly Divorced …. or Reluctantly Divorce … or “yes, it’s all a bit of a fuck up” … choose the term that you feel the most comfortable with.

I am still trying out various version of each, and haven’t quite found “my one” yet.

I really would like to hide under the covers, watch back-to-back seasons of Games of Thrones, and hide from the world.  With a large bottle of wine, and an equally large bag of Chuckles.  But I need to wear my Big Girl Panties, and actually just get on with it.

But it’s Valentine’s Day, so I just may go and work at the school’s fete and butter rolls for hotdogs.  That is actually an option open to me at the moment.