Exclusive Books are giving books away …..

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Okay, they are not actually giving them away for nothing, but they are giving them away for a lot less money that you would spend under normal circumstance.

I went along last year to the Exclusive Books sale, and I can tell you without any hesitation, that it was the best freaking SALE ever.

I do love books, and all things book related, so the idea of walking into a warehouse arrangement with trestle tables piled high with books was a bit on the orgasmic side for me.

I love to smell books, I love to touch books, books tick nearly all the things I need to get my senses running on an all time high.

This year the EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALE is running at Canal Walk  —- I am imagining rows and rows of table of pure deliciousness.

The SALE OF THE FREAKING YEAR runs from 28 August – 14 September, 09h00 – 21h00 and is going to be situated opposite Entrance 8, which is near Game and they are using the store that was used by Khoki before.

Here are some tips for preparing for the sale – I want to pass on my wisdom to you:

1.  Have a good breakfast.  Keep the liquids to a minimum, you do not want to have to drop your stash to go for a urine break.  Alternatively fit a catheter.  You can get the basics from your local hardware store.

2.  Do some basic stretches — it may come down to speed and you grabbing something before someone else does.  Focus on upper body and arm work — legs aren’t going to be that important.

I do suggest doing these stretched before you get to the sale, but I guess if you have a leotard and want to do it there, no one will object, but you are losing valuable shopping time whilst you show us how you can bend it like Beckham … but to each his own.  However with some of these stretches your very relaxed vagina muscles might squeeze out a bit of urine, so I think add some dry wipes to your bag just in case.

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3.  Try not to have any hand luggage – this will include your bag, young children, your husband or a cup of anything from Vida Cafe.  The longer you hold something, the more chance you have of missing out on all the good stuff.

4.  This is one of the few times where you will be permitted and encouraged to wear a fanny pack.  Keep some lip moisturizer stick (not the tub kind) available, your credit card — you may want to sort out your credit limit or an extension before you get there.  I am going to put a few high protein snacks in as well — I don’t want to get dizzy like the last time.

5. Test your clothing before you leave home.  Check you can walk really fast — no running involved, but there are going to be moments when you spy a book on a table, and  it is the last one, and then you notice some other shopper who has also seen the book.

Having clothing that you can move fast in is going to come in helpful.  If you have to the lip moisturizer stick you can also use it to strike her to distract her, she will then drop the book and the “finder’s keepers loses weepers rule kicks in”.  No one ever expects to be stabbed or struck with a chapstick, so it is a useful tool in your arsenal.

Okay this is a shank used in prison, but it is nearly the same thing.

6.  Leave children at home — trust me on this, you want to stay focussed and dedicated.  Kids are really of no use to you on this outing.  Leave them at home, lock them in the car, or tie them to a bench outside, but do not bring them to this sale.

7.  Ditto for husbands, partners, sperm donors –— you may want to match kids up with their respective fathers on this day and get them to go somewhere.  Else.  Together.  But not here.  With you.

baby daddy

8.  What ever plans you have made for “after the sale” — cancel them.  Chick, there is no time after the sale.  The sale is an all day affair.  And you are going to be exhausted afterwards — and also you are going to want to unpack all your books and look at them.

 

9.  Think strategy —- how much can you reasonably carry?  If it is not a lot, then you need to be doing some “jerk and lift” exercises now already.

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10. Take along some heavy duty canvas bags, because you will not be able to carry it all in your hands.  Your shoulders may get sore with the weight of the bags, so I suggest grabbing some of those heavy duty Kotex sanitary pads, and just wedging a few under the bag strap.  Sure people are going to snigger, but you will be respected when their bag straps are cutting in to their shoulders and you stand their with your gloriously relaxed shoulders with no big red welts on them.  Winning at this, you will be.

11.  Think Xmas — you can purchase so many of your gifts right there and then, so go along with loose list in your head of who you can buy books for.

This is also a fantastic defense when you get home with a trunk load full of books — if anyone judges you and says “well, fuck how are you going to pay water and electricity now??” then you can just say: “These are Christmas gifts … for the CHILDREN, for gd sake have a heart —– its Christmas!!!”  You may need to practice that line a bit to make it sound like it is actually Xmas, because in reality it is August, and well, no one is thinking Christmas right now.

But points to you for thinking and planning ahead.

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12.  Invest in a camelbak — these things are great for EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALES and when you are finished using them to drink from, they can double as a catheter bag.

camelbak

 

12.  Amateur Hour is having your partner/husband drop you off and he will come back later to collect you.  This is a SALE people, not a freaking play date.  Drop yourself off and leave when you are ready, or out of money — which ever arrives first.

I hope this handy little guide helps you, and you have an awesome EXCLUSIVE BOOKS SALE EXPERIENCE!!

EB(1)

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Inside report back on the Exclusive Books SALE!!

I am not sure I can effectively describe how brilliant this morning was.

I went along, and wanted to make sure I was there at 09h00.  I am  nerdy like that.

The glory of walking into a small warehouse with trestle tables, with more books than you could easily set fire to.  I started at the one side of one trestle table and worked my way through very systematically.

I brought along three of the canvas Woolworths bags – and thought that would be more than enough.

Who am I kidding? I filled two of them before I was even finished on trestle table one.

I loved it – everything about it.  The helpers at the SALE were phenomenally friendly and helpful – it is the first day, and possibly by day three they will be slightly jaded and less friendly.

They kept offering me cupcakes!!  Books and cupcakes – if they had swung around with a cup of tea, I might have kissed them with tongue right there and then at trestle table three.

I bought more books that I could ever read (as if!!)

I bought books for Xmas and birthday gifts.  They had Gruffalo stuff there as well – I have realised I do not buy Gruffalo stuff for the kids, I actually buy it for me.

They had lots of children books, and I totally spent the children’s university fund on those.

I bought three books on how to discuss the subject of your children growing pu.bic hair and other fun stuff – so Connor will be in for a treat, from which he will want to die shortly.

To add to the spoils, they had a lot of the things they sell at Exclusive Books – the mugs, the reading lights, the iphone covers, bookmarks, key rings, and all of those cool things there was all – also calculated by weight!  Can you say “going absolutely ape shit?”

I really really bought A LOT of stuff.

Way too much – I did get that frenzy behaviour and start to foam at the mouth —- but I am now going to start saving 10% of my salary towards the Exclusive Books SALE next year, so I am more prepared.

It is so worth a trip to the sale –  prepare before hand.

Take some bags to carry your loot, take some water as at a point you start to feel dry mouthed and a bit panicked that you will not have the strength to make it through, but focus, and keep on!!!  Do not take children with you – really they will distract you from you being able to pour over all the tables.

Have a bag that you can wear strapped across your chest or put your wallet in a fanny pack – keep your hands free, because at a certain point you will start behaving like a rabid-infected-book-monger.

I assume that they just keep bringing new stock through – while I was trying to pay, they kept arriving with STILL MORE THINGS.  It was so difficult to leave.

Exclusive Books – fabulous flipping sale!!  Definitely added as the highlight in my calendar.

If you are in Cape Town, if you can drive to Cape Town — get there —- now!!!

Find out more information about the sale here ———————>>