Blogs by the Numbers ….

I realized my hit amount had crept quietly passed 200 000 and I had not noticed it (there is just a little over 202 000 – which seems like a pretty good number)

I really should of at least organized a cake or something, maybe a special bottle of wine.  Ah, what the hell I am drinking a glass of Robertson Chenin Blanc as we speak “cheers..”

In the spirit of the number, I thought I would quickly glance over my other numbers.

My first post: Pee on a Stick why don’t you.

The date of my first post: 2009/08/21 (blog birthday technically)

My busiest day: 2,986

The amount of comments: 4496 (or there abouts)

The person who comments the most on my blog is from  countesskaz.wordpress.com

(bless her cotton farming socks)

The post that is probably my favourite post:   Throwing the Baby out with the Bath Water.  I have written a few others that I was really “proud” of, but this one is still one that I look at and smirk a bit.

The post that made me laugh: An Arrow from Parow.  I laugh at myself when I read it, because it is still true.

I am not sure exactly what the psychology is behind blogging and why someone carries on with it.  But I know that it is part of who I am and what I do.  I enjoy blogging and I get something out of it.  I am not sure exactly what, I can’t really quantify it, but I enjoy writing, and I really enjoy the comments when I get them.

Blogging does help me to work through some of my things, and does help me not feel so lonely that “it is only me who thinks this way.”  I have realised that many of my issues are not as unique as I have often led myself to believe, but there are many people out there who “try hard to appear normal” when inside they feel alone and not normal at all.

We mimic “normal” to fit in.

I will blog for as long as I need to, or want to, and then I will stop, because then I won’t want to, or maybe no longer need to.  Maybe.

I do not make money from blogging.  It costs me nothing more than time.  It does however somes times come at a personal cost – as I do sometimes do or say things that have a ripple effect in my life and those ripples are not always good, and sometimes have dire consequences.

I do feel that it gives me more than I have to give away.  I have met some interesting people through blogging – and forums.

I have reduced my social media interaction since late last year – and have reduced my blog reading to virtually zero, and dropped out of forums pretty much all together.

It is not that I do not want to.  I am aching to read what people are up to.  But I have realized that I am unable to keep a good gap between “other people’s stuff” and “what is my stuff” – so the easiest way to break the cycle was “to go cold turkey” – I no longer read blogs {and I miss it like a lost limb}, I do so want to read and catch up with everyone’s lives.

I will confess to sneaking on to Moomie twice and I trolled around, but I realized I cannot read forums without getting totally wrapped up in them, and some of the “old feelings” came back, so it ws better to click away.

I read other blogs on occasion – but seldom – the moment I feel that “twinge” that I am starting to get involved, I click away.  I don’t get involved, I get committed and consumed …. my stop valve does not work very well it would seem.

I have also “removed” myself from reality television.  I no longer watch shows about other people’s lives as a way to distance myself from mine.   There is nothing quite like watching your evening get sucked up in some mindless and senseless reality show — and then you start fretting about why Kim is such a bubble head, and why ……. ah never mind, really it is best not to watch them at all.

Thanks to you the 200 000 odd (both in number and type) if you are reading my blog.

And really THANK YOU (sincerely) if you have taken the time to comment – I enjoy every one.  Even the creepy guy Steven with the gmail account who leaves questionable comments.

{thanks}

Arguing on the Internet …dick rating …

Julie Hall sent me this and I thought it dove-tailed rather well with yesterday’s post.

Hello ….. my name is Reluctant Mom and I am an internet addict …….

So, one of my issues (several) is that I have started slipping further into cyberspace and further out of reality.

I began to dodge real-life things so that I could spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums, and just cruising around the net.

I got really irritated with the kids because if they would just stop demanding time from me I could herd them into their beds, and spend more time on-line in blogs and on forums.

It became extremely important how people in cyberworld viewed me.  CRITICALLY IMPORTANT IN FACT.

Their comments lifted me up as well as smacked me down. If I did not get recognition for it in cyberspace then it did not matter.

I would read, re-read, and re-read my comments to ensure that it sounded right in my head.  It was not unusual for me to read one of my comments 12 – 18 times before pushing send/reply/publish and often changing it several times over.

Each time I read it, I would read a more critical tone into the wording.  I would read the way other people would hear (read) and then I would pre-judge myself (before they did)

Any comment made or given in reply was fraught with angst.  I always read the worst in to what anyone said to me or about me, or as a comment to me.

I would push the refresh button constantly on the look out for the response.  I literally would hang on waiting and waiting for the response.  As much as I dreaded a critical word, I would hang and wait for it.

I would be devastated when my comment would hang there in cyberspace without a reply comment.  My worst feeling was being the last person to comment on a thread.  I felt like I was Jane-no-mates and had killed the conversation when mine was the last comment.

This of course fed into my sense of “rejection” and “I did not matter to anyone.”

Real life and cyber life started blurring around the edges.  I felt that real life was a bit too tricky to remain present in, so the blur of cyberlife became much more appealing and much easier to navigate.

In cyberworld I did not feel as awkward as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not feel as self-conscious as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not fret over my every word and action as I did in real life.

In cyberworld I did not feel so unpopular and such a misfit as I did in real life.

I felt I was knowledgeable, liked and respected in cyberlife, while in real life I was everything but.

I did not think people had ulterior motives as I felt they did in real life.

Until I did.

Sooner or later, unfortunately I followed me where ever I was.

Sooner or later, I started to feel as awkward, as self-conscious, as guilt laced, and wracked with self-doubt on blogs and on forums.

Every word uttered by everyone was judged according to what I thought of myself.  It was always seen as judgemental/critical and pessimistic, no matter how “jolly” or “supportive” the writer tried to be.

Fortunately I am not a gamer or a gambler.  I have no real interest in throwing large sums of hard-earned money at an imaginary world where I buy cyber-cool brands and furnish my cyber-home and purchase a cow.

I am just not that into that side of it.  Fortunately.

But I will admit that my fixation on blogs and forums and Facebook and googling-random-things did get totally away with me.  It became all-consuming and I totally allowed it to get away from/with me.

It allowed me to hide further away from some of my real issues.  At the same time it fed into my irrational feelings and judgement about myself, and escalated the negative light in which I see myself (and several others around me.)

In short, it skewed my perception of reality.

I really missed my blog, so I have cautiously started lurking around here a bit.

I do miss several other blogs and forums that I used to read/follow religiously.  Right now I just needs a bit of time to “get my shit together” before I start lurking through other people’s lives.

I apologise if I have not been by to visit.  Please do not take it as a personal insult or slight on you. Right now I just need a bit of space to find myself, or at the very least not loath myself.

But onwards and upwards.  Right?

<I thought this was quite an interesting tool.  http://www.keepmeout.com/en/ >