The list of Bizarre Things all women have done at least once ….

What-Women-Want-To-Hear

1. itsjill

Do shower math when you wake up to see how long you have to sleep and if it’s even worth showering or go back to bed and put your hair in a bun for work.

2. klcna

When hairs fall out in the shower I don’t want to clog the drain so I put them on the shower wall and do a little swirl so they are neat and ready to be put in the garbage when I’m done.

3. bekahrama

Laughed or coughed so hard when you’re on your period and more blood or a blood clot comes out. Then you have to do a quick waddle walk to the bathroom cause you feel like you just turned on the faucet.

4. cupcakegiraffe

When you think nobody is looking, you readjust your bra, stick your hand in, pull ‘em up one at a time, straighten the band and straps, and add an extra squeeze to make sure everything is in its place.

5. circus_snatch

Sit in a strange position when farting, so the fart bubble does not go up the cooter.

6. MoreNutella

Tried on a shirt that was too small, then started to panic in the dressing room after realizing how restrictive it is when you can’t get it back off over the boobs.

Start thinking that you either have to 1. buy the shirt and live in it now, or 2. they’re going to have to use the jaws of life to remove it.

7. flying_pekinese

After shaving, wear silky or satin-y PJs.

8. femmenon

I roll around in my bed going, “SMOOOOOOTH!”

9. JMango

Open my mouth really wide while putting mascara on. Also, redoing updos 30 times even though I’m pretty sure it looks the same every time.

10. wadyflamers

Kegels. Kegels in meetings at work. Kegels in the movie theatre. Kegels at dinner with friends. Kegels everywhere. If you’re talking to me, and I’m sitting, I am definitely kegeling.

11. Drenken

Instantly every girl who reads this does a Kegel.

12. amandalauren

Got on all fours in front of a mirror to see what doggystyle looks like from the dude’s perspective.

Not bad.

13. antichrist_superstar

When you wear a tight pair of pants and there is the seam that creates a little bulge right in the crotch, when you sit it presses against your vagina nicely, so you wiggle back and forth a bit to enjoy it. I can’t be the only women that has felt it or enjoyed it.

14. febreeze358

Don’t have a tampon when you start your period… fold up toilet paper, place in the middle of underwear, struggle to pull up pants without dislodging the padding, walk unnaturally in an attempt to not mess up the paper… failure. Just… failure. Bloody, shredded paper in your underwear when you get home.

15. fandabidozichu

Cup shower water in my boobies then unleash the water torrent on my walls/toes.

16. KlaireBop

Spending 30 mins in front of the mirror trying to get the “cat eye” liquid eyeliner just right. So far I’ve never succeeded.

17. Waitwhatnow

Place hands in crotch for warmth.

18. thenewchornogrophers

That amazing back/stomach scratch when you take your bra off after a long day. Best feels ever.

19. reighbooker

I stick my hand down my pants all the time- watching tv, playing on the computer. It’s not sexual, I just hold my lady while I watch Netflix.

20. rcmeadows

Measure to see if our hair can cover our boobs/nipples in a playboy manner when just down. We all do it, I am sure of it.

21. sociallyawkwardjess

We masturbate to fall asleep quicker. But once you have one orgasm you’re like, oh wait, I can have another. So begins a vicious cycle.

22. KMKSouthie2001

Enjoy the rush of freedom and lack of constriction that comes from taking one’s bra off at the end of the day. Be free, my titties!

23. RosieJo

Sometimes I look down at my nipples and think they’re too soft and big so I flick them to make them small and pointy.

24. scoopl

Double checked to make sure I didn’t accidentally put in two tampons. Let me die of embarrassment now.

25. _dreamline

When trying to poop in public we try to pretend we’re not in the stall and act dead silent if someone comes in. We won’t poop until they’ve left the bathroom. If they came to poop there is usually a poop stalemate. Nobody wins in a poop stalemate.

In other situations in a public wash room: keeping the flusher held down while taking a tremendous dump to avoid smell and noise. Don’t deny you haven’t done this!

26. goatcheese

Purposely don’t shave vag when going out to avoid a hook-up.

27. iamseriously

The period check. When you’re sitting down, you “accidentally” drop something and while you’re bending over to pick it up, you sneak a peek between your legs to make sure you’re not leaking.

Also, indiscriminately doing the “check” for ANY fellow female who asks, regardless of who they are — even your worst enemy or someone you’ve never met before.

28. HiOnAir

Period Paranoia: Make unnecessary trips to the bathroom before or during period time. It’s lik hammertime, backed up against a wall, shuffling to the bathroom- except a lot more sad.

29 Missionblack

Squatting like a baseball catcher to stretch out freshly washed jeans.

 30. bobtail

Only shaved what’s necessary. Knee-length skirt? No need to shave higher!

Please pop along and nominate this blog – http://www.kidzworld.co.za/competitions/mommy-blogger.html

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The annoying and persistent begging starts ….. cloaked in humility of course ….

It is that time of year again – the Kidzworld Mommy Blogger Competition has started.

I cringe slightly as this is about the same time that I start  appealing to your ability to click on the badge and Nominate Me.

I will do it subtly (not so much), so that I do not sound as desperate as I feel when I am faced with these things.

The next step will be my constant pestering that you “please, for the love of gd go and nominate me …”

When that is done,  there will be ever more begging and pleading, with some grovelling.  I may even promise tasteful nudity – and repeat updates on my Facebook status of “please pop along and vote” or something of that ilk.

I will always appear to sound non-nonchalant and “oh I do not worry about that sort of thing … ”

Heads up.  It is all a lie.  Of course I care.  You get a shiny badge, bragging rights, and on-line vouchers and a batch of books!!!

I would like to say that I am above this.  I would, but let’s have an honesty moment.

I would like to take this opportunity to prepare you for the “oh my heavens, I am just honoured to be nominated” or there might be a bit of “oh for fuck sake just go and vote —- after all I have done for you” which will eventually end in “I really no longer care if you vote or not it is a stupid competition….”

This statement will be associated with constant and annoying re-checking and hoping that I at least make the short list.

I will constantly keep wondering if I was a bit nicer, swore a bit less, and really made more of an effort I could climb over the dead and bleeding bodies of my competition … and was far nicer to sponsors would that have helped?

I will tut-tut, avert my eyes and say things like “oh that silly competition … it really does not count for anything …. really I am so not bothered..”

I am the Sally Fields of Mommy Bloggers — pick me, pick me, you must really like me –please do not leave me standing her in my stupid PT shorts and no bra -because-I-have-no-breasts-and-my-,mom-refuses-to-fork-out-for-a-crop-top-which-looks-like-a-bra PT shirt.

sallyfield-meme

Yes I do realise this entire post sounds like I need to pop back to my Dr Pill and ask him to up my Serequel and Serdep … but there you go, it’s been that sort of week.

1311_Mommy Blogger

 

Here is the Nominate Button – there really is absolutely nothing in it for you, this is truly all about me — I would like to say that you win a lucky draw or something, but it seems not.  This is all about me and my four year old child The Reluctant Mom Blog vying for first place with all the other really pretty and talented children/blogs vying for your vote.

sa-best-mommy-blogger-competition-2013-nominate-me

 

You can pop along to the site and read about how the competition works, and all of that jazz, but here is the Executive Summary:

1.  Click on button and nominate Reluctant Mom – I will be doing this until the 30 November 2013.

2.  The blogs with the most Nominations will be sorted into the top 10 or top something number.

3.  There will be a new button that will really try to convince you to go and VOTE assuming that The Reluctant Mom is shortlisted – this will go on until 15 December 2013.

4.  There will be several days of checking and re-checking my email and hoping that I get somewhere in the Top 3.

5.  Then it is finished.  Everyone takes their bow, there is a bit of air kissing, and a fair amount of “shit, I lost, but hey the winner blogs are really fantastic” …. oh I am so honoured just to be on the short list.

6.  Everyone goes home eats too much cake and drinks too much wine!

 

Harrassed Mom launches {Mommy Blogger Awards}

Laura over at Harrassed Mom has got tired of this sitting around crap  and waiting for someone to kick start a 2012 Mommy Blog Awards, she stood up and created her own.  Er, can you say ROCK STAR!?  Like a freakn SUPER STAR ….

Cripes, when I grow up I want to be like Harrassed Mom.  But between now and then I will just fall down in her shadow and wonder how the hell she does it, because right now I could not organised a box of doughnuts without getting myself worked up into a lather.

How it will work (RM > cut and pasted from Harrassed Mom):-

  • You, as the reader, nominate a Mom Blogger by sending me an email on why you feel she deserves to win.  I don’t really want an essay – just a few lines on why you enjoy her blog, what makes her special to you etc.
  • We will then narrow it down to 5 finalists – our decision will not be based on who got the most nominations but rather what was said about them (RM > do you NOT ADORE THAT IDEA??)
  • Once we have 5 finalists we will then put it to a vote and a winner will be chosen.
  • We will take nominations until the 10 August.
  • The finalists will be announced on the 13 August when voting opens and it will stay open until Friday the 17th August.
  • There will be a winner plus 2 “runners up”

The Prizes

There are some amazing ladies on board who have donated prizes.

The winner will receive,

The 2 runners up will each receive

Pretty awesome don’t you think? (RM >Yike a doodle, I do so think!)

The rules are simple.

  • The nominated blogger must be a mom.
  • She must blog at least twice a week.
  • She must be South African.
  • The blog must be a personal blog.

You can send all your nominations to laurakallmayer@gmail.com

I really hate stick figure families

Do you drive around and see cars with the stupid little “family” stickers on the back window?

A saw a comment on a website recently and thought it was apt: “I see those little white family stickers everywhere…nothing like letting the robbers/kidnappers/child molesters know exactly how many little boys and girls are at your home and whether or not you have a dog for protection or not…how stupid is that! Why not just send them an engraved invitation..”

I really find them quite naff.  I am not suggesting you get a butter knife and go outside and scrape them off your back window, you did not put them on for me, you put them on because you thought they were cool.

I think if I saw one or two of them then they would be novel, but the moment they are selling at every stationery store within a 10km radius is when you realise they are about as original as fuzzy dice.

I am so over the “dad” braaing and the “mom” shopping … I really do not like them.  I don’t hate them, but I think they are a bit naff.  Like mullets are very naff, and home perms are very naff — so that gives you a loose scale of comparison.

Other things I find make me throw up in my mouth a little bit are:

  1. Women who call their husbands “hubbie” – is this so the husband can call them “wifie?”  The phrase that usually tips me over the edge is “Let me just check with my Hubby…” For goodness sake get a vocabulary, or speak like an adult.
  2. When a pregnant person refers to themselves as being preggies or preggers …. really does it take too long to say “pregnant” ?
  3. LOL – I do think that LOL is sort of over.  It has been done, enough – I am at the point where I see a LOL and a cringe a little.  I perceive it a bit like farting in public.  Okay by accident, but if you start doing it to punctuate sentences then your social skills need some serious attention.  Let’s try and use all our consonants and vowels next time.
  4. Personalised baby on board stickers – please shoot me now.  I seriously want to run up to people who think that their baby is the “one true ruler of the universe” and smack them.  Hard.  With my Pick ‘n Pay grocery bag.
  5. We all know how I feel about smiley face icons – or sad faced icons ….. stop, stop, stop using them for the love of gd!!
  6. People who use the phrase “breast is best” and stand there and sing about how wonderful a bonding experience breast feeding is.  Usually oblivious to another mom who is  standing nearby who has been through hell and back trying to breast feed, and it did not turn out to be “best”.  Breast is great, but it is not the only viable option, and lauding your stupid tag line over mothers who have struggled makes them feel pretty shit.  Do you think tweaking the “breast feeding is best” mom’s nipples until they bleed would be too kind a gesture?
  7. People who stop their entire lives when they have a baby.  Everything is about “their angel” sleep time, or nap time, or bath time or what ever the fk time. Get a life.  People have children on the way to the field that they plough, and then continue to plough the field.  Get a grip, get a life, the world he does not stop because you have ejected a human being from your vagina.
  8. Moms who are constantly crooning about how wonderful thier child is, and special and just needs us to coo along.  Most times these kids are dead average, and in a sweet way, but the mom feels she must gloat when her child brings home an attendance certificate.  When did we become so enamoured by mediocrity – by telling our kids they are so fkn wonderful all the time, for every little thing, does not only build thier self esteem, it also starts to give them an unreal perception of reality.

Okay that is my rant – it really was just aimed at those stupid stick people stickers, but then got it’s own momentum.

You know how it is.

{Like Reluctant Mom, even just a little, vote over at Kidz World Blogger Awards – Voting closes on the 30th June 2012, then it is all over as the Fat Lady is known to say….}

My kids are trying to drive me insane {well more insane} …

I think I am a pretty consistent mother.  I understand the value of a clear message, with a clear outcome, combined with a clear threat.

I speak clearly – use the correct tone, and I have had my kid’s ears tested in the event of deafness.  None has been found.

However I am thinking I need to do a retest on that hearing test or, I need to accept that my kids are deaf, or they are able to filter me out to a point where one could class it as a super power.

This evening the kids are eating dinner.

Connor is nearly finished dinner, and I know  that the moment he is finished, he is going to start to negotiate with me about tv/bath/blowing on his vuvuzela, so I nip it in the bud.  He is about 5 mouthfuls from the end, so I tell him that he finishes, he runs a bath and gets in.

No discussion, no argument, just bath.

Dinner over, he leaves the table heading in the general direction of the bathroom.  Great, I think, tick, task accomplished.

About five minutes later I hear him blowing the vuvuzela (I actually don’t make this up) and chasing his sister around with what appears to be the plastic flag pole from a SA flag we bought for the World Cup.

I have no problem with any of this other than the fact that he is not in the bath.  So I bark “CONNOR GET IN THE BATH — NOW!”

Seems clear.  Unambiguous one might even suggest.

Five minutes later, I hear his sister shrieking because he is blowing the vuvuzela in her ear.  Again none of this I have an issue with – but he is still fully dressed and clearly nowhere near the bath.

“CONNOR GET IN THE DAMN BATH — NOW! NOW!!!!”

I am standing in the kitchen doing something that involves retrieving a piece of lego from my dog’s throat – and Connor saunters in, still holding the vuvuzela.

“Moooooooooommmmmmmmmmm (he does this with a particular whine when I know he is going to ask me something he already knows I am goingto say no to) Can I bath after Georgia.  I don’t like bathing with Georgia, can I bath after Georgia?”

At this point, I am up to my wrist in dog saliva, the lego block is just out of reach, and I have realised I have now pushed the block down into his stomach, so he is either going to shit it out or it is going to be joined by other lego blocks and maybe they can build a city in there.

“CONNOR GET IN THE BATH — NOW —- I TOLD YOU TO GET IN THE BATH FOUR TIMES, I AM SERIOUSLY LOSING MY SENSE OF HUMOUR.  I DO NOT CARE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BATH LATER — GET OUT OF YOUR CLOTHES, GET IN THAT DAMN BATH, AND IF I SEE YOU AGAIN STANDING IN FRONT OF ME, NEAR ME, DRESSED AND WITH THAT VUVUZELA I AM GOING TO SHOVE THAT VUVUZELA SOMEWHERE YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE ——– NOW.GET.IN.TO.THE.DAMN.BATH.NOW.GO!!!!”

I miss the days when parents would issue one instruction, and strike the fear of gawd into their kids, and sometimes follow it up with a smack on the side of the head.

When I was a kid there was no discussion and negotiation. You did what you were told, quickly, or you suffered the immediate consequences.

To illustrate:  I was about 6 0r 7, and my mom warned me not to sit on the counter next to the stove top.  She warned me, I did it anyway.  I leaned back and put my hand on a red-hot spiral stove top – and I burnt the spiral shape into my hand.  I knew that if I cried because I had got hurt and I had already been told not to do it, I would have got bliksemmed until my arse bled, so I climbed off the countertop, went to my room, and sobbed into my pillow until I was called for dinner. I never said a word about the burn, and I did not cry when I was out my room, because I knew the fact that I did not listen, that consequence would have been worse that the spiral blister I had on my left palm!

I hate to say it, but I really miss those days.  This  “we care so damn much about our kids that we do not want to beat the crap out of them”generation is just not working for me.

Patience is not my strong suit/suite/word I am not sure how to spell.  Cheese and Rice!

{Like Reluctant Mom’s Blog – pop along and show your like by voting for Mommy Blogger Competition – fairly easy and painless – I just do not want to come stone last!!}

Over Population ….

This image taps into my idle mind ramblings of whether it is right or wrong to have one child or three children, and whether as parents we are “permitted” to raise an opinion, based on our rather awkward position on the matter.

I think it is very easy to grumble about the state of the world with poverty, global warming and Justin Bieber – but when it comes to examining the world from your vantage point one chooses to have (or not have) as many children as you can afford {or would want to,because you can.}

It sort of gives the finger to what ever is happening in the world.

Do I think that with three children our carbon footprint is a tad big, and that we have added to the strains on the planet rather than lessened the strains had we chosen to have none or just one?  Definitely.

I wonder if the argument would be that no one should have more children, because there are so many children already and so many that need good homes.  Pick one that is already here, rather than add another?

What ever the argument, our intrinsic programming is that we have a desire to reproduce (not to just have s.ex but to propogate the specie.)

To have a child {usually of our own DNA}, to continue our line, pass on our unique genetic code to the next generation.  We often choose to do it for fairly selfish reasons, and it is all about us and the mini-me we hope to one day meet.

When faced with the gurgling bundle of newborn, the selfishness is all but forgotten, and we just hope that our imp will never sing a Justin Bieber song, or do drugs!

Though drugs might be forgiven.

{like Reluctant Mom, please pop along and vote over at Kidz World Blogger Awards}