Chariots of Fire ….

(This post was meant to go up on Friday, but following a series of unfortunate events, it only was posted today…)

I seldom look at myself in wonder, but today was one of those days.

This morning I got out of bed at 04h35 – it was not because a child was sick, or someone had wet their beds or because my waters were breaking.

I got up to slip myself into my rather fabulous camel-toe lycra pants, pulled on a comfortable yet support-offering bra.  Added to this little fashion statement was my bright green long sleeve running shirt (I know it is amazing what a person possesses who actually does not do any exercise what so ever – amazing stuff).

Clipped a light to my forehead.  Strapped a Garmin Forerunner thing on my arm and went to meet my new running buddy Alice for a little run.

Granted when she opened her door, and stepped out she looked at me with an expression that could only be interpreted as “what the fek are we thinking…”  But then off we skipped for our little walk/run/stumble.  We did a good hour of sweating and panting and felt like we had conquered the universe single handedly.

I got home and everyone was still asleep – and it was still dark!!

I have NEVER got out of bed by choice – EVER!  So besides being impressed by my ability to do something vaguely exercise related, the fact that I had to leave my warm and snuggly bed to do it, needs an award in it’s own right.

I got home, took a bath – I even made Kennith coffee.  I know the wonders just do not cease in this post.

I checked kids were up and getting ready for school.  I picked out some pretty clothes for Georgia as it was casual day.  I was so the mom from The Brady Bunch … I am sure I heard the theme song in the background.

I headed out the door with my Earl Grey tea in hand on my way to meet Vera – she of hair ripping fame.

Alice had in fact given me two Syndol that I did chew back about 45 minutes before, so all clean, shiny and drugged I was off to meet the infamous Vera.

Vera was all happy – I was all suspicious.  I was nervous she was going to hurt me, so I started to babble uncontrollably – I do this when I start to feel threatened.

I decided to relinquish control of all things body hair to Vera.

I said: “Why don’t I get undressed, I will lie on the bed with a pillow over my face to smother the screams and you can do what ever you think needs to be done.  The less you tell me the better … how does that sound to you?’

Vera said: “Okay, but how much do you want me to leave on?”

Me: “Let me leave that decision to you – I will not ask what you are doing, and I will not tell you what to do – let me just lie here and act like I am somewhere else, and let’s see how it goes.”

And well, off it went.  Vera worked like a bomb – I think she started with a set of boundaries, but then abandoned them at some point.

There were no social boundaries – and absolute no nook or cranny that Vera did not find.

She EVEN waxed my arms – hairy gorilla arms solved.  I did not realise the problem could go away that quickly.  I cannot tell you how elated I am.

At one point when she was spreading my butt-cheeks I did feel like I was in a scene from Prison Break, but seriously when I say that was the least of the “body invasion” moments I really mean it was the LEAST OF THE PROBLEMS I had to face.

I do not want to lie to you – it was not the best most fun morning I have ever had, it definitely hurt a bit, but it was not as bad as I anticipated.  Vera left me with two eyebrows (also waxed into shape) and the hair on my head.

I think I have found my new BFF ……. when I tell Kennith about my waxing experience, his question was “Did she wax your back?”

WTF?

Seriously that was his question … now I am embarrassed that I have a hairy back when I did not realise that was even an issue.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair ….

I have mentioned before that I have some strong genetic links to a hobbit. I have little tufts of hair on my fingers, my toes and other parts of my body that are best not mentioned.

I also hate shaving, not just a bit, but really a lot.  I just do not have the time.  The odds of me in a leisurely shower taking time to shave is pretty much non-existent, I can count the times on my one hand when I have had a bath alone in the last two months, so shaving is an event in my house.

Part of the reason that I really do not make the time, is that it a pointless exercise for me.  If I shave now, by tomorrow morning I will have stubble, and by tomorrow evening full 5 o’clock shadow across my legs and other regions.

I cannot quite express how bad the situation is, without showing you pictures – and even I realise in doing that will be crossing a line that neither of us will be able to return from.

Though the hair on my head if reasonably light, the hair on my body has a distinct Mediterranean feel about it.  The only redeeming characteristic is that I do not have hair on my back.  One sometimes has to be reminded of the small things to be thankful for.

To cut a long story short, I am over the idea of shaving, and have opted out of it for a bit now.

It does nothing for me and actually just wastes my time. I have chosen to live a non-shaved life for about a month plus.  It has had limits on my wardrobe and I live in fear of being involved in some sort of traffic accident and them taking me to hospital, while I am unconscious.

At least if I was conscious I would be able to explain why my bikini area looks the way it does, but lying there immobile, is not going to do me any favours and I know there will be photos on YouTube with captions.

Once the hair situation gets to a certain level, you really do start caring less, because it just is so ridiculous and you realise the time it is going to take to shave through the forest you have cultivated.

I went for a run/stumble last night.  Kennith asked me if I experienced much wind resistance as he looked at the mountain gorilla hair on my legs.  My leg hair was sort of curling over my socks – even with my rather low standards, I realise that is not something that should be allowed.

I was hoping to just stop caring, but I am not quite there yet – so all is not lost quite yet.

I have an appointment with Vera for tomorrow morning at 7am.  So while you are snuggly wrapped up in your duvet, or having your first bowel movement of the morning, think of me as Vera stands and pours hot wax on my nether regions and pulls it out.  Hair, roots and all, with all her might.

My friend Alice has been trying to convince me to have a Brazilian (the wax, rather than a person who was birthed in Brazil) and have Vera do it.  Alice suggested taking two Syndols and I would not feel anything.  I am sure even after two Syndols I will feel someone taking the hair by the roots outta my crack, unless Syndols have got really good lately.  But with that in mind, I will stop and grab a crate after fetching kids from school this afternoon.

I got strangely suspicious of Vera as she appeared to get more excited the more I explained how much hair I have.  But I made the appointment and there we are – I am already getting all nervous.  I know there is going to be crying and screaming.

I can’t promise you before and after photos – though I am tempted to do them.  I might not even blog tomorrow as I may need to be hospitalized for trauma, but that is what I have planned for 7am tomorrow morning.

What have you got on?