Okay so what do we know about me.
1. I have three kids, I am not your run of the mill mom.
2. I work, and I work because I enjoy it and to remain sane – I do not think I could be a stay at home mom.
3. I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety and panic disorder, possibly with a light touch of OCD or even Tourette’s thrown in for good measure. I also have a social phobia – and added to that a touch of what you could call sensory sensitivity i.e. too much sound, light, noise, touch sets off a few triggers.
4. I am scary honest even when I do not want to be.
5. I drink way too much tea and wine.
6. I would walk a mile for a bag of Chuckles. (I am lying, I might walk to the end of my drive way, but it is still a very far way).
7. I abhor smiley face icons.
Great so we know that. Nothing new there. Just checking we are all on the same page.
I really do not mind who reads my blog.
Really.
Okay, I prefer it if my mom did not read my blog. But anyone else, be my guest. It is a public forum, knock yourself out.
I get countless emails and messages from “moms who struggle” to say thanks for saying what they think and feel, and for saying it out loud. I blog because it makes me feel a bit more “normal” each day – but it is nice to not be the only person who “struggles” with stuff.
I have commented that I enjoy my job, and the people are great, and blah blah blah pancakes.
But the physical closeness of people and the amount of noise has had me making regular visits to a psychiatrist and a psychologist and basically had me shut up at home because I am “afraid” of being at work.
Slightly career limiting move …. you think?
Because it is setting off panic and anxiety attacks, I can only spend so long crying in the toilets, before people start wondering if I have a bowel problem or a urinary tract infection that needs to be addressed.
Recently there was an office shift and a staff member got moved next to me. She is lovely and sweet and all of those things. If my mother sat next to me it would set me off. It unfortunately escalated “my situation” and I spent a bit more time in the toilet cubicle and started dipping a bit more frequently in my “lunch box of pharmaceutical approved medication” which is all not ideal.
I struggle if my kids are close to me, too much of them near me and I start to shake, rattle and roll. <yes, it is loads of fun to be me, I am a ton of fun at parties and get togethers>
I posted a note about this a little while ago.
You know that mantra “You never know who reads your blog!
Well, bottom line is you don’t.
And I don’t really consider it too much else I might not say anything, or I might start censoring what I say and then I might as well write for …. You Magazine.
So far, all okay.
But then someone at work reads my blog. Someone forwards it to someone else who forwarded it to someone else. All who work 2 metres from me.
And it was off ….. like …. I don’t know what goes off?
So now not only do a few dozen (I am being modest) people in cyber space know that I am a full on whack job – but now a few hundred people in my office complex know that I am full on crazy as well, and making judgements accordingly. <sigh>.
I know there should be a bright side here, but I am seriously not able to find one. I will wait for Natasha to find a way to politely comment, as sometimes she does manage to say it quite like it is and can make me snort even in the face of full on disaster.
The irony is I spoke to HR and asked her to keep it confidential, because I like to give the impression that I am mildly sane, it prevents the goats from getting afraid and scattering. Work has actually been great in understanding I am having a “bit of trouble.”
You really cannot actually write a better fail moment than this one.
I would like to say “hi” to all of you from my office who might be reading this, and really you should not be spending company resources reading non-company related material during office hours.
It is strictly prohibited and frowned upon. I can also check the URL/ISP details so know who you are. (I can’t, really, so don’t panic.)
To those who are not from my office, but know me – this is what I would call an epic fail moment, or …….. no, it’s just an epic fail moment, of which I had several this year.
On the upside I have sleeping pills. I am weighing up whether one or twenty-seven is a good number for this evening.
No, really I am fine. This is not some tragic cry for help. I am not quite throw myself off a ledge yet, but I have developed a wonderful case of catastrophe and panic going on – as we speak.
If you are crazy and you know it, and mildly to extremely embarrassed clap your hands!!
Clap clap! You know the rest of the song, so I will leave it to you …….
reluctantmom.wordpress.com 
everythingyoualwayswantedtosaybutwereafraid
/ February 10, 2012This is exactly why I started my blog when I did. I was too afraid of them reading about me at work and it affecting my job. You have courage to say what you think. Don’t give it up. (Unless it is a financial necessity!!) I hate smiley faces.
Helen (1st-Timer)
/ August 5, 2011PS: i’ve read your blog for a while (what else can you do at 2am while rocking your baby to sleep) and I really don’t think you’re abnormally fucked up. There is a LOT that you post that resonated with many women, mothers or not. I also don’t think this blog is a poor reflection of you as an individual, an employee or a mother so don’t spend too many hours stressing about it if you can.
Helen (1st-Timer)
/ August 5, 2011Eh, fuck em. They’re not your friends, they’re not your family, they’re basically paid to be in your periphery. And I seriously doubt they are less loony than you when push comes to shove. You’ll be water cooler talk for a week or two until Marjorie in accounting blows Bob in HR or something so hang in there (better yet let’s get that rumour going…)
Honestly though – have you ever noticed how “normal” people are a little less bright than the crack pots? Slightly fewer lights burning in the hall ways? Noone is normal – they’re just too dim to be interesting. All of the smart people I know are in therapy.
reluctantmom
/ August 6, 2011I know, but I think is that they are lurking through my “stuff” that makes it a bit weird.
I am fine wtih crazy, really. I am not so fine with trying to justify my crazy. But yes sooner or later there will be something else to talk about at smoke breaks — we can only hope.
Hilary
/ August 5, 2011“7. I abhor smiley face icons.” Well F-me. Duly noted.
P.S. I would love to be a fly on the wall in your office to know what your colleagues are saying behind your back. Hopefully, by reading your blog they’ll realise that it’s perfectly fine to be brutally honest with you. Any issues? Speak up then why don’tcha…
reluctantmom
/ August 5, 2011I cannot imagine how this has probably taken a life of it’s own.
I am hoping everyone moves on and starts discussing why the toilet seat was broken again ….. or why we cannot eat samoosas upstairs.
You know the important stuff.
joanne
/ August 5, 2011See why you were waiting for Natasha’s response. Love it!
Think this maybe a new form of fame that will be brought out by the blogging thing that has taken off. People are gonna have the bloggers that they follow (or reality show, or what ever) and they are gonna like, or love to hate the ones they choose to follow.
Personally if we ever meet, I hope I have a thick black marker in my bag, so you can sign my boob. Actaully mental note to self, steal black marker from office stationery cupboard and keep in handbag for in case!
Hope everythning simmers down to mild anxiety as apposed to a fecking panic!
cat@juggling act
/ August 5, 2011Oh gosh no! It would be horror to me although I ma not nearly as vocal as you. Actually I was about 2 typos away from telling you all yesterday that I have totally lost my mind, and then well, changed my mind. But all and all – I fear the day my SIL finds my blog. Apart that I have skinnered about her, she is just the type of person that will find a problem. Hell, she wills scratch until she finds it.
Really, I have no advice – apart that they will possibly get bored and stop reading if they are not regular blog type readers, but really my friend, you are never boring. So hec, I just do not know. Bugger them.
Sharon
/ August 5, 2011Oi!
I don’t think I’d like my entire office reading my blog either! I had an epic fail moment myself a while ago. I’ve kept a secret the fact that we’ve applied to adopt a second time, don’t want the company knowing, not really sure why, except for some comments from our MD about women and maternity leave and growth phase blah blah blah. So what I do? STUPID! When the MD’s wife contacted me and asked if she could put a friend of hers, battling infertility, in touch with me, I referred her to my blog, which she read, commented on and has no doubt informed her husband, my MD, about my secret plan to drop them in the poop the second the magical phone call about our second placement occurs! I panicked about it for about 3 days, obsessed, lay awake staring at the ceiling, all the while creating a bigger and bigger and bigger problem. And then I woke up one morning and was like… ah fuck it! What they gonna do anyway? Besides whisper behind my back about what a nut job I am!
Seriously WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!
And I would love somebody to tell me… what is the definition of normal anyway?
reluctantmom
/ August 5, 2011I panicked about it for about 3 days, obsessed, lay awake staring at the ceiling, all the while creating a bigger and bigger and bigger problem. — are you sure we are not the same person? Multiple Personality Disorder might not be that far off my scale of more stuff I could be.
Love you chick xxx
Sharon
/ August 5, 2011Interesting… perhaps this is what Multiple Personality Disorder feels like. Perhaps we are one and the same.
Did you ever watch United States Of Tara? Best bloody show on TV EVER!
xxx
reluctantmom
/ August 5, 2011United States of Tara!! Love it. Unfortunately the two television characters that resonate most with me are Tara and Dexter. Probably not ideal, but there we go.
Scared & Imperfect Mother
/ August 5, 2011Sharon I am really starting to think if your life is perfect and you have no problems you are weird – the more fkt up you are the more normal you are!!!
Wenchy
/ August 5, 2011fuck i love you…. again can relate on so many levels… i don’t care who reads anymore…. love me or hate me or be curious or judgemental… good luck with that.
reluctantmom
/ August 5, 2011Thanks Wenchy …… there is a difference when people read your blog because they related to your shit, versus people who read it because they are being judgemental and trying to find out about you.
The one is fine, and encouraged, the other is just creepy, and weird.
But I was a bit niave to think I could keep my shit nicely packed up …… total palm slap moment!
Scared & Imperfect Mother
/ August 5, 2011Rm- that just kinda sucks! I would not want anyone at my office to read my blog! Thinking of you.
ps.walking to the end of the driveway is even to far.
Deja
/ August 5, 2011Natasha, normal is extremely boring!
So big up for ‘weird’ people. I adore weird people!
RM, save this page. I’ve made my suggestions and still think it’s time for that. At least you know you’re not a fake and that’s a wonderful attribute. And I also cannot stand people (other than my child and husband) in my 2m radius personal space.
Natasha
/ August 4, 2011The views and opinions expressed in my previous comment are soley those of the original authors and other contributors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of The Reluctant Mom.
In other words… loud girl.. just because I might throw a stapler at you, does not mean that Celeste would. She is quite nice and hasn’t physically attacked anyone in a long time.
Natasha
/ August 4, 2011People at work read my blog. No wait: in my job interview I mentioned that I had a blog, and they were like great let’s check it out and put it on the projector and all looked through it in front of me. Nice titles like “The deep end” “Crashing” “Depression” and all those catchy headers. I had to like beg them not to read it! Have NO idea why they hired me. Then one of my clients read my blog. I have to do PR for a company that knows my sanity score and that Graeme basically keeps trying to divorce me.
I think.. they are going to figure out that I am weird sooner or later. May as well spare myself months of trying to fit in and nod politely at boring conversations. Now I’m just like… “yes, I’m fucked up most of the time, and I’m OK with that”. I also want my distance. My blog helps me scare people off. It really is exhausting pretending to be normal all the time. There should be a handbook for these things. “Be socially acceptable 101”. Fuck it. They’re all so clicky and girly. This one girl (she is very sweet) told me yesterday that I’m a bit cracked. She said that the world needs cracked people because they let the sun shine through (like a crack in a dark sky… god I’m sure she worded this better…) And the MD of the company, who I don’t even know, called me in asking if I was OK and getting along with everyone because I am so different. Neat. I am so over blending in. We just can’t. I think it’s better that people know this crap about you. It saves a LOT of tedious “So how many kids do you have, how old are they, does Isa have a nanny or creche… ” etc conversations. I would rather eat my own vomit (on toast) than have any more of those conversations.