Okay so what do we know about me.
1. I have three kids, I am not your run of the mill mom.
2. I work, and I work because I enjoy it and to remain sane – I do not think I could be a stay at home mom.
3. I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety and panic disorder, possibly with a light touch of OCD or even Tourette’s thrown in for good measure. I also have a social phobia – and added to that a touch of what you could call sensory sensitivity i.e. too much sound, light, noise, touch sets off a few triggers.
4. I am scary honest even when I do not want to be.
5. I drink way too much tea and wine.
6. I would walk a mile for a bag of Chuckles. (I am lying, I might walk to the end of my drive way, but it is still a very far way).
7. I abhor smiley face icons.
Great so we know that. Nothing new there. Just checking we are all on the same page.
I really do not mind who reads my blog.
Okay, I prefer it if my mom did not read my blog. But anyone else, be my guest. It is a public forum, knock yourself out.
I get countless emails and messages from “moms who struggle” to say thanks for saying what they think and feel, and for saying it out loud. I blog because it makes me feel a bit more “normal” each day – but it is nice to not be the only person who “struggles” with stuff.
I have commented that I enjoy my job, and the people are great, and blah blah blah pancakes.
But the physical closeness of people and the amount of noise has had me making regular visits to a psychiatrist and a psychologist and basically had me shut up at home because I am “afraid” of being at work.
Slightly career limiting move …. you think?
Because it is setting off panic and anxiety attacks, I can only spend so long crying in the toilets, before people start wondering if I have a bowel problem or a urinary tract infection that needs to be addressed.
Recently there was an office shift and a staff member got moved next to me. She is lovely and sweet and all of those things. If my mother sat next to me it would set me off. It unfortunately escalated “my situation” and I spent a bit more time in the toilet cubicle and started dipping a bit more frequently in my “lunch box of pharmaceutical approved medication” which is all not ideal.
I struggle if my kids are close to me, too much of them near me and I start to shake, rattle and roll. <yes, it is loads of fun to be me, I am a ton of fun at parties and get togethers>
I posted a note about this a little while ago.
You know that mantra “You never know who reads your blog!
Well, bottom line is you don’t.
And I don’t really consider it too much else I might not say anything, or I might start censoring what I say and then I might as well write for …. You Magazine.
So far, all okay.
But then someone at work reads my blog. Someone forwards it to someone else who forwarded it to someone else. All who work 2 metres from me.
And it was off ….. like …. I don’t know what goes off?
So now not only do a few dozen (I am being modest) people in cyber space know that I am a full on whack job – but now a few hundred people in my office complex know that I am full on crazy as well, and making judgements accordingly. <sigh>.
I know there should be a bright side here, but I am seriously not able to find one. I will wait for Natasha to find a way to politely comment, as sometimes she does manage to say it quite like it is and can make me snort even in the face of full on disaster.
The irony is I spoke to HR and asked her to keep it confidential, because I like to give the impression that I am mildly sane, it prevents the goats from getting afraid and scattering. Work has actually been great in understanding I am having a “bit of trouble.”
You really cannot actually write a better fail moment than this one.
I would like to say “hi” to all of you from my office who might be reading this, and really you should not be spending company resources reading non-company related material during office hours.
It is strictly prohibited and frowned upon. I can also check the URL/ISP details so know who you are. (I can’t, really, so don’t panic.)
To those who are not from my office, but know me – this is what I would call an epic fail moment, or …….. no, it’s just an epic fail moment, of which I had several this year.
On the upside I have sleeping pills. I am weighing up whether one or twenty-seven is a good number for this evening.
No, really I am fine. This is not some tragic cry for help. I am not quite throw myself off a ledge yet, but I have developed a wonderful case of catastrophe and panic going on – as we speak.
If you are crazy and you know it, and mildly to extremely embarrassed clap your hands!!
Clap clap! You know the rest of the song, so I will leave it to you …….