I can relate to Alice in Wonderland.

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This is me right now.

I have no idea why I am eating like I am – and I am at that point where I am really HATING my body.

I need to get my shit together ….. I am just feeling so unmotivated to change anything, but at the same time desperately want everything to change.

Fuck being fat!

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Moving out, big girl decisions and big girl panties …..

This year has brought some new challenges and changes – which have been dragged in from 2015.

I would love to tell you I am embracing them and it is making me a stronger wiser person, but then I think, yeah fuck that, please can we go back to the old way, I am really tired of this adult shit.

It seems not.  The number they said I could phone is not being answered and the message box is full.

In summary here is what has changed and what changes are happening:

One:  Kennith and I continue to try our best to be civil to one another – it really is hard work trying to always communicate well, and to not stand swearing on the driveway with spittle on your chin.  It’s hard to keep up this entire “co parenting, co decision makers” vibe.

Two:  The house I am living in is the house that belongs to Kennith and I – the aim was to have the house on the market, and the house to sell – we would divvy up the proceeds and everyone would go off and do what they wanted.

Three:  For several reasons this house has not sold – but the area we live in is not known for fast house sales, it is just one of those suburbs where property does not move at an overnight rate.

Four:  I made a very stark realistation, that could no longer afford to live in this house (it is a large home and has upkeep and the running costs of a home this size tend to get a bit overwhelming eventually).

Five:  I started to panic around that and then I made the next realisation that right now I cannot afford to live in this house and if I moved out, where the hell would I go – and if I moved I would not have money out of the house (as it is not sold) and then where would I go with three children, and financially be able to keep up any semblance of our existing lives?

Six:  I worked through several permutations, and in each I tried to use the principle that the children would remain with me.

Seven:  The decision making flow chart that followed from there ended up not looking dissimilar from this — if you do not include the smudgy parts caused by tears and wine condensation running off the glass and making it’s own set of splotches.

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Eight:  I realised (not quickly — but eventually after trying every possible combination) that it was not possible for me to live with the children.

Nine:  That realisation was not the most pleasant one I have had — and accepting it as the new reality was a very bitter pill to swallow.

Ten:  In short – the decision at the moment is that Kennith has given notice on the place where he lives. I will be packing up my stuff in the house and moving out in the last week of February.  The children will remain in the house.  Their stuff will remain as is – so there is very little in the way of things that will change in their world.

Eleven:  Kennith will move into the house in the last week of February, and I will move out.

Twelve:  Kennith and I will swap roles – we have a schedule of who takes to school and who drops off, and which days the kids are with whom.  This has been in place for about 18 months – and it works quite well.  I am lucky as I work for myself and this allows me flexibility, so if Kennith is away or has a work commitment I can pick up the slack.

Thirteen:  In terms of what will happen with the house that is still up in the air.  We have decided is a secondary issue to this one, which is swapping who lives with the kids, and in a few months time we can relook at how to proceed with the house (rent it out, one of us purchase it, or put it back on the market).

I was freaking out in December, the first two weeks or so of January 2016 had be on the verge of a total “poes” collapse.

Then I calmed down — I am not sure why, or how — I just calmed down.  A bit.

I do not feel so threatened, my anxiety about “losing my kids” has reduced, and in general I am in a much calmer state than I was a week or so ago.

I am trying not to think too hard about the kids, and the house, me moving out and and and ….. I am going with the never EVER been used philosophy for me of “what will be, will be….”

People, that is where things are at the moment.

It has not been an easy decision.

At a point it came down to the reality that this was the best decision, and actually in reality the only decision I had available, that would not put me in one bedroom flat, in a less than favourable neighbourhood with three children, a dog and a cat.

Decision has been made.  Now it is a case of just getting my head into the space of moving out —– and trying not to lose my shit too much.

{I really get anxious when there are changes on the home front – I can adjust to changes in other areas of my life, because I know when I get home, everything will be as I left it — so this change does make me feel a bit panicky, anxious and stressed.}

Anyway.  It is what it is.

 

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You are abandoning your children and other helpful bits of shit people say …..

I have really been struggling to blog.

Not because there is nothing going on worth blogging about, but because there is.

There is tons going on in the world worth commenting on, kids head to school tomorrow (every mom in the freaking world high fives the air right now!!)

I struggle to find the path of what I can blog about.

The demise of my marriage with Kennith is on my mind, we are divorced and dealing with all that comes along with that.  There is often things I want to say, but for reasons that are purely my own I feel like my mouth is taped, and I can’t speak.  I can.  I just feel I can’t.

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Stuff rattling in my head is not a good place for me to be.

My head is not a quiet space. My head is not a soothing space.  That has always been why I blog, to get the shit out of my head, so my head can be a quiet place.  Or at least have a semblance of what a quiet place might be like if everyone had their medication on time.

To be honest the constant ebb and flow of our divorce, and adjusting to life as two separate people with children we share,  takes up quite a bit of my mind space.

We have made some decisions, which will change the landscape of our living and our children quite dramatically in the not too distant future.

It fills me with trepidation, and anxiety and I worry constantly whether this is a good decision. The decision came from me, and it was not a choice I made, it was a decision made out of necessity.

I cannot tell you the amount of sleepless nights I have had fretting about this and trying to turn this over in my mind and to find an alternate.

The alternates were not workable, and the decision I made feels like the “right decision” but at the same time it is not one that fills me with joy or happiness.  I am stressed and strung out to the max, my nerves are frayed and I am having a hard time over here trying to look sane and composed.  A hard fucking time.

I really would cry if I could – I just feel so pushed to the limit, that I feel if I cry then it will open an ocean of tears, and then I will not be able to function.  And this decision is not about me anymore, it is about the kids and what will happen with them, and how we maintain a sense of calm, and ensure that they feel that “nothing changes.”

I sat and told someone close to me about what was happening and of all the reactions I felt were “okay I appreciate that is your thoughts on the matter” hearing: “you are abandoning your children…” has got to to be the one that cut me to the core — and I did not really have a suitable response for.

I went with” errr……” which seemed about the most appropriate thing I could manage at the time.

I really wish to spread happiness and unicorn farts, but seriously some days people can be a waste of skin.

I am not going to go into too much of the stuff and things right now. It  is not an easy decision, it is not one I have made lightly, it is not one I relish.

It is not one I would do if there were other options —- its the decision you make as an adult when your back is against the wall, and there just is no other way.

So ….. I am busy doing that, and if my own flagellation is not enough, I have the echo of “you are abandoning your children” echoing in my head.  Lovely.

Okay, so I am off to bed to stare at the ceiling a for a few hours, then fall asleep about an hour before I need to wake up.  Happiness.

 

Image source:  http://www.refinery29.com/2015/07/87447/photos-show-what-its-like-to-have-general-anxiety-disorder#slide-4