Joanne Chemaly is probably one of the funniest people alive. I really need this girl to get her own show.
Earlier this week she sent me an email with the “Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml review.”
I thought I was going to laugh, but I ended up snorting and guffawing, which is far better than polite laughter.
It is one of those classics which is really too funny not to share.
Reading through it adds a bit of warmth and a eventually a wet spot to your underwear that only a really good TESA adult sanitary towel can help with.
Funny man – like stupid funny. If you haven’t read this, enjoy, enjoy — and buy a tube of Veet for your man!
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
22,833 of 22,984 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS 24 Jan 2012
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
3,270 of 3,324 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION 17 April 2012
By The Cantankerous Tiger
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman’s log cabin, so for the past few years I’ve used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I’m sure you’ve realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail.
My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product – 3 Stars.
1,844 of 1,877 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus 24 April 2012
By Tagnutt Mandeville
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look’ as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.
Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May’s plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.
He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.
Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses.
As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds.
This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom.
It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin’s-bridge and Sherriff’s badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.
When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.
Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5′ 4″ tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context.
As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don’t recommend it for the beach volley ball team.
5 Stars from me.
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Chicken., 29 Aug 2012
By deaks –
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
I decided to buy some of this for my husband who was looking untidy in the trouser dept. I left him to it while i went to the supermarket, fully expecting to arrive back home to see him laid out on the bed with 2 hardboiled, shelled eggs and a big smile. Wrong!!
Instead i arrived home to him shouting ‘ oh yeah, thats good…ooooh so good. Bursting into the lounge, i was confronted by the sight of my naked husband with his todger in the arse end of a frozen chicken, that i was intending to use for sunday lunch the following weekend! By the time i had recovered from my horror at this sight and coaxed the cowering alsation out from behind the chair, he had crawled from the sofa, which had a large burn all the way through the cushion, springs and wood flooring beneath it, towards the bathroom, still with the chicken attached to his manhood but with the rest of the bird wedged between his legs and plumes of smoke coming from his plums.
Confused, i followed him as he crawled up the stairs ( by now the chicken was defrosted and beginning to cook )He was screaming something about firemen, ambulances and divorce, but i was more concerned with wondering why the scotchguarding on the stair carpet wasn’t stopping it from melting.
Eventually, he managed to get to the bathroom, where he slid into the bath ( with the chicken still attached to his knob ) and assumed birthing position with one leg over either side before turning the cold water tap directly onto his sizzling and spitting garden. Imagine the snap, crackle and pop sound of Rice Krispies, but magnify it by several decibels. Three weeks later, he was still there!!
Once the burns healed and all the scabs fell off, I can honestly say that this stuff worked.
It will strip oil and grease from driveways in less than 5 seconds.
It will defrost and cook a chicken faster than your microwave will.
It’s a great contraceptive.
It will melt or set fire to anything coming into contact with it.
If you’re planning on having a family, forget it!
5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Grab life by the bollocks, 17 Aug 2012
By Josh C – review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Jesus christ, for the love of God, please, please read the warning signs. I didn’t and covered my Meat and two veg and can honestly say it was the most horrific experience in my life, and this is coming from a man whose been on The Oblivion. The burning sensation was absolutely awful. It was like pressing an iron on your thigh and I screamed like a school girl in Gary Glitters bedroom. It hurt to urinate for three weeks and I never want to go through such a traumatic experience like that ever again.
In the words of Erasure & Wheatus, ‘give a little respect’ to this product and read the warning signs. Peace.
55 of 59 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Veet — the Men Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . ., 30 July 2012
By John W. Osborne Jr. “Josbo7″ (St. Petersburg, FL) – See all my reviews
(REAL NAME) This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies (American: “dingle-berries”) looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Stuggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good ”
Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect……. :-
8 of 11 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars OK so they were right, 18 July 2012
By TodggerBurns – This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
I think they are making it up I thought. I am sure that it may tingle a bit and that the reaction was the equivalent of man flue.
So when I got the pack home and while the girl was in the shower I stripped down and gave the meat and veg a good going over and having some left gave the exit shute a good smearing to.
I did pay attention to the instructions so i set the girl’s egg timer going
Mistakes 2 & 3 (this will come to light later)
I decided while waiting to go down stairs and watch the news. As I sat down the phone rang, it was a mate who was asking if I was going down the pub later. So there I am sitting on the sofa with a tea cloth over the lap chatting and did not see the cat come to investigate the smell. This where mistake 2 comes in, helps if you check the timer actually works.
So when the burning started I leapt up, yes another mistake, as cat was still exploring. The afore mentioned cat being startled dug its claws in. I can’t say I felt this as someone was applying a thermic lance to my nether region so was overruling all other nerve feedback. I hurtled up the stairs in style that only the flash could mimic only to discover mistake 3, she was still in the shower with the radio full blast and therefore could not hear my pitiful mewling.
Being a resourceful chap I broke the speed of light in my decent to the garage and turned on the pressure washer and applied (yep another mistake compounded because being a man I had not read it’s instructions either).
Apparently I was bouncing off walls drooling and wailing still with a cat clinging on when the door burst in as the Police entered (my friend on the phone thought I had had a home invasion and had called them). It was around this time my body said enough is enough.
When I came home from A & E I was left with the last sausage on the BBQ, two pan roasted peppers and a rear passage that had reduced to 1 mm. Though I must say I now do not have a strand of hair left in that region and the cleanest colon going. Bad news is the RSPCA took our cat away and say with time it may regrow it’s fur.
16 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars …must…type…..quickly………, 17 July 2012
By M. Page “Matthew” (Chesham England) – This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
As a gay man, excessive body hair in the party zone can be troublesome. I have been plagued by a particularly hairy `valley of fun’ which causes not only embarrassment, but impinges upon the practicalities of being intimate with my partner.
He quite often has to resort to using a comb, and has said many times that finding my point of entry is so difficult he would one day do a DIY hair removal with some packing tape. I thought I had found salvation with Veet hair removal gel, but little did I know.
I assumed the position a slapped a good handful downstairs, smearing it liberally round the old bike stand whilst paying particular attention to my balloon-knot. The heat which began to build was somewhat troublesome, but the searing pain which quickly built in and around the vicinity of my starfish was so intense I found myself praying for the first time in my life.
I became instantly aware of how Edward the second must have felt during his execution (google it), but with no sweet caress of deaths icy fingers to ease my pain.
Once I had managed to stop screaming, I hobbled to the bathroom where I spent the next six hours with a steady stream of cold water straight onto my sheriffs star while my partner fed me pain killers. He returned from work to find me in the bath, sobbing uncontrollably. But his initial concern at my predicament soon turned to hilarity as I described the preceding events.
I eventually managed some fitful rest, but when I awoke the true horror of the damage done became apparent.
My anus now resembled a pink iced krispy kreme doughnut, only bigger. It brought to mind those round rubber rings people sit on when suffering a particularly bad case of hemorrhoids.
But there was worse to come. I became aware of a need to `drop the kids off at the pool’ and recalled the extremely spicy chick pea curry I had eaten the previous evening. With seconds. As my motion began all the pain experienced previously seemed mild by comparison. So much so I passed out halfway through and was revived by my partner who was in the process of delivering CPR.
It has been three days since that event, and I have not eaten a thing, so great is the fear of a repeat performance. I am beginning to feel dizzy performing the simplest of tasks, my vision is blurred, and just the effort of typing this is causing me to black out periodically.
My crack however, whilst still swollen, is completely hair free. Five out of five.
16 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Bring on Sigourney Weaver, 3 July 2012
By Conrad Bevan “Renegade” (Gloucester, UK) – This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
I’ll keep it short and sweet, this is what the Alien has for blood, molecular acid in a tube. Slap this on your gentlemen bits, and trust me, they will be able to hear you scream in space.
7 of 10 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars It is worth the pain, 2 July 2012
By georgestark – This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
OK, I tend to shave my winter coat in the summer, but thought I would give this a try instead, let me just say I have not been in so much pain since I accidentally mistook “Fiery Jacks Volcanic Vapour rub” for my hemorrhoid cream. All i can say that i no longer need to switch the bathroom light on at night to pee, as the red glow lights the bowl perfectly.
If you still feel you need a bit of a laugh, or are trying to kill your family member with a weak heart, then pop along to Amazon and read some more reviews.
Click – click, capture a few personal things, and then it is all over.
Voting closes on 15 December 2013 at midnight.