The one where my car key decided to become lego pieces ….

You know how you bring your car to a standstill, and then you remove your car key from the car ignition, then the car says “no, don’t go I love you too much” and the key goes “aw shucks man, I have had the same feeling for the longest time…”

And then you pull the key out, and the key snaps off and the main component that makes it a key remains in the ignition.

Then there is that moment when you look at your now fancy yet non functioning key thingy and you say things like “fuck — fuck, what the fuck am I going to do now?”

I am not sure if this is unique to me but when I am confronted with a situation that feels like it defies logic I tend to keep looking at the thing, and then re checking the thing, then looking around because maybe this is how Armageddon starts.   I repeat this several times over just in case I missed a key (see what I did there) point.

Seems I was on the money (and about to have all the money taken away) it appears my key had snapped.  Fortunately I could get the snapped piece out of the ignition which was a brief moment of joy and then I wondered how the hell I was going to drive my car.

Eventually after several checks and rechecks that my key indeed was snapped.  It still was.  Totally sure on that at this point.  But did need to do the 29th check just in case things were not as bad as they seemed.

{Just to clarify how bad this idea of disbelief is — I once parked my car outside my office, got out to my car and it was gone.  My brain could not accept it was gone.  I went to look up and down the road, in case it had moved it’s self whilst I was at my desk.  Then when  my brain could no longer accept that absence of my car on the road side I went upstairs and checked behind my desk, just in case that is where I had left it this morning and just forgot.   My brain’s ability to not accept what is visually obvious can be quite alarming.)

Anyway I managed to get the key part into the ignition and with deft finger nails manage to turn it and the car started.  I drove straight to VW.  Because my car is a VW, going to Ford would just confuse everyone at this point.

I walk into the “parts” section – I figured as my one key was two parts, this might be the right area for me.

As I walked in I said “Hey you want to see something funny?” and then showed the trick of my car key turning itself into two parts.

The guy liked my sense of humour.

He however wiped the smile right off my face with immediate effect.  He said “that’s going to be really expensive….” but in that was that car dealerships mean that they are going to make you cry.  And you can forget buying Gouda cheese for the rest of the month.

I looked at him — so how much is this going to cost me? ……. always in that tone when you do not want to know the answer to the question …… I tend to whisper if I know that I am about to be fleeced of all my wine money.

Bloke explained that the key needs a new key – I can see he was quick to assess the situation.  He then said the other thing is that the key needs to be coded.  That black part connected to the key that goes “plunk plunk” when it is near my car …. I am nodding because I am following the technicalities of this.

I am feeling we are one soul bonding over our common understanding of keys.

I am nodding, as you do, and then I said “so how much is that going to cost” — just over R3 000.00.  (R3 300.00 to be specific).

I will admit that I did lose a bit of my decorum and went — in that really high pitched voice that only dogs 5 – 9 km away can hear “Three fucking thousand for one fucking key — does this come with nachos and strippers??”

I think he thought I was a funny person.

I do think this would be a better experience with nachos and strippers.  That is how affronted I felt.

No, I was a person who was being fucked at VW and then pay them.   Momma, didn’t raise no idiot.  Sure she raised a fringe lunatic, with depression, social anxiety but not an idiot.

I said the number a few more times — it still did not slide off my tongue without me gagging.

I mentioned I needed a spare key — he didn’t even skip a beat, twice as much.  I am glad this guy is in parts and not sales —-

Anyway whilst I was standing there mumbling to myself with spittle forming on my chin, someone suggested I try a locksmith down the way.

I said my apologise to everyone who had to watch my performance, and my thank you’s to those who hung around for the grand finale  – and went to the locksmith down the way.

I did the same trick when I arrived and showed them how my key disintegrates.    They also thought it was sort of amusing.  Must have been a slow day in lock smith land.

Dude charged my under R2 500.00 – he sorted out my one key and that is all clean and together.  Then he made a spare key as well.  I did not have one.  Or I had one, and somewhere in the divorce, the move, losing my mind I misplaced the key.

I just think key shit happens at once, best to just get a spare.

I have no moral in this story.  But I am trying this blogging thing because I have missed blogging and I need to.

Here is my shout out to Bell City Locksmith, 188 Durban Road, Bellville, 021 948 1388 who were friendly, gave me a product that worked without totally ripping the ring.

Plowing a field with a VW Caddy …. true story



This is possibly how you can plow a field….


This is not the right implements to use to plow a field ….


Last night I was driving in the Somerset West area.

In my usual way I had ignored my GPS thinking I knew better.

I didn’t – I ended up travelling a route I had not traveled before.  But it was fine, I wasn’t in a rush.  I stopped at a petrol station-come large shopping complex and bought jelly beans and some cooldrink — as you do.

It was around 20h30 or so.

Got back in my car and continued driving.  I knew sort of where I was. I wasn’t lost, so I wasn’t scared, but I was driving a route that I had not driven at night.

No worries.  I had jelly beans.  What could go wrong?

I took a slip way, that I assume like most slip ways, was a straight road that got me off a road and put me onto a national road.

I took the slip way, accelerated, glanced down at the holder in my door to grab my cooldrink, and when I looked up.

I realised I had been wrong about several things.

Jelly beans are not great driving snacks, they make you thirsty.  Glancing off the road for even a split second is less than ideal.

The road it seemed took a 90 degree bend to the left.

This I did not foresee.  It was dark, no street lights, and I thought it was a straight road.  There were no signs saying “hey lookie here this road just fucks off in the total other direction” ….. and no lights to make you realise where the road ended and the field of bad dreams began.

The part where I realised I had made an error was when I looked up and there was just no road.

I was on that gravel/loose tar pieces that usually sits at the end of non-existent roads.

I abandoned the cooldrink.  I slammed on brakes and my VW Caddy with all it’s weight and speed just continued forward.

It was that moment where my life flashed before your eyes.  And everything I have ever stored in any compartment in the vehicle was suddenly jettisoned and appears to fly through the air.

I remembered that for some reason there was a plastic brick under my seat and I wondered if I was going to get that in the head.

I knew there was a large tool kit in the overhead space, and if that hit me in the head, well that would pretty much be the end of where my head would continue to work in it’s present state.

It felt like I had an exhaustible long time to think about all the things in my car, as they sort of flew around the inner cabin.

Then the gravel/loose tar area ended and I found a grass embankment — I continued to brake, because well I had fuck all idea what else to do.

I just wanted to keep the car going straight —– I knew that if I lost control this mother of a car would roll, and well that would be bad for me and the plastic brick under my seat.

And the jelly beans.

I left the gravel area and then moved into a grass field.

No matter what they say about VW Caddies, they are NOT good for plowing fields.

It felt like I plowed that field for a kilometer, and then the grassy knowle kind of came up to meet me.  My car ended up ramping – a little bit {of course in my mind’s eye it was flying through the air for kilometers} – and sort of ending up firmly wedged in a ditch sort of number.

I will be honest.  I traveled through time and space. It lasted a split second.

The car eventually came to a shuddering stop.

Well abrupt halt.  As you do when the nose of your vehicle finds itself firmly embedded in a grass embankment.

I took stock.

What I mean is I said FUCK FUCK FUCK —– FUCK FUCK FUCK —— then took a breath and said FUCK FUCK FUCK — HOLY MOTHER FUCK. JESUS.  I may have named a few other deities, just to ensure I was working my way through every possibly religion.

Eventually I settled on FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME ….. which is not always the right thing to say.  When in a dark field.  By yourself.  In the middle of fuck knows where.

Once I realised I was still breathing, and had all my extremities sort of working.  I tried to start the car.  Fuck yes it started.  I then tried to move forward. Er, no, sorry you have used up all your points for this evening.

I stumbled out of the car — I actually stumbled. It was a muddy field. Dark. Like nothing.  No where.

I thought okay, find phone, stumble to road, phone for help — figure out where the hell you are.

In so doing a passing car nearly ran me over.  She also missed the turn.  She then got out of her car came over to me, and asked if I needed a hug.  Of course I do, strange person.  No I really did — we stood there and hugged each other like we had both just discovered the secret to how they get the chocolaty bits into Haagen Das ice-cream.

After we hugged.  I stumbled back to my car.  I am not sure why, I thought if I just went over there and stared at it, it would miraculously get out of the fucking ditch and I could carry on with my evening.

I seriously fucked up a really good pair of high heel shoes.

At this point two tow trucks arrived, an ambulance — I then told them about the jelly beans and the juice.

The ambulance personnel suggested I take a little walk with them — I reassured them I was fine. I was not hurt.  I was just totally fucking floored.  And maybe starting to toddle into the area of hysteria.

My friend arrived to help me.  My car was so firmly entrenched in that field, that nothing was going to get it out.  I was so relieved to have somewhere there to help me, because I needed all my energy to have a total breakdown.

Martin, the tow truck driver then set up a little pulley system and pulled my rather large car out of it’s position.  He was so brilliant.  I might have also told him the jelly bean story.

I think I was a little hysterical.  And obsessed about jelly beans.

Lady in the car said she would stand with me until my car was out.

Car eventually came out.  Body work was well a bit like you would expect it to be after plowing a field.

I got into the car to drive it to my friend’s house – which was pretty close to the now plowed field –  because there was no way I was going to get very far in it’s present state, or back home.

I have been driving for about 20 years. I have never been in an accident.   Not even a fender bender.  I was absolutely freaking my bean out there on the side of the road.

Last night shook me to my core. I feel petrified of how that could have gone. I feel relieved and thankful that it had gone so well. I feel an overriding urge to go to the bathroom and throw up.

I feel like I should say LUCKY ME.  Because fucking hell, LUCKY ME —- it could have been so much worse.  LUCKY LUCKY ME!


{if any part of this post sounds half baked, it is because I did not sleep on Monday night, I am over tired, over wired, I have just taken a handful of make me feel a bit less stressed, anxious and just over the top —- and my sleeping tablets are also kicking in —– so apologise if any of the above sounds like …… well like I have a concussion or an internal bleed …… or just need to sleep}